Sunday, November 8, 2015

11-8-2015 Entry: One Day Closer to the End

Hello my darlings. This divorce is just agony. The ups and downs are so frequent and come at such unpredictable times. One minute everything is fine and then the next I’m in tears. One minute I’m in tears and the next I’m unbelievably angry. One minute I’m angry and then I feel nothing. The next minute I’m back to being fine, or even great and happy. Sometimes I feel so free and eager for my new life as a single lady. Then I go back to being horribly depressed that what I had before, which was really so good, is at an end and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

It’s truly difficult to live with her as she packs her things and prepares to leave at the end of the week. In many ways it’s like nothing has changed at all, and then something happens, some small trigger that is barely visible and we are at odds with one another again. It’s those times I want nothing more than for her to get the fuck out and never come back. It’s those times that I wish I had just insisted that she leave or stay at a friend’s house until it was time to move.

One minute it’s like we are the best friends we have been for years and the next we are these two people displaying their ugliest of traits. My jealousy over this new romantic interest is almost enough to strangle me. It drives me to do things I never thought I would, to be a person I never thought I could be. Her selfishness and inability to show compassion to the person she pledged her life to is so ugly it is beyond description. It drives me mad. How could someone be so unfeeling and unkind? How could someone be so selfish and coldhearted to the person they built a life with, seemingly overnight too.

10 days ago we snuggled in bed and she told me she loved me with an unbelievable amount of love in her eyes. We laid there together as spouses, committed to one another and ready to overcome any challenge. Now she is insisting that it’s none of my business if she sleeps with the man she ruined our marriage with while she is still living with me and does not seem to give a single fuck that doing so is like having the affair all over again. I mean, how disrespectful can she become? It’s like I don’t even know her anymore.

I don’t know this person I’m living with. She is a stranger to me. An indifferent, coldhearted, and mean stranger. The way she treats me sometimes  would make you think I was the one who’d had the affair, not her. Is it her guilt that’s creating this? The uncertainty that she is unwilling to express or acknowledge. Perhaps she fear that if she expresses uncertainty it will cause this whole house of cards to collapse in on itself.

I have never seen someone appear so happy to leave so much of their life behind on a whim. It’s like she idealizes this future where she is alone in a single-roomed apartment with no dog, no house, no car, and no best friend. I fear for the day she realizes that it’s not going to be as awesome as she thinks it will be. A new start has its merits, I’ll give her that and have appreciated some of the benefits it’s offering me, but starting over is also really damn hard and has no guarantee of a better result. Just because you tear your entire life down and build from the ground up doesn’t mean the next life will be more stable or happier.

 I would know because I’ve done it before, and look where it led me: heartbreak, mistrust, jealousy, and suicidal depression. Scorpio is the sign of the phoenix who is constantly being reborn into something new. Sure, the new start always has promise, but the past lives still find their way into the new one. There is no clean break, no easy disconnection, no perfectly new and untarnished future ahead. The past is always playing a role on the present and will help steer the future. This divorce will permeate every piece of my future for some time to come and will ultimately completely change the direction my life will go. If it had ended with different circumstances perhaps that permeation wouldn’t be so great and wouldn’t  leave me at the onset of my new life alone with such damage and heartbreak.

I fear for what that damage and heartbreak will bring to my life and how it will bar me from moving into a positive new place. I worry that I will wreak so heavily of despair that I will never appear attractive to another person. My greatest fear is that I will be alone forever as a result of this divorce.
She, of course, tries to convince me otherwise but I’m not sure her motives are entirely to be trusted. Given this new uncaring, selfish incarnation of the woman I used to call my wife I can easily see that reassurance being more for herself than for me. She won’t have to feel the weight of her decisions or how much she hurt me if she convinces herself that I’ll be fine and will find greater happiness. What a convenient belief for her to have.

It is not, however, so convenient for me to have that belief because every time I attempt to find that happier life without her and it doesn’t appear to succeed, even in the slightest, I am left again with this aching loss inside my heart. Last night I went out to the trans/gay bar by myself for the very first time, and while the drag show that they had was very entertaining and unlike anything I’d ever experienced before, I sat quietly and spoke with almost no one. No one paid any attention to me and those who’s interest I was eager to capture not only didn’t return the interest but seemed to completely ignore me after possibly becoming aware of my interest. I spent 3 hours sipping drinks and watching the drag show by myself, feeling more and more lonely by the minute.

I left the bar a little after midnight and cried almost the entire way home. I considered yet again ending my life and even began the determined drive to the walgreens to buy sleeping pills to end my suffering. Obviously I didn’t go through with that plan. Instead I drove home and sat in the car in the garage crying for almost an hour before I could come inside to face the woman who’d hurt me so deeply.

I felt so unsure of how to proceed with my life. How do I walk ahead and hope to find love when I can’t even work up the courage to talk to someone at the bar? How do I attract the attention of another when I am ignored or dismissed at every turn.  I don’t know how to be that person. I’m not sure I want to be that person, but must I become them to ensure I do not live a lonely life? I cannot come home to my cats and play world of Warcraft every day and hope to find love or really even happiness. I can barely even bring myself to play the game these days. In the same way that food has lost its savor, so has WoW lost its escapism.  It used to be my distraction, my happy place, the place I could go and destress but it’s not that anymore. I’m too distracted with life to be distracted from it. Talk about a damn catch 22.
She is going to see him again tonight, something I very begrudgingly agreed to with a contract we both signed about how the next couple weeks were going to go. It’s killing me to think about it. I know there is nothing I can do to influence her actions and if this new selfish, uncaring incarnation of the woman I used to love has her way, she will rip my broken heart out again and stomp on it until it is nothing but dust. I want nothing more than for us to part on amicable terms so the healing can begin, but I don’t think I can do it. Her seeing him tonight will destroy any and all respect I have for her or ever had for her.

When I ask her to try to spare my feelings with her visit to this marriage wrecking man, she says she doesn’t have to stay on a pedestal for me, but she is mistaken if she thinks she’s on a pedestal at all right now. She is my least favorite person at this current moment, and all I’m asking is that she not become the one person I will forever hate and despise. I’m only asking that she not become human garbage who is devoid of any worth or kindness.

She owes me more than that. She owes those marriage vows more than that. She says she isn’t a liar but every time she sees another person when we are still married or at the very least living together is another time she makes those wedding vows a lie. A mistake is a mistake, but if it is repeated then it becomes a habit, not a mistake.

I fear that by the end of this coming week I will want nothing but the worst for her and this new life she is hoping will be so great. I fear that all of my love, all of my kindness, and all of my capacity to be compassionate and forgiving will be stripped from me and I will have no choice but to throw her away like a broken bottle that has lost all of its use or meaning.

I do not wish to begin my new life with a shriveled, broken, and cold heart. I do not want my life as Robert to end with the cursing of the name of the person he loved more than anyone. I want to start life with an open heart, even if it is wounded and in need of healing. I want to start my life with the ability to trust in the basic decency of those around me. I want to begin this life on a note other than betrayal and selfishness. I want this new life to be a happy one, not the byproduct of the tragic ending to the last one.

Sadly, almost none of that is in my control right now. I must ride out the waves of this storm and hope I am left with the strength to swim my way to the beach in the distance. My only option right now is to not be taken under by the water and drowned by it’s cold darkness.


-Emma

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