Hello my darlings. I apologize if you came here yesterday from t-central to read my post entitled “The Fallout of Infidelity and Grieving the Loss of Love” and found that it no longer existed. I had to take it down out of necessity in order to prevent a catastrophic meltdown in the divorce proceedings between my-soon-to-be-ex-wife (MSBEW) and I.
Suffice it to say that I allowed my anger (which is 100% justified, given the situation) to blind me from the potential consequences of sharing the entire truth. What I wrote yesterday, for the like 10 people who might have read it was 100% my truth. It encapsulated everything I was thinking and feeling at the time. Naturally, MSBEW did not appreciate me revealing to the whole world her transgressions and the name of the man she destroyed our marriage with.
I still feel a desire to publish his name and to drag it through the mud so that everyone who ever googles him will see that he is the kind of person who takes another person’s wife to bed on the first attempt. It’s only the truth, and if he can’t handle the truth then perhaps he should stop fucking other people’s spouses.
All of that being said, my desire to ruin his life the way he has helped ruin mine must be set aside for the sake of peace in the remaining 8 days MSBEW is still living with me, and thereafter until we are divorced. After that point, I honestly cannot say what I will do. I could not have predicted 2 weeks ago that I’d be writing a post about how the love of my life betrayed me with an affair, so I cannot really predict what will happen over the coming weeks. Ideally everything between us will end amicably and I will no longer feel a desire to hurt her or him anymore.
I truly want that. I do not want to hurt anyone. It is I who is hurt, I am the one suffering and unleashing that suffering onto others is not only counterproductive but doesn’t really help me feel better. Sure, in the moment if felt great to publish his name for people all around the world to know who had hurt your beloved Emma, but that momentary excitement was completely overshadowed with the sick feeling I had when I realized that my action might very well make everything a thousand times worse in the coming weeks. Even though I pulled the post down and only a handful of people may have read it, the damage was done and could not be fully repaired. MSBEW and I are really just at a cease-fire rather than a peace treaty.
Yesterday I drafted up a contract with her, one that was not only fair but will hopefully put an end to all our strife. That is the ceasefire contract, the quid pro quo between us. She ceases to be romantically involved with this guy while she is living with me and I’ll stop trying to hurt her and invade her privacy. I’ve been guilty of quite a few things that were very prying into her privacy and although they were 100% normal for the wounded spouse in a marital affair situation (I know, I’ve done a great deal of research about how to deal with this awful situation and learned all about typical responses, see: https://www.affairrecovery.com/ ), they were not productive actions and have only served to further drive a wedge between us.
She shouldn’t have cheated and she definitely shouldn’t have continued to carry on active contact with the person she had an affair with while she wanted us to live together. A compassionate person wouldn’t do that. Someone who claims to still love me and wants us to be friends at the end of this, doesn’t do that. At the same time it isn’t my business anymore, not if we are getting a divorce and parting ways forever. If she chooses to carry on a relationship with this guy (which I’m just going to say is doomed to fail already), that is her business. Not my monkeys, not my fucking circus, so to speak.
So what now? Well, now it’s my job to learn how to stop caring. I cannot control this situation, I cannot put out this fire, but I can also make sure I don’t pour any more gasoline on it (which is what yesterday’s post really was doing) by letting go. She hurt me, more than anyone has ever or may ever hurt me, but the more I resist this complete demolition of our life together, the deeper that pain is going to be. My resistance thus far, while completely justified, has practically guaranteed that she and I will never be able to be friends. The odds were against us already, as they are with anyone who goes through a divorce, but the combination of her actions and my reactions to them have further eroded those odds.
Right now, all I want is for her to be gone. I just want her out of my life. It won’t be forever, that’s probably not possible given the circumstances of our divorce agreements, but I need a solid break from contact for a while to recover from this. It’s all too in my face, too close, too encompassing. I know I will be horribly lonely in our big house all by myself, and I know I will miss her more than she honestly deserves right now, but I just want to get that pain over with. I want to learn how to stand on my own two feet again without someone to lean on.
We helped keep each other afloat for so many years that the thought of being alone is daunting. The thought that she will likely have a new b/f to help her cure the loneliness she is bound to feel is also daunting. I’m quite jealous of that fact, if I’m honest. I have to deal with the pain of all of these events alone, in the solitude of what used to be our house.
I have started to look into dating, a decision that was gold-star approved by my therapist, but the prospects have not been so great thus far. There are plenty of amazing, interesting, and beautiful women out there who are interested in women… but so few of them want a transwoman. The ones that have seemed willing to look beyond that are definitely a bit cray-cray or have their lives in even worse condition than I do. I might become lonely (I already am with this new distance between my best friend and I) but I’m not so lonely as to take on a relationship with a single 26yo woman with two kids (one she had at 17) and is pregnant with another. I feel bad for being that shallow, because she is likely really awesome and sweet, but I also don’t feel bad. That is a level of disarray that I cannot handle in my life right now.
If I’m going to date someone, they have got to have their shit together, at least somewhat. I spent the last 7 years in a committed relationship with someone who was practically financially destitute because of student loans until the last couple months, honestly, and that was hard enough of a burden to carry. I cannot take that kind of burden on again, not now, not when everything is still in a spinning free-fall.
No, maybe it makes me shallow, but I want someone who doesn’t need me to take care of them. I want someone who wants me to take care of them because they want to take care of me too, but they need to be able to take care of themselves for that to work. I guess I’m lucky that I’m entering the dating pool at 30, because most of the women around my age, do have their lives put together. Many of them have careers and education and stable residence. Many of them even make more money than I do, which I’m not going to lie, is super appealing right now. I’d love to meet someone who is financially in the black in a significant way, where their debt doesn’t bleed all of their money away each month. I’d be okay if I could find a sugar momma. >;)
Really, more than anything, I just want someone I can talk to on a regular basis. I want someone who wants to talk on the phone sometimes, or tell me goodnight when she/I go to bed, or ask how my day is going via text at lunch time. I’m going to miss that more than anything. My Gemini moon weeps at the thought of not having a companion to shoot the shit with. No one to tell me cool stories or to listen to my cool stories (cool story = totally random and pointless story), no one to share laughs with or to watch a show with. No one to go out to dinner with or order a pizza with. No one to make plans with or to spontaneously go do something with. No one to tell me if my outfit is ridiculous or to ask if their outfit is ridiculous. It’s when I think about these things that my heart breaks again over this divorce. I’m not only losing a lover and life-companion, I’m losing my closest and best friend who I did practically everything with. We rarely ever went to things alone or without the other one. It’s not like we were living separate lives, like some divorcing couples do.
I have amazing new friends, but even they will get sick of seeing me and talking to me. With her, I thought that would never really happen; I guess I was wrong.
So, that’s where I am. Things at home are about as tense as the borders between Russia and eastern Europe, but for now the war seems to be on hold. We aren’t really friendly with one another and it’s god awful to have to share space with each other, especially when we can’t just fall into old habits. The cohabitation of the main (and honestly only practical) bathroom has become a key point of frustration between both of us. I’m content to just go as we had for all these years for the next week and then be done, but she wants to pull away and suddenly isn’t okay being revealing around me.
She has disrobed and gotten in the shower while I’m shaving or putting on makeup every weekday for the last like 7 months, and I rarely, if ever, paid much attention. Now it’s suddenly a big deal, even though my interest in paying attention is absolutely zero. Even if she tried to have sex with me right now, I don’t think I’d let her. Not after what’s happened, not after she’s been with another person and hurt me as badly as she has.
I can understand why she might not feel comfortable being in the nude around me anymore, but it’s really making things harder. It also kind of hurts too, like of all things, she doesn’t trust ME anymore. She’s the one who had sex with someone else, not me. She’s the one wanting this divorce, not me, so why do I have to be punished because she’s suddenly feeling modest? I don’t know, I just don’t really get it. The sexual component of our relationship was more or less gone in recent months anyway, and I’ve seen her in the nude more times than I can count so it’s not like I’m going to suddenly see something I don’t already know or become interested in a way I wasn’t before (which was little to no interest).
I know every freckle, scar, birthmark, and mole on her entire body; I know her body better than anyone except, perhaps, herself. I know where she is ticklish and where she enjoys being touched. I know what she likes in bed and doesn’t. I know what her skin tastes like, where she likes to be kissed, and how her hair smells. I know how her lips feel when she kisses, the taste of her tongue, how her body moves when she makes love, and other things I’ll keep private for her sake.
I have never been more intimate with anyone in my life than I have been with her, so for her to suddenly pull back and insist on modesty for a week is really hard to process. I get that we are over, I get that she is leaving, I get that we will never have sex again (well, you never know, I guess) and that our love is gone, but taking away the routine we were both comfortable with for so long just for a week seems too disruptive for me. I don’t want an interim terrible routine followed by a completely new and more permanent one. I’d rather just maintain what was until she moves and then start over, like I’m having to in all other regards.
I doubt I’ll get my way with this though. It’s not like I can really insist on being able to be around her when she has no clothes on, not without becoming rapey (not that I’d ever do anything like that to her). So, I guess for the next week or so I have to have complete disruption in my morning routine until the agony of cohabitation can come to an end and I can start over.
Things just kind of suck. There is no other way to explain it than that. This all just sucks, and it’s going to keep sucking for a long time, I’m sure. I don’t know what plans my angels in heaven have for me, but I hope they will not leave me lonely and isolated for too long. I’m not sure I could bear it.