Thursday, July 21, 2016

7-21-2016 Entry: Oh, Wherefore Art Thou Dating?

Just a quick check in. I want to get back to actually writing on here in a rather consistent way, even if the things I write are a bit shorter. What’s going on in my life? Hmmm… well… I’m struggling to figure out what to do with Yuffie. On one hand I positively adore her and we have a lot of fun. When we fall asleep, all wrapped up in each other, it’s a wonderful experience. The sex is also rather good, I can’t lie, but it doesn’t seem to be enough.

To put it simply I think Yuffie has had a difficult life and as a result has adapted some rather unfortunate behavioral patterns that complicate intimate relationships for her. I don’t want to blast her personal history all over the internet, even if you don’t know who she is because of the alias I’ve given her, but suffice it to say that she had anything but a smooth childhood. She was the victim of some truly awful people who did deplorable things to her, and because of that, she learned things about the world that no child ever should (mainly that it’s dark and full of terrors). I can empathize because I too learned deplorable things about the world when I was a child, and those experiences really did a number on me.

For so many years I thought they didn’t affect me or my everyday life but the more I delve into therapy the more apparent it becomes that they pervaded nearly everything I did when I interacted with other people, especially romantically. I see this same thing in Yuffie’s behavior and her seeming lack of understanding about healthy boundaries. I thought, ever so briefly, that maybe if I simply distanced myself from her that I could undermine her unhealthy boundaries while still being involved with her, but that didn’t really work. We aren’t dating, but we have been sleeping together. I honestly want to be with her in a romantic way but I’m not sure I’m cut out for the uphill battle it will take to set and enforce healthy boundaries. It’s quite possible that I can’t succeed at that no matter how hard I try, and in the end it isn’t my job to teach this girl healthy boundaries, even if the caregiver inside of me wants to.

I feel frustration because I really like this girl, I really enjoy when we are together in healthy amounts, but I cannot seem to find a balance with her. It is either we aren’t talking to each other or we become consumed with one another in a dysfunctional kind of way. The “simple” solution would be to just walk away, but how does a person walk away when there are still feelings there? How do I say goodbye when I crave her touch, when I want to fall asleep in her arms, when I want to feel her lips against mine? In many ways, she is like my replacement for alcohol. I know she is bad for me and that in the end I’m not happy with my choices, yet I still want more of her. I know that when I’m involved with her everything starts to come unraveled and things start to slip. I know that when we are together we don’t do the things we need to do because we just lie in bed all day being lost in each other’s presence.

So that’s where I am in the romance world. The other partner and I are doing pretty well. We got to have an impromptu date night last week when I ran into her at the drag show, which was lovely. I really needed to see her and since we haven’t gotten to do that very often lately it was amazing that our paths randomly crossed. She is such a sweetheart. Would that I could combine my two partners into a single amazing person, but alas that isn’t how polyamory works (I’m sure I’m not the first person to have that thought either). Honestly, though, each of them is beautiful and amazing (and imperfect) in their own ways.

Given the complications with Yuffie and my resignation to the fact that things between us probably won’t work out, I’ve decided to go back into the realm of online dating. I’ve only just started up the OkCupid account last night and I’m already regretting that decision. I’m not sure what it is but I just get really bummed out when I’m on there too much. I think part of it is that the novelty has worn off and seeing the same people on there that I was messaging months ago leaves me a bit jaded. It’s like, where else can people meet one another? Both of my partners were technically met outside of OkCupid (even if it did play a role in setting up the first date with one of them) so I know it's possible, but both of those meetings were so random. Is dating just a cosmic crap shoot when you step foot outside of your home? I'm beginning to think it is.

Part of me wonders if I shouldn’t go back on a dating moratorium and just focus on work and school. That sounds great in theory except now I live with a roommate who is dating my best friend, so I have to watch them all lovey-dovey all the damn time and it is hard not to feel a teensy bit jealous when they are making out before heading off to his room to get their groove-thang on. That’s when the struggle over Yuffie gets real, because I could have that… if I was willing to sacrifice healthy boundaries and god only knows what else.

My darlings, sometimes it seems like I cannot win with dating, either I’m not seeing anyone at all and it’s super lonely, or I’m seeing people who cannot give me what I want or need (I do recognize how overly dramatic and gloomy this all sounds). I guess I just don’t know what to do. I keep hoping the fates will line something up for me that will be amazing and life-changing, but it seems they are assisting other callers right now and my call will be answered in the order in which it was received. I guess all I can do is dance to the music while I wait.

Well, that’s all for now. Nothing earth-shattering, I’m sure, but at least it hasn’t been a month, right? Thanks for stopping by. I’ll try to write something more in-depth next time.

For now, stay fabulous, stay beautiful, stay amazing, and remember that you are irreplaceable. **MUAH**

-Emmz


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