In my earlier post I included a link to an affair recovery website. It has an affair analyzer and I think it really explains everything I'm going through right now. Feel free to read:
We’re truly sorry you’re going through this. As you’ve discovered, infidelity creates a pain like no other. For many the pain is unbearable. For some just getting out of bed is a monumental task. Your challenge is how to move beyond the trauma of what’s happened and find new life.
Most women in your position are devastated by their mate’s betrayal. When relational bonds are broken it creates a primal panic that distorts our very identity. The pain isn’t just emotional--it’s physical. It leaves you feeling both incapacitated and confused as to the next steps. You may feel severely traumatized, isolated, and alone. It’s not uncommon for life to take on a surreal quality, causing you to question yourself. You’re the type of woman that wants to get her mind around what’s happened.
Before this happened, you may have loved your life. You may have believed you had a great marriage. But now you find yourself angry and bitter because your dreams are shattered. Not only did she destroy the good life you thought you had, but she may have also destroyed the very characteristics that caused you to feel good about your marriage in the first place. You may have difficulty finding any redeeming qualities in your mate. This disappointment can leave you feeling angry, bitter and trapped.
It’s possible that your current emotional state is linked to painful emotional wounds from childhood. This link can make your current circumstances even more confusing. If you’re having trouble functioning, please seek professional help to address the trauma you’ve experienced. Do what’s necessary to regain your emotional stability. At the same time, you need to allow your mate to take responsibility for her own recovery.
About what happened
Continuing a marriage after a one night stand requires commitment from both parties. Good intentions on the part of only the unfaithful spouse or only the hurt spouse are not enough when it comes to addressing this situation. If the couple decides to continue their marriage, they should both realize that although this was a one time event, the pain and trauma experienced by the hurt spouse can be as intense as it would have been if their mate had fallen in love with someone else. A one night stand may or may not indicate unhappiness in the marriage, but regardless of that aspect, the pain of the betrayal must now be addressed before any marital deficiencies can be dealt with. One night stands are also frequently the product of a lack of caution or boundaries in the face of an unexpected temptation. This in no way excuses your mate’s behavior nor does it undo the devastation that you likely now feel, but it can make a difference in the path to recovery and reconciliation.
The Path Ahead
As the hurt spouse, you will likely find yourself in need of guidance on how to respond and cope with this disruption of your life. Be careful not to compromise your own integrity or character as you work through this process. You are probably not only hurting from the betrayal but also shocked by what happened. You may also be wondering how you can ever trust your wife again. This betrayal may have left you feeling inadequate and foolish for even considering staying with her.
Since you want to save the relationship, you may find yourself trying to control your wife's decisions and manipulate her into staying, regardless of whether this will result in a healthy marriage. You may start denying your own needs for healing and safety in an attempt to save the marriage. Saving the marriage at all costs can be unwise if in the end the marriage is destructive. Be careful not to compromise your physical or emotional health. The emotional pain of infidelity does not just go away; denying it will only compound the problems the infidelity has created.
In your journey of recovery, you may receive contradictory counsel from different people. Some will tell you to leave the marriage, and others will advise you to stay and work on the marriage. However, few of these people have actually been in your situation, and they probably have no idea how they would really react if they were in similar circumstances. Try to listen to those who have successfully walked this difficult path.
Regardless of the marital outcome, you will need to confront, grieve, and release what has happened and then learn from this experience. Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted. Failure on your part to heal increases the probabilities of repeating the same pattern. Infidelity is an emotional blow that cannot be ignored; however, it is not an insurmountable hindrance to your future happiness. You should give yourself ample time and grace to complete your essential healing journey.
About your mate
With this type of situation it is best not to pursue the unfaithful spouse. Instead, you should let her know that you are more than capable of taking care of yourself. You can explain to her that her actions hurt you and ask her to do the right thing by taking personal responsibility. But some unfaithful spouses may not be prepared to even take that in. If you can calmly express this to your wife, you may also want to begin to address what you will need from her in order to heal. Even if you will not be together, your wife may be of some help to you in the healing process.
Your wife's unwillingness to help address the wounds created by her infidelity leaves you with few options in regards to your marriage. Thus, your best course of action is to focus on your own healing. Unless your wife is willing to take responsibility for her actions and the hurt these actions caused you, then she will not be able to participate in a healthy marriage. It would be a difficult, complicated, confusing, and frustrating life for you. Even if your wife reverses her decision and says she has decided to try to save your marriage, you will need to be careful in determining if she is truly willing to do what is necessary to restore your relationship.
You may need to be stronger than is comfortable or usual for you and create a list for yourself of your, at the very least, minimum requirements for you to stay in the marriage. If your wife is already gone, you may never get a chance to know, but at least you can feel good about making the right decision for yourself. If your wife is not willing to help at all then you must understand that you cannot trust her with your heart. If your wife is determined to leave or has already left, then you must move on and concentrate on your own healing and adjusting your life.
Next Steps for Recovery
Recovery requires a safe and supportive community. Processing what happened is one of the most effective ways of healing and understanding what's happened. Having others who can empathize and validate your experience helps the disorientation created by the attachment wound. If at all possible try to find a therapist or program specializing in the treatment of infidelity. Not all helping professionals are trained to address the issues of infidelity.