I will begin with Jenna Marbles. So, last night two of my friends and I had the amazing pleasure of getting to see Jenna Marbles live and in person. Not only did we get to see her but we got to sit approximately twenty feet away from her for about an hour. She is everything you would hope for and more, let me just tell you. You know how some celebrities show up and are completely not at all like you’d imagine them to be? Well, Jenna Marbles is not one of those. I really believe that her videos are truly just her… pure, unadulterated Jenna being and doing Jenna. She is as hysterical and awkward and amazing as she is on her youtube channel. The only real difference in my mind is that she is way cuter in person. Perhaps it’s just because I was within a few feet of her at one point and got to see her radiant face and amazing purple and blue hair up close that I feel that way, but I have to say her beau is one lucky guy. Speaking of her Beau, he was there as well and he was practically in my lap at one point taking a picture of Jenna up on stage. He spent the entire time standing about 10 feet behind my friends and I, which was surreal because Jenna kept looking over at him and I was pretty much in the direct line of sight, so it felt like she was looking right at me half of the show. I’ll post the photo I have of him below. Just know that I didn’t use zoom at all, that’s literally how close he was to me. He, if I might be so bold to say, is also more attractive in person. He’s rather handsome actually (we already knew that, but still).
Overall the event was rather fun. It basically consisted of Jenna talking with a moderator on stage and interacting with the crowd at various times. She answered questions that were asked by the moderator and then answered pre-selected questions from people who had submitted them prior to the show. All of her answers were spectacular, either because they were hilarious or because they were classically awkward Jenna (I’m using awkward in the best and most endearing way possible, in case Jenna is reading this). She was both amusing and also inspirational too. She talked about how she’d gotten her master’s degree by time she was 22, which is fucking astounding, really. I didn’t know she had one prior to the show and am all the more impressed with her now given that I’m working on a master’s degree myself and am aware of how stressful and time consuming it can be.
The biggest takeaway that I got from the show, however, was Jenna’s advice to just go for things. She talked about how making a plan for the future can be such a waste of time because you can never really predict where it’s going to go. She had no idea she would be this famous youtube star and if she’d forced herself into some predesigned plan, she wouldn’t be living this exciting and fucking awesome life that she is. This message struck me because as many of you know, that’s precisely what I’ve been attempting to do myself. Sure, I have a general plan and a direction I’m wanting to head in life, but if you’d asked me 5 years ago if this is where I’d be, I would have laughed at you. I could have never predicted that I’d be living as a non-binary transwoman, that I would have written two novels, that I would have a blog with readers from all around the world, that I’d be divorced, and that I’d be in grad school to become a therapist. Additionally, despite knowing the general direction I want to take in life, I’m also not really trying to force my future into anything concrete. I, like Jenna Marbles, want to see where life takes me as I try to cease the opportunities that excite me instead of worrying about if it fits into some plan. Fuck the plan, let’s just roll with it and see how far we can get.
I can say that with some confidence because the longer I head down this road I’ve taken, the more the opportunities for excitement have started to flow into my life. There are some potential things in the works right now that I’m reluctant to really talk about (for fear that I’ll jinx myself) but if I understand the situation correctly, Emma, transwoman extraordinaire, might have an amazing opportunity to really step up her level of influence in the LGBT community here in MN. If I’m understanding the potential opportunity correctly, I may be in for an exciting new level of visibility and (almost political) sway. That’s all I’m going to say though. Don’t want to jinx myself before I’m certain I understand things correctly; besides, I have to leave you wanting more, right? Otherwise why come back to trans-advent to read unless you think that maybe exciting new things are happening to Emma?
Speaking of exciting things, let’s move our discussion to polyamory. So, as you all likely know, in the wake of my divorce I have decided to take a crack at the world of online LGBT dating for the first time (really for the first time in LGBT dating in general as well). I’ve signed up for a couple sites but thus far my favorite one is OKCupid (OKC). I like OKC because it not only seems to have a much larger population of would-be suitors for someone like me, but it’s really good at matching me with people that I’m actually interested in getting to know. True, I definitely get a lot of bogus or questionable messages from profiles that just HAVE to be fake, but for the most part, I’ve been quite pleased with my decision to use the site.
I have met a handful of very interesting people to chat with and text with (after exchanging numbers) but last night was the first time I actually met someone from OKC in person. We started chatting on OKC about a week ago when she liked my profile. I checked her profile before messaging her and it took me a little while to decide if I was willing to talk with her because she is married. Now, I’m sure you can imagine my reluctance given what’s transpired over the last 6 weeks. I have vowed to never cheat or help cheat ever again after my ex-wife decided to go fuck one of her co-workers and break my heart. I’ve vowed to never inflict that kind of pain on another person again (because sadly, I have been that person once before), so considering seeing a married woman put me in an awkward position. The only reason I even considered it at all was because she talked about how she was in an open relationship with her husband and was seeking a secondary partner (in a polyamorous way, not just random sex). More than this, she identified as pansexual, which meant she would likely have no problem with me being a pre-op transwoman.
I won’t lie, my curiosity was truly piqued at this opportunity. If we hit it off, I might possibly find someone who was interested in a semi-serious romantic/sexual relationship that wouldn’t care if I was trans, and would never really expect some sort of long-term monogamous commitment out of me. If there was a list of three things I wanted from a relationship at this point in my life (you know immediately following my heart-breaking divorce) those would be the three: sexual, non-committal but consistent, and completely on board with a girl who has boy parts. So, my curiosity got the best of me and I messaged her that I was intrigued, because I honestly was.
My previous attempts to find a queer/bisexual/pansexual/homoflexible girl weren’t really panning out, even after phone numbers were exchanged, so I figured why not see where things go. I made sure right from the beginning that it was clear I wasn’t interested in helping her cheat. If we were going to become involved her husband had to know and he had to be okay with it before I’d do anything at all. She assured me that would be the case. We have been chatting ever since via text, and we even made plans to meet last night, which was a first for me. I have never, in my life, set up a date with someone I’d never met from the internet before.
Let me just say, holy fucking terrifying batman. I was a nervous wreck the whole day as I considered going to meet this woman. My anxiety was compounded by two other very stressful details.
First, I would be meeting someone I didn’t know at a gay night club that I’ve never been to before with no one I actually knew (aka an introvert’s nightmare). I had no idea what to expect and I wasn’t really excited to go to this club by myself. What if it was super awkward? How would I get out of it without blowing her off?
Second, her husband was going to be there with her. Yep, not only was I going to meet this woman from the internet that I’d been flirting with all week but I was also going to meet the husband who had to approve of our relationship. Can we say fucking intimidating? I have never been part of anything at all like polyamory. This is a 100% new experience for me and I don’t know the rules. How does one do this? How does one date/sleep with another person’s spouse with their permission?
So, there I am at like 2pm, considering whether or not I was going to go meet this couple from the internet at a bar I’ve never been to before, and I won’t lie, I almost turned it down. I was so scared of all the things that could go wrong. I was so worried that I’d clam up and shut down like I so often do in overwhelming social situations like a night club. What if all the chemistry we seemed to feel via text was absent in person? It happens, my friends, more often than one might think.
Eventually, though, I decided that I had to do it. I made sure that she understood that I’d likely be very shy given the circumstances and made her promise that she wouldn’t hold it against me if I was overly bashful. She promised that she wouldn’t hold it against me and so our plans were set.
I went to Jenna Marbles with my friends and then when I got back to my car after the show, I proceeded to head to a scary new place with scary new people for a really scary reason. I decided I had to be brave, and I’m glad I did. I got to the club and debated with the bouncer for a while about whether or not I was actually the person on my ID (still listed as Robert and pictured with a goatee). Eventually, after he continued to not fucking believe me for the better part of a minute I told him that I could take of my wig if he really wanted me to, which seemed to placate him. He gave me my 21+ wrist band and sent me to pay for my entrance. I paid the $5 and went in to a place unlike any I have ever seen in my entire life. Holy fuck that place was a spectacle to behold. Every kind of sexual, gay, drag, kinky, and BDSM thing you can fucking imagine was going on inside. I’ve made my way around a few of the other gay bars/clubs around the twin cities but none of them hold a candle to this one. It was over the top, really, and for me, almost too much. I had never seen a man wearing nothing but a G-string banana hammock twerk on stage before, but I have now, my dear readers. It was… gross honestly, but then again I’m not really attracted to men. I will admit, though, that there was another nearly nude male dancer that was actually kind of hot. He had rhythm and was very sexy the way he danced (no twerking) and I found myself a little more intrigued than expected (more on this in a bit).
Well, I made my way through the throbbing masses of drunk people, most of whom were wearing Christmas themed clothing (evidently it was a Merry XXXmas theme that night, which I did not know), and found my way into the karaoke lounge where my date(s) were waiting for me. I finally found them huddled around a table in the corner and I went up to them to say hello. Rosey (I’m going to keep her real name private for her sake, so she will just be known as Rosey) greeted me warmly with a hug and asked me to sit down next to her. She was about as attractive as I had imagined from the photos she’d sent me (also, not always the case, so beware) which I was happy about. She introduced me to her husband, who was actually a rather handsome man, and some friends that were there with them (I’m not sure if these were swinger friends or not, but I do know my date and her husband do swing, so they very well could have been).
After that, we just basically chatted for a while, at least as much as people can chat in a loud ass bar. Rosey was a little tipsy, which was kind of cute, so I decided to get myself a drink (liquid courage) to join her. After I finished my Rum and coke we decided to head out to one of the other areas in the club (there are many different themed rooms apparently) which is where Senior twerking was at. It was hilarious to see two evidently straight men (Rosey’s husband and the husband of the other couple we were with) be exposed to such flagrant displays of homosexuality because they were like O_O at the dancers.
After a bit of dancing to the music and chatting some more, Rosey’s husband and their friends decided to go into this other part of the club that required additional admissions (which I’m somewhat sad I didn’t go see) while Rosey and I decided to head back into the Karaoke lounge alone. We sat at the same table again and proceeded to talk for a while. It was nice and there was definitely chemistry there. I really felt the urge to try to kiss her several times but was too shy to do so. We were somewhat affectionate and touchy-feely though, which reassured me that even though I was being a bashful prude she was still enjoying being around me. Other than that, nothing really happened. We hung out for a while before meeting up with the others again, and then eventually decided to leave around 1am. We said goodbye, Rosey hugged me and I went home.
We texted a handful of times after leaving and it was apparent that she was still interested, despite my inability to really put the moves on her, and then I went to bed.
I awoke to the sound of her text message saying “good morning sexy” which is probably one of the best ways to wake up ever (just saying) and proceeded to text pretty much all morning. The chemistry was still there and eventually we decided to make plans to see one another again today.
I told her that her husband was pretty handsome, because he was, and evidently he thought I was pretty cute too. I don’t know where this is going to go, but if things progress the way they have been, I may very well become involved with both of them, which brings me back to an earlier topic.
I have decided after careful consideration that I can no longer identify as just a lesbian. I don’t know if it’s just the HRT or if I’ve always been a bit more attracted to men than I allowed myself to believe, but I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to either identify as Queer (because I reject that sexuality has to be labeled) or as homoflexible (mostly gay/lesbian, but sometimes not). My attraction to Butterflies the transman and now my curiosity about being involved with not only Rosey but also maybe her husband has forced me to reevaluate my sexuality. I cannot deny that sometimes I’m attracted to men. I cannot deny that the sexy male dancer at the club didn’t get me a little flustered. It’s rare, and I definitely don’t see myself ending up with a cisman in any truly permanent way, but if I’m going to transcend the gender binary, why not also transcended the sexuality binary while I’m at it? You don’t have to be only straight or gay. Bisexuality and other non-conforming sexualities exist and are valid. Sexuality is as fluid if not more fluid than gender is, so I’m not sure why I’m so surprised that I, a non-binary person, would have a non-binary based sexuality (as of now, I have been attracted to ciswomen, cismen, transmen, transwomen, and gender fluid people).
Again, you cannot predict the future. I would have never dreamed that I’d be announcing for all the world to see that sometimes I like men. I would have never envisioned that one day I’d identify as queer or homoflexible. The point is that you just have to go with the flow of life. You have to take risks (like meeting an OKC date at an unfamiliar bar) and you have to be willing to step outside of your comfort zone (in a safe way, of course).
What my future holds ahead of me is uncertain, but I can tell you one thing for certain: If I become involved with this couple in a polyamorous way, this blog will probably get a hell of a lot more interesting. Rosey is anything but a prude from what we’ve discussed, and I’m rather hopeful that she will introduce me to a whole new level of sexuality that I’ve been longing for. After spending 7 years in a rather vanilla sexual relationship with my ex, I’m eager to get a little down and dirty with it. I have always been intrigued with the ideas of threesomes, group sex, and BDSM, and it’s looking like I’ve met the right people to introduce me to all of those things. Depending on how things go, I may end up having to start a second blog that’s dedicated more towards the erotica/adult content spectrum of my life, but we will see.
Well, that’s all I have for you now, but stay tuned; I expect that things have only just started to get truly interesting. I will be hanging out with Rosey and her husband in about two hours and I have no idea what to really expect. It might be just another evening of chatting and getting to know one another in platonic ways… or we might decide to take it further. I’m not making any plans because I’m just going to go with it to see where it goes.
(p.s. I tweeted a couple pictures at Jenna Marbles after the show and not only did she favorite both of my tweets, but she started following me! Makes me feel pretty awesome… I’m only 1 of like 60k, but still, I don’t care!)