Monday, December 7, 2015

12-7-2015 Entry: Emma's Hot Mess of a Life Episode 2, Polyamory 101

Hello my darlings. I hope things are going well with you and that you are more excited for this Monday than I am. I stayed home from work today to work on homework since it’s more or less finals week for me. Both of my grad classes have major, semester-long projects due today and tomorrow, and one of them requires my group and I to give a 20 minute presentation about the research proposal we’ve been developing for a couple months.

Needless to say, I probably shouldn’t be on here blogging, but I wanted to write something quickly before I begin the long day of homework I have ahead of me. If you recall, I believe our last episode in Emma’s Hot Mess of a Life left off with me preparing to meet my new polyamorous friends for the second time, so that’s where we will begin.

Both Rosey (I’m just going to call her “R” from now on) and her husband decided to stop over at my house on their way into the cities for a swingers’ party. *See, I told you things were going to get interesting*

 Meeting them for the second time actually turned out to be a pretty decent night, if not a little bizarre.  R and her husband showed up at the house just as I was getting home with the pizza I’d ordered for us to eat. I let them in, we grabbed some pizza and went to sit around my dinner table where we proceeded to just talk for a while. It became obvious that my unspoken fears that I might be murdered were misplaced (one never knows in the online world) and I found that these two people were relatively normal and low-key. They were rather nice and friendly, and seemed to genuinely want to get to know me on a personal level. I found out that R actually had a degree in chemistry, which of course meant that we geeked out together for a little while about chemistry since that’s what I first went to school for. Overall, It was a pleasant conversation.

We talked for probably about an hour at the table before deciding to clean up the dishes and move into the living room, at which point all three of us sat on my couch. I sat at the end, R sat in the middle, and her husband sat at the opposite end. And so the bizarreness began. I was sitting with my back towards the armrest so that it was easier to see and talk with both of them, which meant that my leg was up on the couch and more or less touching R’s leg. I found this to be a comfortable way to sit and before long R had her hand on my thigh and was being actually quite affectionate… all right in front of her husband.

Let me just say it was a very unique experience for me. I was honestly a little uncomfortable or at the very least somewhat outside of my comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t unpleasantly uncomfortable, just very outside of my scope of experiences. I enjoyed that she was physically affectionate with me (the ex rarely ever was) and I wanted us to be more affectionate (as did she) but I just felt strange being all touchy feely in front of someone who is just sitting there, not really participating. I’d never do that in front of a friend who had no reason to be there except to see me, so why would I do it to her husband. It just felt like it would be inconsiderate.

If I’m honest, I almost wish that he HAD tried to participate. Not that I really wanted him to be affectionate with me, but if he would have been affectionate to her while she was affectionate to both of us, it wouldn’t have felt so strange to me. I’ve never experienced three way activity before, so I would have been open to the idea, but alas, that is not how things went.

As an aside, I have to laugh while I’m writing these things as I envision your reactions. I’m positive that many of you think I have lost my mind now that I’m divorced, and you very well could be right about that. As my therapist put it, suddenly being single after such a long term committed relationship is almost like being on speed. You just want to throw all inhibition to the wind and try EVERYTHING! What I’m doing right now, by entering into the realm of polyamory and swinging, is kind of crazy, but I feel like I have to try it. I have to experience what this situation is like because if I’m going to be a therapist that works with the LGBT community, I’m going to eventually have people come into therapy who are polyamorous or in open relationships. If I haven’t been there or at least been exposed to it in some fashion, I won’t be able to help them. Besides, I’ve never really been sexual as Emma. Sure, my ex and I had sex after I started HRT and after I went fulltime, but it wasn’t really as Emma or even as anything resembling the feminine role. This new step I’m taking, is really an exploration of what my sexuality as Emma can look like.

I have found someone who will show me things I have never seen and will push the boundaries of what I understand sexuality to be. She is not only capable of and experienced in many things that I’ve always wanted to try, but she seems entirely willing to introduce me to all of it. She knows that I’m a bit innocent in some regards and is ready to help corrupt me, so to speak. I can’t lie that I am excited for this, even as I’m a bit timid or scared of it.

I have said countless times before that if it excites you and scares you all at the same time, then it’s going to be worth your bravery. I have learned that time and again since I’ve come out as trans*, and this is just the most recent opportunity to be both excited and scared. I am thrilled at the wonderful opportunities I have ahead of me if things continue as they are, yet I’m also terrified of the unknown. I have an idea of how this could all play out, but I really have no way of knowing what I’m going to find at the bottom of this cave I’ve entered.

Thus far, it has been positive overall. Spending the evening with R and her husband was fun and enjoyable. I loved that R went from resting her hand on my thigh, to holding my hand, to kissing me goodbye. Sure, it was strange for me that her husband witnessed all of this but he didn’t seem too bothered by it. He did eventually say that he felt a little like a third wheel, which is what I was afraid of, but his suggestion was that R and I have a date alone next time. He gave her permission to see me in a more private and intimate way.

That is new for me. I’m going to be the girlfriend to someone’s wife while they know about it and approve of it. I could even see the three of us becoming really good friends after it’s no longer weird to be affectionate with R in front of him. I suspect that in time it will feel less awkward for me because I’ll be much more comfortable than I was Saturday.

This dynamic is truly intriguing. It is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and while I do see some drawbacks to it, I also see so many advantages. The biggest drawback is that I’ll never be the primary focus for R, so my emotional and relational needs will always come second. Instead of being able to see her whenever I want, it must be more scheduled and it must not interfere with her schedule with him. I will always be left at somewhat of a distance, never to get too close or become too involved. This means that I cannot rely upon R to give me all the attention and affection I want or even need.

Despite some of those being drawbacks, they are also advantages too. I don’t have to be her primary source of attention either, so my burden to the relationship is minimal. I don’t have to worry about having those day-to-day stresses with her that one does in a committed relationship. We will never fight about the damn dishes or mowing the lawn. Not seeing her all the time means that I have plenty of time not only for myself, but to see other people if I want to. I am not committed to her and we are already operating from a non-monogamous starting point, so I don’t have to worry about “cheating” on her if I see someone else (that other person may be a different story though, obviously). I get many of the sexual benefits of a relationship without having to put in the work necessary to maintain a committed relationship, which really suits my needs right now.

 I need to be alone and uncommitted for a while, but I also need to explore my sexuality too. I am entering an entirely new realm of dating and I don’t know the rules. I don’t know how to date and have sex as a transwoman. I don’t know what it’s like to be seen and treated as female in a sexual or relational way. My ex was never any good at treating me like a lady. She rarely, if ever, told me that I was beautiful or sexy, especially when I was in full dress/makeup. Sure she would say that I looked nice or even cute, but it wasn’t in the way a lover tells another lover they are cute. It was the way a friend tells you that.

R tells me I’m beautiful and definitely thinks I’m sexy; and she’s only ever seen me in full dress/makeup. She engages with me and flirts with me as Emma the way a lover does. She sends me a message almost every morning saying “good morning beautiful” or “good morning sexy.” She also sends me a message almost every night that says goodnight in a similar fashion. She treats me like a lady, and I enjoy that, a lot. That was a big reason I found butterflies so appealing, because he treated me like a lady. He was extremely chivalrous and enjoyed taking on that masculine role. R doesn’t take on a masculine role, but she does take on a more dominant role, which is exciting. I’m happiest when I’m in the more submissive role. I want to be pursued and taken. I want to be desired and I want them to come on to me most of the time.

My ex wanted me to do the opposite. She wanted me to be the dominant one, and I just never was. It didn’t come naturally to me, really. I realize now why our sex was so great at the beginning of our relationship. She took on the dominant role. She was the one who decided to fly out to see me. She was the one who initiated our first experience of sex. She was the one who convinced me to have sex with her even when we were both trying to be good and chaste Mormons. She came on to me. Sure, I put myself in the place where it would happen and I definitely didn’t just lie there doing nothing, but she was the one who initiated things. After I moved, that stopped happening. She almost never initiated  sex. I always had to be the one and that role never fit me, especially after my transition to Emma.

The best sexual partner I have ever been with was also the dominant one most of the time. She pursued me, she came on to me, and she took me when she wanted to. I loved that. I loved that she was almost always the one who initiated sex, that it was almost always her idea. R, reminds me a great deal of that previous partner. She reminds me what it’s like to be the object of desire and to be pursued.

If this entry had a theme song, it would likely be: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38IOqcYxgqc 

Anyways, now that you know entirely too much about my sexual desires, let me get to that homework I’ve been procrastinating and just close with this. Polyamory is peculiar but also exciting. Being desired as a woman instead of as a man is peculiar but also exciting. I cannot wait to see where all of this goes and I hope you will join along with me. As I said, things are getting more and more interesting with each passing day, and I sense that I’m only at the very beginning of this new exploration of transgender sexuality.

Thanks for tuning in to today’s episode of Emma’s Hot Mess of a Life and I will hopefully have more to write soon enough. **MUAH**

-Emma

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