Monday, May 1, 2017

5-2-2017 Entry: Not Dead (yet), Just Distracted

Hello my darlings, assuming there are any of you out there since I haven’t written in months. Contrary to what you might have believed, I am still alive. I am still living as the transfem extraordinaire as best as I can, but the past few months have been anything but smooth and painless.

The last time that I wrote I talked about the person who had been living with me and who had seemingly pulled a 180 on me with regards to her affection and desire to talk to me. Well, my loves, it was just as it seemed, except it went way further than I could have ever envisioned it going. Jay (that’s what I’m going to call her from now on) decided that she was not only going to not respond to my messages but would wait an entire month before trying to contact me. The two messages she left for me were completely lacking in any form of friendliness (not to mention a fucking apology, which I absolutely deserved) and one of them even went so far as to threaten never trying to contact me again if I didn’t answer the next time she called. Richer still was the fact that she was using her counselor’s phone to call me, likely with the intention of teaming up against me with the counselor who, I sincerely believe, convinced Jay that I was some sort of monster. That counselor was the counselor of the person I lost my job over, so I’m sure there was no affection there.

Well, once I’d found out that she was using her counselor’s phone to call me I decided that enough was enough. I was done. She’d been a selfish, manipulative asshole for far too long. I called her counselor’s phone back and left a message of my own, telling Jay that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore and that the only thing I needed to know from her was when she was going to come get her things out of my house and how she planned to return the keys I’d lent her. Not surprisingly, I never got a phone call back from her. She wasn’t in control anymore and she knew that (assuming she listened to the message, which I’m guessing she did). I saw her for what she was; a liar, a manipulator, and someone who uses people to get by so she doesn’t have to take any responsibility for her destructive actions/habits. I unfriended her from facebook and then blocked her. I didn’t want her to be able to see my page anymore. I even went so far as to unfriend a few other people that I only knew because of her.

I thought it was over, except for the part where she got her things, that is. I thought the whole thing had been put to rest but the gods do have a cruel sense of humor sometimes. I finally found a new sponsor and had agreed to meet with him after the morning AA meeting that was such a controversy between Jay and I. Just as I parked my new sponsor was walking by, so he stopped when he saw me and we decided to walk in together. On the way in I saw a staff member of my old job and my heart sank. Great, now Jay might be here. I prayed that she was no longer in treatment and wouldn’t be at the meeting at all. The last thing I wanted was to fucking see her.

My sponsor and I were late for the meeting and because the treatment facility had brought people it was a pretty packed room. They were finishing introductions when we walked in and I asked my new sponsor where he wanted to sit. He pointed across the room to a handful of empty chairs. I agreed and began to follow him around the outside of the room. As I did I scanned the crowd for Jay and felt utter relief that I didn’t see her there. I said hi to two recovery friends on my way to my seat. I sat down right as they finished the first round of introductions. The leader of the meeting asked if the people who were late wanted to introduce themselves. The handful that were late started introductions and I was either second or third among them.

Everything was fine. I scanned the crowd again to see who all was there and saw a handful of other friends who smiled at me when our eyes met. The leader continued the meeting for about a minute or two when suddenly a person one row up and three seats to my left stood up to leave the room. It was Jay…

Yep, somehow, paradoxically with cosmic cruelty my new sponsor had led us to the seats closest to her in the whole room. FUCK!! Was all I could think. Great, now this crazy asshole thinks I sat by her on purpose. I just shook my head, but if I’m honest, there was a part of me that enjoyed the fact that she was uncomfortable. After all the pain, heartbreak, disappointment, and confusion that she’d caused me, I thought it was only fair that she feel uncomfortable at the meeting I introduced her to. I’d been going to that meeting off and on for 8 months, so if either one of us shouldn’t be there it was her.

She walked out of the room in a dramatic huff; the kind you see teenage girls resort to when they want attention but don’t know how to ask for it in functional ways. Eventually she returned, grabbed her jack and whatever else she’d brought and moved to a different seat behind me and quite a bit further away. I just laughed to myself at the absurdity of the situation and vowed to not break my promise. I never wanted to talk to her again and I was NOT about to break that vow during that meeting. I didn’t look at Jay, I didn’t try to get Jay’s attention, and I didn’t try to talk to her. If anything, I did my very best to pretend she’d never existed at all (I can be pretty good at that one) and went about my business. When the meeting ended I chatted with some friends and then left to go meet with my sponsor and didn’t think anything more about it.

Fast forward a couple weeks. I’ve just started a new job working in a residential mental health facility as a Residential Counselor and I’m having a date-night with Rose (We’ve started seeing one another again, but we’ll get to that later). Things are going pretty well, better than they have been in a long time. Rose and I meet for dinner, eat, leave in our separate cars, and then drive to my house where she will be staying the night. On my way back to the house I get a phone call from a number I don’t recognize. I choose to screen it because I’m driving and am in no mood for an unexpected phone conversation. They leave a voicemail, so I decide to listen to it as I pull into the garage.

“Hi, this message is for Emma. Emma this is Detective Coy with the Eden Prairie Police, I’d like to speak to you so please call me back at….”

What in the fucking fuck? Like, really, what in the fuck? Why is a detective from Eden Prairie calling me? What’s in… OMG… PRIDE is in Eden Prairie… but what could the police possibly have to do with anything that happened with PRIDE? Nothing that happened was illegal or subject to any sort of statutes. I was unethical but I didn’t break a law. They asked me not to come back after their overreaction but I adhered to their request, so why the police?

I went inside and wrote the detective’s number down. I apologized to Rose when she came in the front door and told her I had to make the call right away. There was no way I could concentrate on anything else anyways, so why not get it over with?

I dialed the number, the same voice I’d just heard answered the phone, “This is Detective Coy.”
“Uh… Hi detective, my name is Emma, I just got a phone call from you.”
“Oh, yes! Thank you for calling me back so quickly. I just wanted to ask you a few questions about an event that happened recently with Jay ___.”
“Oh… okay?” I replied, dumbfounded. There hadn’t been anything significant that happened and we hadn’t spoken in months.
“Well, I have a report of my desk saying that Jay ___ has filed a stalking charge against you…….”

And the world is spinning (figuratively). A stalking charge? Are you fucking kidding me? This has to be a joke, right? There is no way someone like Jay is seriously saying I’m stalking them. Surely not someone who lied to me, manipulated me, used me, and then dropped me like a bag of bricks by ignoring my calls for a month with zero explanation. Surely that kind of person wasn’t stupid enough to put my freedom and my career in jeopardy because she’s too much of a fucking coward to just own what she did.

I proceeded to have about a thirty minute phone call with Detective Coy about the situation. I answered her questions, even when they were unbelievably absurd like the ones about me driving past Jay’s baby-daddy’s house; a house I don’t even remember how to get to. Because, you know, I have soooooooooooooooo much time between working a fulltime job and going to fulltime graduate school to spend loitering around at Jay’s ex’s house… where Jay isn’t even at… which I know because all of her shit is still at my house!!!!

I digress. It became VERY OBVIOUS, as it should have, to Detective Coy that there was nothing even remotely resembling stalking going on. Once I explained that Jay had called me from the psych unit after feigning a suicide attempt to get attention (she blatantly admitted this to me in the hospital) and I took her in so she wouldn’t be homeless while she waited to go into rehab, Detective Coy knew what was up. The minute PRIDE said I couldn’t visit Jay or bring her presents/candy anymore I became useless to Jay. She couldn’t use me, my kindness, or my love anymore, not without having to give something in return for a few months. She’d have to maintain a relationship with me where she got no benefit (aside from my words of affection and encouragement) until she got out of rehab, but she wasn’t willing to do that… so she dropped me; and rather than being an adult who owned their decisions she opted to file a fucking police report saying I was stalking her.

Even before submitting her findings to the city attorney, Detective Coy told me she suspected it wasn’t going to go anywhere and she was right. The stalking charge was dropped. But the damage has been done. It was one thing for Jay to be a flakey asshole who went from telling me she loved me one minute to ignoring me without explanation the next minute, but police charges were a whole new level.

Her selfishness put everything in my life in jeopardy. If that charge had gone someone I wouldn’t be able to become a therapist. I wouldn’t be able to keep my new job (or my last two for that matter) either. I might have had to pay fines that would have made it so I couldn’t afford to pay my mortgage or car payment. There aren’t enough words to explain how deeply hurt I am after everything that happened with Jay. There is no way to explain my utter reluctance to trust anyone again. I will always wonder if them telling me they love me or care about me is really just a ruse to exploit my giving and kind nature.

Thanks to Jay my heart has been hardened in a new and unexpected way, and I honestly don’t know what I can do to soften it. So, I guess, for now I’ll just have to live with it being hardened. /shrug

Anyways, on to less depressing subjects. What’s new in the world of Emmz? Well, as I mentioned above we have a new job as a counselor. We are working with teenagers who have serious and persistent mental illness and it is AMAZING!!! Hard, stressful, and draining at times, but sooooo rewarding. And unlike PRIDE who had a laughable amount of training for new staff, my new employer really goes out of their way to make sure we are as prepared for the job as possible, and as we continue to move through the job finding new struggles or areas for growth, there are half a dozen therapists willing to coach/mentor us. There is even one who will likely study for and take the MFT exam with us and our classmates once we graduate next summer!! It’s very exciting to know how close we are to being at the same level as the therapists we work with.

More than all of that, the kids we work with are awesome. They have absolutely been failed by their families, by the system, and by society, but they have such strength and brilliance. It is so incredibly rewarding to get to help them remember that they have worth and that not all adults will hurt, neglect, or abuse them. I’ll leave it at that for now, but I’m just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited to be working there!! Was the best career move I have ever made, hands down.

So why the huge gap between writing entries? Sure, all the stuff with Jay, with changing jobs, and with finishing my fifth semester of my master’s program definitely took up most of my time, but I certainly had opportunities to write (even wrote a few unpublished entries), so why not do so? Well, my darlings, it’s because I have been working on our memoir. It has been a resolution of ours to try to finish the first draft of the memoir, if not a second/third draft to submit for publishing. This time, rather than trying to go the indie writer route by self-publishing we are going to try to take the traditional route, assuming we can find any agents willing to take the book on.

As a result most of our creative energy with regards to writing has been directed towards the completion of that project. As of now we have about 34,000 words written, which translates to about 120 pages published. A typical memoir usually lands somewhere between 65,000 and 90,000 words, which means that the memoir is approximately halfway finished. Given that writing this entry has taken about two hours and it is 2,500 words at this point, that means that we need to put in somewhere around 40 hours of hard typing (not editing) before the so-called “sloppy-copy” is done. That’s the first time we’ve broken this down into math and we are surprised to find how few hours are left to work on it. Now 40 hours in a given week is difficult to come by when we are working 50+ hours a week and about to start our last semester of general coursework for our degree. If we scrounged together every minute we could on an average week, we’d maybe have 20 hours of time to write. In theory we could finish it in two weeks but that would mean no TV, no video games, no yoga, no painting (oh, we’ve picked that up again), no walks, no biking, and no other self-care activities that help us maintain sanity. Not sure we would survive those two weeks, honestly. But I digress again.

Well, my darlings. I hope you are well despite the world practically falling apart around us. I hope that we get to meet again soon and that there isn’t a nuclear war in the middle of all of that (or any of another dozen potential calamities).

Stay fabulous, because you are honey. O_+

-Emmz


(Recent picture of me at a friend’s birthday dinner, followed by one of our recent paintings)




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