Monday, January 18, 2016

1-18-2016 Entry: My Life is the L Word, Episode 2



Hello my darling. I hope you are doing well and that you don’t already have the Monday blues. Today was the first time in over five years that I started a new week without having to go to work because I didn’t have a job. In some ways, it was quite nice. I got to sleep in, which I actually needed as I was out until 1am last night, but we will get to that in a bit.

The first thing I’ve noticed about suddenly being without employment is how your sense of time becomes skewed. It was honestly a struggle to remember that today was a Monday. It was difficult to remember that Friday wasn’t a Sunday, and it’s definitely been strange to think of other people out there going to their jobs while I’m at home sleeping, cooking, cleaning, doing homework, and watching Television.

The second thing I’ve noticed is how much less stress I have. True, there is absolutely the stress of figuring out what I’m going to do now that I no longer have a job, but financially speaking I’m actually quite solid for the time being. Assuming I can cut spending to a minimum (actually rather easy now that I’m not commuting, paying for parking, or buying myself lunch during the week) I may be able to make it four or five months before I run out of money. Obviously that is a last resort. As much as I’m enjoying the free time I have now that I’m not working, I still need to find a job. I am hoping to hear back tomorrow about one that I interviewed for last Tuesday, but even if I do not get that job (which would make me sad), I still have time to find other work. I may even be able to switch careers while I’m looking for this new job by getting something in the mental health field. Only time will tell.

The third thing I’ve noticed is that it is so much harder to keep a regular sleep schedule now that I do not have to get up every morning to go to work. I am actually kicking myself right now for the 8am doctor’s appointment I have tomorrow morning (made it before losing the job thinking I’d go to it before I went in to work) because I’ve been staying up entirely too late all week and am likely going to go to this appointment like a zombie. (I wonder, how much will my doctor judge me if I show up in my pj’s?? lol)

But, All of those things are truly an aside to the main purpose of this entry. As the title suggests, my life is beginning to look more and more like the L word as time goes on. Okay, again, that’s probably a bit of an exaggeration but things have been extremely interesting lately.

Where to begin? Hmm… well let’s just start with Friday night. Friday night I went out to my regular hang out (one of the many gay bars in the twin cities) to catch up with some friends. I knew that pretty much all of my friends would be there and I’d been invited a few nights earlier by another friend that requires a bit of explanation. I met this friend… who we will call Kate… on OkCupid although the reason we met on there was because I came across her profile the day after I saw her at the gay bar and said something about how I’d seen her the night before. I’d found her to be very pretty and had been tempted to introduce myself but this was back when I was just barely peaking out of my shell, so I chickened out.

Well, we started chatting a bit and found that we were both in somewhat similar situations. She is going through a divorce from the man she was married to for many years and she is leaving him in no small part because she’s realized or finally come to terms with the fact that she’s queer and not hetero. Although the tables were reversed (which has actually given me a possible insider perspective of my ex’s path out of our marriage) there were a lot of common themes. Our marriages were both ending because of incompatible sexuality and a myriad of communication issues, leaving both of us single in the queer world for the very first time in our lives.

The conversation dropped off a bit for a few weeks but eventually she messaged me again and asked if we could meet. Since then, we have met three times including last Friday. In those three encounters there have been some mixed signals on her part. She wasn’t quick to define our meeting as a friends only thing (something most girls are very quick to do if they fear there is unwanted romantic interest) despite me even asking if this was simply a “getting to know you so we can maybe be friends” interest in meeting. The first time we met, she had a romantic partner with her (a transman) who was very nice. This immediately made me assume there was no romantic interest in me at all. The second time we met, she was there with him again except this time she spent much more time chatting with me alone than with him around and at one point, while we were talking, this boyfriend of hers started making out with another person right in front of us.

Needless to say, this confused me at first, but my confusion was quickly resolved when Kate explained that the group of friends she was there with were all rather non-monogamous and often did things like make out with each other. At this point I started to wonder if maybe my initial read that she wasn’t interested was wrong, and so I started looking for the signs of attraction. I definitely found some. They are hard to explain but she seemed like she was flirting with me and seemed very interested in spending time with me. My very good friend Parker who had accompanied me to meet Kate the first time and who was with me when we met the second time noticed the same thing too and she started to wonder, like I did, if there was any interest between Kate and I.

So, I asked Kate if her b/f was non-monogamous then did that mean she was also non-monogamous? In true mixed signal fashion she basically replied that the answer was yes and no. It wasn’t something that was off the table but it wasn’t something she’d made up her mind about yet, either.

As a result, I went into our third meeting (not calling them dates because of the ambiguous nature of them) on Friday with the intention of figuring out what Kate’s interest level was. Meeting one had been very “friends” and meeting two had been rather flirtatious, so what did meeting three hold for me? I wish I could tell you a definitive result one way or the other, but I cannot. The bar was unbelievably packed that night for the drag show (which was one of the best I’ve seen thus far) and she was with that same group of friends at a table that I couldn’t really get to. I noticed her long before she noticed me but rather than fighting my way to her table to say hello, I decided to just play it nonchalant and hung out with some of my other friends. I figured that it was only a matter of time before she’d notice me or she’d run into me on her way out to smoke. I was wrong, lol.

After about thirty or forty minutes of lingering in the vicinity while watching the show and chatting with my other friends I had an opportunity to catch the attention of her boyfriend, so I bit the bullet and said hello. He was very excited to see me (as I said he was very nice, and also rather hug-happy) and immediately called over to Kate to tell her I was there. Kate looked over towards us and waved with a happy smile. I returned the wave and smile but decided to return to my nonchalant approach and didn’t go over to her table. Instead I walked back to my friends and started chatting with them.

Kate came over rather quickly and gave me a hug. We chatted for a few minutes before she decided to head back over to her group of friends and I was left to hang out with my friends or by myself for most of the night. We didn’t really get much of a chance to hang out or talk that evening before she decided to leave. On her way out she came to say goodbye to me and asked if we could set something up to meet in a place that was more conducive to talking than the loud bar. I said yes and we made plans to make plans later (you know how it goes). So, again, mixed signals. Affectionate greeting, excitement to see me, plans to get together in a more intimate setting, yet didn’t really hang out with me much and didn’t really flirt with me. I decided at this point that it would be best if I just assumed we were friends. Maybe that will change, and maybe it won’t, only time will tell.

Amidst all of these mixed-signal-meetups something else rather interesting happened. The second meeting where she was somewhat flirtatious with me was actually interrupted briefly by one of her friends (from the non-monogamous group) coming over to talk to her. This friend, upon arriving checked me out like you wouldn’t believe. There was definitely no ambiguity about what she thought of me and she was very quick to introduce herself to me with a “How you doin?” smile (she has the cutest crooked smile I think I’ve ever seen too).



At the time, I didn’t really think much of it. She was cute and I felt flattered that she so clearly thought I was hot, but I was rather distracted by Kate. My attention was on figuring out this very fickle girl who either really liked me or just thought I’d be a great friend. So, when I ran into this other girl a second time on Friday I was caught somewhat off-guard as I hadn’t thought about her at all in the time between.

I was hanging out in the vicinity of Kate’s table of friends, watching the drag show, when this girl… let’s call her Jane… stops right in front of me with that same frisky crooked smile and says, “Hi, it’s Emma, right?” to which I was totally taken aback and unsure of how to respond. I knew that this was the girl I’d met on Wednesday, and I knew that she thought I was cute (it was written all over her face), but she remembered my name and I had no idea what her name was. I felt like such an asshole for not remembering. I think I said something like, “Yes, and… I’m sorry but I don’t remember what your name was…” She laughed and said that it was okay since we’d only met the one time, but that her name was Jane (Obviously not really, but I want to keep these people I’m blogging about anonymous, at least to some degree; I’m sure if she read this she’d know I was talking about her but I doubt anyone else would and that’s the point).

I’m struggling to remember the details of our conversation but it was somewhat short and was mostly comprised of her telling me it was good to see me again before she went back to Kate’s table. I believe we had a couple more brief interchanges but for the most part we just sort of made eyes at one another. Again, I decided to take the nonchalant approach to things. I’ve gotten so burned out on trying to be the pursuer of others that I’ve decided to start letting them come to me. Sure, I’ll put myself out there, I’ll introduce myself to people (especially the cute girls) but I won’t be all like:

 let me love you memes love me

Instead, I’d rather be friendly, charming, and devil may care about the whole thing. If they think I’m intriguing and/or attractive, they will come to me; just like Jane did. I didn’t pursue her. I didn’t even remember her name; which I actually forgot again like 10 seconds after she went back to her table because OMG I wasn’t feeling bad enough that I’d forgotten it once before… my excuse, her adorable crooked smile distracted me and I forgot what she said her name was… yeah let’s go with that…

The point is, she came to me. She introduced herself to me (twice) and made a point to remember my name even after our first encounter. She stopped to say hello upon our second meeting because she wanted my attention. She could have easily walked by, not said anything or simply smiled, but no, she stopped right in front of me and made sure she was the center of my attention. I had made an impression on her and all I did was say hi, smile, and then forget her damn name. 

(as an aside: after she left that night and I gave her a hug on the way out (long story, she was crying, I tried to comfort her to which she said I was so sweet), she told me the next day that she was really looking forward to getting to know me better.)

And the thing is, this has been a rather effective strategy. Ever since Rose and I made our polyamorous relationship something more than just friendly get togethers, it’s like a switch has been flipped. I am getting many of my relationship needs met and you know how that old theory goes: when you are single no one wants you, but when you are in a relationship they all seem to flock to you. I had no less than 5 other girls that night check me out, try to dance with me, or make a point to talk to me. The only other thing that has really changed is I’ve started wearing a fake nose ring to see if I like the look enough to get my nose pierced; in no small part because I notice that 75% or more of the lesbians I encountered had their nose, eyebrow, or lip pierced.

The combination of wearing a nose ring and taking a more nonchalant approach to meeting people/dating, has definitely netted me some very positive results and I’m eager to see if that continues. But my story about the weekend doesn’t end there. No, no, Friday was really just the beginning and far less interesting that Saturday or Sunday.

Saturday Rose came to spend the night with me again and this time things went really really well. As my amazing friend Parker (she’s a dork, who I just adore) put it, we were such lesbians about the night we had together. There was no sex but that’s because there was no need for sex. There was plenty of physical affection, kissing, cuddling, spooning, falling asleep in each other’s arms, etc. but sex didn’t feel at all necessary. That doesn’t mean we won’t do that again at some point, but Saturday was more about further establishing the mental-emotional connection we share and less about getting off.

It was nice to wake up with her in the middle of the night and to have a super random conversation about our dreams before falling back asleep again. Were it not for prior engagements on both of our parts Sunday afternoon, we might have spent the whole day in bed together (at which point sex likely would have occurred, lol). Eventually we willed ourselves out of bed and she got ready to leave. She told me about a “play party” that is this Friday at her friend’s house (the one we met at the bar the week before who I thought was cute and who thought I was cute as well) and asked me if I’d want to come with her and her husband. I excitedly agreed to come and am eagerly awaiting Friday’s arrival. I’m quite excited to go to my first swinger party and I’m super excited that it’s a queer friendly party at that (there will be other trans people, lesbians, gay/bi men, etc.)

Anyways, I kissed Rose goodbye and started to get ready myself to head out to a brunch with a bunch of my queer/trans friends at a really awesome resturaunt. There were about a dozen of us and we were there for about 4 hours eating, drinking, and having a gay old time, lol. At one point we decided that the next logical step from the brunch was to hit up the strip club, which I thought was totally hilarious. I’ve never been to one before and they were very excited to take me to my first one, but alas, the clubs didn’t open for a few hours so we couldn’t go. Instead, we decided that we would have a drunken pool/hot tub party at one of the people’s apartment building. My initial thoughts were:

Yosub fuck no mj bravo

Pool party?? Oh dear god… that means I have to wear my bathing suit doesn’t it? Okay, Emma, don’t freak out. We have a bathing suit and the last time we wore it (when we tried it on before buying it) it did a very good job of concealing any hints about our sex, and it’s been a few months since then. Our chest has grown a bit since then and might actually fill in the bathing suit some. We can do this… deep breaths…

Yeah, so I decided that if I was going to unveil my bathing suit and go to the pool for the first time as a girl instead of as a guy, then this was the best possible group to do it with. I wouldn’t be the only trans person there so at least I wouldn’t feel completely alone. Even still, I knew I needed/wanted moral support so I called up my friend Parker to see if she wanted to come along to the pool party. It took some convincing but she eventually said yes. After I went home to change into my suit (which I looked awesome in now that I actually have boobs to speak of) I stopped by her house and picked her up. We drove to the pool (I’ll save our interesting conversation for another entry) and went inside.

Several of the people there were people I’d never met before that day (actually, at first, all of the people at the pool were new acquaintances) so it was nice to have Parker along with me. She fit in with us perfectly and it wasn’t long before she was making friends of her own. We both started drinking and things sort of escalated from there… lol.

How do I describe this drunken pool party? At first, it was like any other pool party. We played games in the pool, there was a lot of going back and forth from the pool and the hot tub. There was a lot of bullshitting and hanging out, and there was a lot of drinking. I stopped after my second one because I knew I had to drive and my stomach was not excited about being empty with noting but alcohol in it while we were swimming, but everyone else kept on drinking.

I actually felt really comfortable in my bathing suit and for the first time I got to be one of the cute girls at the pool getting checked out by the teenage boys who were also there (thankfully they kept their distance from me so I didn’t have to fend them off). It was great to get to be me, the real me at the pool and to not feel really worried that I wasn’t passing or that people were judging me. I felt safe and in good company. One of my new acquaintances made a point several times to tell me how beautiful and interesting I was (she was pretty hammered by the end of the night), and she even decided to kiss me at one point, although she ended up kissing almost all the girls so I wasn’t too special, lol.

That’s about when things started getting a little more interesting. We got there around 7pm and by about 11pm everyone had left except for four of us. Parker, the kissing girl, another gay girl, and I were all alone and everyone (except for me) was pretty hammered after 4 hours of drinking. What happens when you mix a lot of booze, hottubs, two lesbians and two bisexual girls together?

If you answered nudity, then you are one smart cookie, because it wasn’t long before the clothes started coming off. Parker, darling bisexual that she is and self-proclaimed exhibitionist, sort of started the whole thing by flashing people earlier in the evening, and when you go around flashing gay and bi girls, your boobs are bound to be a topic for discussion; and they were. I’m not sure how it happened or why it happened but at one point Parker was convinced (or decided to on her own) to take her top off so the gay girl and bi girl could better examine them. This is about what my reaction was when I looked up from my phone (I’d been texting someone) to see that my party guest was topless:

boobs party bouncing wide eyed

But that was just the beginning. It wasn’t long before the other bi girl (aka kissing girl) was following suit and took her top off too so they could compare notes, so to speak. The gay girl I was with looked like a kid in a candy shop as these two rather beautiful girls were topless on either side of her. Care to guess what happened next? If your answer was, “when in Rome…” then you are an even smarter cookie, because the gay girl was like, “Fuck it, we are all taking our tops off! Take your top off Emma!” as she removed her top as well.

Okay, so here I am, surrounded by three topless girls in a hot tub and I (a somewhat early transition trans* girl with relatively small breasts that only two people have seen: my ex and Rose) am being asked to take my top off too so that everyone is on an even playing field and so we can all examine each other’s boobs to compare them. I couldn’t believe it, but I said fuck it and did it. I dropped the top part of my one-piece suit so that all four of us were barechested and we all sort of came together to evaluate what we all had going on. Kissing girl came over to me and started to examine/grope them as Parker and the gay girl offered comentary.

From there, we all just hung out in the hot tub without our tops on until kissing girl decided that she wanted to put the moves on the gay girl. All of a sudden Parker and I are looking at each other with surprised expressions as kissing girl starts making out with the gay girl in-between playing with/kissing/sucking on her breasts. I could not believe what was happening. I felt like I was in the L word again. Drunken pool party turns into nudity, making out, and possibly more? It was surreal to say the least.

Eventually kissing girl and gay girl took a break so kissing girl and Parker could go outside and smoke. At this point I decided to pull my top back up again because it felt strange to be sitting their topless with just one girl who’d been making out with another one a moment earlier. The gay girl moved closer to me and started talking about how awkward she felt since Kissing girl had a girlfriend that had been at the pool earlier in the evening. I knew that kissing girl and her g/f were non-monogamous because we talked about the play party I’m going to and that’s actually how they met (at a swinger party), so I tried to reassure her that it likely wasn’t a big deal.

Amidst me trying to comfort her she asked me what I thought of her chest and wanted to know if they were sagging at all (she’s 36 and apparently worried about the effects of gravity). I assured her that they were not (because they weren’t) and complimented them. She started talking about my chest and was asking me questions about the transition. I told her this was the first time I’d worn a bathing suit and definitely the first time I’d gone around showing off my relatively new boobs. She was amazed that I’d been brave enough to follow her lead in taking our tops off and commended/complimented me (and the boobs).

At this point the evening sort of came to an end. Parker and Kissing girl came back in from smoking, and I decided that 1am was late enough to be out on a Sunday night. Parker had to work in the morning and I’d already facilitated her getting completely hammered, so I figured it was a good idea to take her home (she agreed). I said goodbye to kissing girl and gay girl (making sure gay girl was okay being left alone with kissing girl McFrisky-pants; she was) and we left. Parker and I laughed about the experience and both thought it was rather hilarious that things had gone the way they had.

And so, that was my weekend. An amazing drag show, a new potential romantic interest (with the cutest damn smile I’ve ever seen), a lovely night of cuddling/kissing/talking with my poly-girlfriend, a fun brunch, meeting new people, wearing my bathing suit for the first time, drinking, and topless hot tub shenanigans. I told you things were going to get interesting, and really, this is just the beginning. I’ve entered the realm of non-monogamous lesbian/queer socializing, dating, and sexuality. This next weekend is going to begin with me going to my first ever queer friendly swinger/play party and there were other sexuality components of this weekend that I’m saving for a later entry.

Just as a fair warning, things are going to get a little more adult programming around here. I won’t ever show nudity or be pornographically descriptive of the things I’m going to experience, but I’m going to start talking about and describing sex a lot more than I have before. I hope that you all continue to read along as I continue this journey into trans* sexuality and dating, and that any kids out there who might be reading this be wary. I know the internet is filled with porn, but the last thing I need is some midwest mother sending me angry emails about how my blog is filling little Timmy’s head with the idea that he can be Tammy and she can have great/exciting sex as a transwoman.

I refuse to censor myself, though, because I believe it’s important to openly talk about so-called taboo subjects like sexuality; especially trans*/queer sexuality. Just because I transitioned genders or because I identify as non-binary, doesn’t mean I can’t have a healthy and exciting sex life. Just because society as a whole thinks I’m a freak or some abberation doesn’t mean that there aren’t others like me or that there aren’t others out there who find an abberation like me sexy and attractive. I’ve been called sexy more times in the last two weeks than I probably had been in the last 7+ years before that.

I’m jumping into this headfirst and I’m taking you all with me because I think there is value in pulling back the guise of hetero-cis-normative sexuality to show that there are a lot of ways to go about it that don’t require a cismale penis to enter a cisfemale vagina. There are also a lot of ways to do dating, love, and sexuality that don’t require monogamy or traditionally accepted relationship forms. I’m taking us on this somewhat anthropological trip into the realm of queer/trans* dating and sex so we can all begin to see the limitations we place upon ourselves and the limitations that society tries to place upon us by making these things taboo.

 Join me or don’t, that is your choice, but I’m heading into this with excitement and you can come along if you care to. I don’t know where it will take us, but I promise one thing, this is going to be interesting if not exciting, arousing, scary, and a whole lot of other things. >;)


-Emma

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