Hello my darling readers, I hope you are all doing wonderfully this weekend. So far I have had some really fun experiences, the kind that lead to not so fun experiences the next day. That’s right, Emma is a bit hungover as she is typing this. As butterflies put it this morning, I must have decided I wanted to try to keep up with the boys with regards to drinking. I had two long islands and four rum and cokes, and as you’ve likely guessed, the sound of my keyboard as I type these words is honestly too loud. The lights above me are really bright too and I still have a touch of a headache despite having been awake for 5 hours (it’s 5pm right now if that tells you anything about how late I was out last night).
The night began with my law firm’s Christmas party at this really high-society venue in Minneapolis (the Minneapolis Club for my local readers) and it was everything I envisioned it would be. The bathrooms were practically lined with gold. The rooms had dazzling woodwork, chandeliers, and super old paintings. There was even a room that was nothing but a library with about eight sitting chairs where one might expect to see some Donald Draper-like man smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of brandy while he laughed with other men in suits as they talked about silly women wanting to be executives.
It was, as my date put it, stuffy. So stuffy in there. The catering staff was almost pompous in their treatment of us, as if they were so accustomed to higher class people that they themselves felt upper class. When they sat us at the table and served our dinners, they surrounded the table and waited for a que from the head waiter so they could all simultaneously place our dishes in front of us. It was kind of surreal and really just speaks to the absurd pretension that one must deal with when you work for affluent lawyers.
My date was a dear friend of mine and honestly the very first transman I ever met. Were it not for our having met, I may not have ended up where I am with regards to transitioning genders. He really opened my eyes to the possibility of a person becoming the opposite gender. In many ways this person serves as a sort of… role model and guardian angel to me. He has taken me under his wing in the fallout of my divorce and has helped me to find my place in the local LGBT community. I have met no less than 50 people in the past few weeks because of him, and I continue to meet more. I have started to frequent his (and my now) favorite bar often enough that I’m starting to become a noticeable regular. People are just dying to meet me most of the time and a few of the bar tenders even know me by name now (likely because I’m a very generous tipper). My network of friends and allies is growing steadily week after week. Going out isn’t as scary as it used to be because I actually know enough people now that there is almost always someone there who I’ve met before and who is willing to talk to me so I’m not completely isolated.
Anyways, returning to the story, my date and I stayed at the party for about 3.5 hours before finally deciding to bail a bit early. We were having an alright time but when it came time to dance to the music provided by the DJ, it became pretty apparent that the fun was really at an end. If we were going to dance anywhere, we were going to dance at the gay bar, so we said fuck it and left.
We got to the bar a little bit before the burlesque show that was planned for the evening’s entertainment began, and grabbed a few more drinks (I was on number 5 at this point, as an FYI) and we hung out. We chatted with some of the regulars that I’ve come to know as well as some new people I hadn’t met before. Again, my friend introduced me to these new people and my circle of acquaintances grew some more. Eventually his girlfriend and butterflies showed up and together the four of us continued to drink, dance, and watch a very hot and provocative burlesque show. It was my first time seeing one and I won’t lie, it was far more entertaining for me than the drag shows typically are. Don’t get me wrong, I love the drag shows, but seeing actual women strip tease down to just their lingerie and pasties with spinners was a bit more up my alley. Another amazing thing about this show was the crowd that it attracted. Can we say lesbians everywhere?
And to that point, I actually ran into a few very attractive, very intriguing, and very interested (in me) women. I won’t say their names in case for some reason they read this blog but the first one definitely caught my eye because of how obvious it was that I had caught her eye. It has been a long time since I’ve had someone check me out that thoroughly before and she liked what she saw. I mean, how could she not, after all? I am dead sexy. =p::
We were outside in the bitter ass cold, smoking cigarettes (yes, I’ve started to smoke somewhat socially because all of my friends smoke and as a former smoker, it was too hard to resist when they offered one; don’t worry though, I don’t do it when I’m home or alone). While we were standing out there, this girl comes out with some of her friends and she has this enormous pitcher of some blue cocktail (evidently she wanted to get hammered too, lol). She walks around me to put her drink on the shelf that’s outside for that very purpose and as she’s walking past me I see her check me out with this playful grin. I kind of turn around to make sure I’ve moved enough that she can squeeze behind me and she is still checking me out. Eventually she steps back around me and starts to talk to one of her friends but the entire time she is standing off to my left, I see her glancing over at me with that same playful smile. Eventually she kind of transitions her way over to the conversation my friends and I are having and she like makes a point to stand next to me, and checks me out again.
At this point I’m feeling pretty good about myself. This girl is clearly interested and is positioning herself in such a way that she and I can talk, so I decide to make the first move and I introduce myself. You should have seen the way her eyes lit up and the smile she got when I did. She tells me her name and says that it’s nice to meet me. Her eyes linger on my face with that twinkle in her eye and the smile on her face longer than they would if she wasn’t interested, but we go back to the conversation at hand. We have a few exchanges and then two of my friends decide to go back inside. Two others are still standing out there with me and now this girl is fully immersed in our group conversation. Well, it comes out that she works at a place where she often wears a bow tie, and it just so happens that she has one with her right then (I’m thinking she’d just gotten off of work) that my friend notices and asks about. She explains why she has it and then, while making sure that I was paying attention to her, proceeds to impress all of us with how quickly she can tie the bow tie. I won’t lie, I was impressed, and seeing her there, giving me that interested expression while wearing a bowtie around her neck, was a major turn on.
This very attractive (I’m guessing Queer) girl not only liked what she saw and wanted my attention, but she was even going so far as to try to impress me. It felt great and exciting. Eventually, though, the cold was too much for me so I decided I was going to go in with my friends. As I was heading inside she makes a point to call after me and says, “It was nice to meet you, Emma!”
I’ve read previously that when people are interested in you or really like you, they will often make a point to include your name when they talk to you:
“Maybe your date says your first and last name, like, “So, Michael Malone, you up for a night cap after dinner?” Or maybe your date says just your first name three times, like “Jenna, Jenna, Jenna.” Either way, it can be a sign that your date feels so much chemistry, he or she can’t help but connect with your closest possession: your name. But only if your name is said in an enthusiastic way—not in a flat tone like the person behind the counter at the DMV. “Saying someone’s name is like a sign that you’re testing the magic you’re feeling, because you almost can’t believe they’re real,” says body language expert Patti Wood. “It also subconsciously elicits immediate focus from the person whose name is said,” says Wood, which is more proof of the chemistry: If someone is into you, he or she wants your full attention.”
The fact that she specifically used my name to say goodbye to me only a few minutes after we’d just met told me that she was interested. Why call after someone leaving (just to go back inside) if you aren’t wanting more of their attention? She could have easily just let me continue inside without trying to elicit my attention, but she went out of her way to make sure I knew she was happy to have met me. Again, she had that smile and the twinkle in her eye as she said it.
The next time I saw this girl, she made a point to say my name again. This time I was on my way out of the bar out to my car because I was feeling overwhelmed by the bar inside. I was at the end of drink number six and there had been other mind altering substances partaken of as well, and the combination of the two left me in a state of extreme anxiety. My friends had disappeared, I was alone in a very loud bar feeling very under the influence and it wasn’t long before I started to have an anxiety attack. I was supposed to be standing by our table so no one would steal it from us which left me feeling trapped in this overstimulating environment, so after a few minutes I decided that I had to go outside to get some air. I abandoned my post and what remained of my drink and walked outside. The cold air helped sober me up a little but there were a lot of people standing outside smoking, talking, and laughing, so I didn’t really feel less overwhelmed. Instead of being around strangers paying attention to a burlesque show, I would be surrounded by strangers looking at me like, WTF is her problem?
I decided that I needed more shelter than the outside was providing me so I headed for my car (with absolutely no intention of driving, do not fear. I knew I was waaaay to inebriated to even think about driving). As I was walking to the car I passed a group of people and she was among them. I didn’t notice her at first because I was too busy trying not to panic, but as I was about to round the corner into the parking lot she called after me and said, “have a good night, Emma! It was nice meeting you!”
I turned around to see who was talking to me and found myself staring at the same bright eyed, charming smile I’d seen half a dozen times already. I quickly explained that I was just going to my car and that I’d be back, to which she said okay and looked relieved (I think she was afraid we wouldn’t get to talk again).
I went to the car, got in it, turned it on so the heat could be on, and I just sat there trying to calm down. Luckily I had half a bottle of water, so I downed that about as quickly as I could because I knew that I needed water if I was ever going to sober up. I sat in the car, wrapped in my jacket, talking myself out of the panic attack for probably 15 minutes (my sense of time was a bit altered, so I really have no idea). The car was safe. The doors were locked. I was alone. It was quiet. It was warm. No one would talk to me. No one was paying attention to me, and I could just be quietly alone.
I texted my friend that I was outside getting some air and that I’d be back in, so they knew not to worry about me. I decided that the fastest way out of anxiety was appreciation, so I started thanking the heavens for all the wonderful things I had in my life. I felt so grateful for my friends and for the fun I was having (prior to the anxiety overload), and for many many other things. Eventually my anxiety subsided and I found myself feeling calm. In an almost perfectly synchronistic way, a few other friends we’d been waiting for pulled into the parking lot and parked in front of my car. I decided that this was a sign that I could go back inside without being overwhelmed again. One of these friends is also an introvert so we share a common bond when out at the bar together.
I got out, rendezvoused with them, and went back inside. Bowtie girl (her name now) was nowhere to be seen, and would remain that way for much of the night. I looked for her again and again hoping to talk with her to see if my hunch that she was attracted to me was correct, but I never really got the chance. I worried that she’d left but eventually I did see her again and I did end up outside with her while she was smoking with her friends. Unfortunately I spent more of my time talking to one of her guy friends (who was totally nice) than I did her, and eventually I just gave up. It didn’t seem like it was meant to be because any opportunity I had to talk with her was headed off by one of her drunk friends monopolizing her time. I went back inside and that was really the last time I saw her. I did talk to her monopolizing drunk friend a bit later though, but it was an inconsequential discussion.
The night was not over, though. No, far from it, in fact. I watched a few more acts in the burlesque show, drank water hand over fist, sobered up, flirted a lot with butterflies who has been really enjoying my attention and wants more of it (things are escalating a bit there, but we can discuss that another time), and danced to some music during the show’s intermission. Eventually my friends decided they wanted to go out and smoke again, so I went with them (I didn’t smoke this time). While I was out there I ran into someone who immediately caught my attention. She was stunningly beautiful and had such an amazing smile. She was making a point to talk to my friends and eventually zeroed in on me. Our eyes met and there was this connection that I cannot explain.
Perhaps she is just that magnetic of a person but regardless, I was smitten almost immediately. I think she could tell and I think she liked that I was because she practically ignored everyone else around us to talk to me, and we talked for quite a while. My friends went back inside because they were done smoking but I decided to stay out there to talk with this girl. It was so easy and she was 100% interested in learning more about me, and I was 100% interested in learning more about her.
I honestly haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since it happened. It was like I knew her, somehow. Like we’d met before. She felt so familiar to me, but not in the way that actual familiarity feels. I knew I had never met her before, yet I felt like I already knew her, and I think she picked up on it. There has only ever been one other person I felt that way with, and that person changed my life forever. That person became the first person I felt comfortable enough to come out to as transgender and her friendship and acceptance of me was instrumental in the early months of my transition.
I remember feeling the way I do now about that person before, and it has me all flustered. I don’t know if I will ever see this girl again, but I really really hope I do. I really hope that our paths cross again and I hope she is as interested next time as she was last night because I felt a serious connection there. I guess only time will tell.
Again, I didn’t get much of an opportunity to talk with her past our initial interaction and eventually I decided to head home. It was past 2am and I knew I had to go into work at some point, so I left. That's all I have for now. I plan to go out again tonight and maybe I'll run into one or both of these girls. I don't have high hopes though.
Well, thanks for stopping by and I hope to have even more entertaining stories from Emma’s hot mess of a life to tell.