Thursday, November 5, 2015

11-5-2015 Entry: The Fallout of Infidelity and Grieving the Loss of Love

Hello, my darlings. I hope your lives are better than mine, because mine really sucks right now. Just as a warning, this entry is going be really angry before it gets better at the end, so it would be best to read your way all the way through.

I believe, however, that it’s really important to illustrate what getting divorced as a transwoman can look like, because it happens, a lot. There are so many trans women out there who come out after they are married to someone and end up in divorce. I want to illustrate the roller coaster ride of emotions that come after infidelity as well, and I think this entry really encapsulates how bipolar it can be. Infidelity is very common for trans* individuals who transition while in a relationship or marriage, so there are likely a lot of others who've gone through what I'm experiencing.

The person I trusted more than anyone in the world betrayed me in the worst possible way, and what’s worse is that she was continuing to do it day after day. She hadn't even moved out of our house yet, and she was still in regular contact with this guy she had an affair with.

I mean, Jesus, I guess I’m better off without someone as disrespectful as that in my life, right? I mean, the nerve! I’m in the same goddamn room and she is texting her fuck-buddy? She gets to saunter off into the sunset with her new life and her new fuck-toy while I’m supposed to just sit around picking up the broken pieces of the life she destroyed on a goddamn whim? I am so angry at her. I am just overcome with rage at the thought of her much of the time. I just want her gone. I want her out of my life and out of my mind. I don’t want to see the smug and happy look on her face as she envisions this bright future without me.

It’s not fair and it’s not right. I did everything I could to make her happy. I bent over backwards day after day after day trying to be the person she needed and this is how my love is returned? A knife in my back on the night I was supposed to be having a birthday party with all my new friends? Right now I should be more happy than I have ever been, and I was last Wednesday morning.

Everything was going so well. I was doing well in grad school, I was planning a birthday party where a bunch of my new and fucking awesome friends were going to come over. I felt accepted as a woman by my peers. I had a new house, a new car, a couple new fur-babies, and a new outlook on life. The best part was that I was married to the love of my life, my beautiful, amazing wife.

It’s not right and it’s not fucking okay that 8 days later a big part of me wishes she would die in a fiery car accident or something. It’s not right that I could actually see myself burning someone’s home to the ground out of revenge. This guy she cheated with better hope I never find out where he lives. She might have opened the door for him to come in and wreck everything, so the blame is mostly on her, but him, this piece of garbage, should have said no. You don’t fuck someone’s wife knowingly, not when they are still married and living together. You tell them no, and you tell them no again, and if they ask a third time you should suggest that they break it off with their spouse before you stick your dick in there.

I know now why so many people resort to murder after discovering an affair. I get it. I can fully empathize with them now. I have never actively wanted someone’s demise until now. I pray to god that I’m never put into the situation where I could act on these impulses because I don’t think I could stop myself. If I ever see him, I will likely be in jail the next day for murder.

I told my soon to be ex-wife last night that I hoped she'd never experience this, that no one would ever do what she'd done to me, but you know what, I take that back. I cannot wait until the day she is wrecked and ruined and angry and broken-hearted because the person she trusted with her ENTIRE LIFE  betrays her . What goes around comes around, and you sweetie, are in for one hell of a karmic kick in the ass.

I know my readers are likely like “Jesus, Emma, calm down.”

But I can’t. I just can’t calm down about this. Not until she is gone, and I don’t have to see her face anymore. I hope to god she can move out in 10 days like she is thinking she might. Once she is gone, I can move on with this amazing new life I’ve started without her. I will find happiness and meaning in this world and she will have no say or part in it, anymore. I will find someone who deserves me, who loves me for who I am, and who would never betray me like she did. She doesn’t deserve me, and really, honestly, never did. She always thought I was the one who got lucky by having her, but that’s not true. Her actions have proven that. She is the one who was lucky to have me, and she fucked that up beyond repair.

She is just such a coward. If she told me last week she didn’t want to be married because she couldn’t be with a woman for the rest of her life, it would have made sense. It would have been a logical conclusion to our marriage. It would have sucked and I would be heartbroken still, but I wouldn’t hate her. How could I hate her under those circumstances? I changed genders. I’m not the person she married, pretty much at all, so how could I deny her desire to get out?

But that’s not what she did. No, she took the cowardly way out and cheated on me, without even so much as an attempt to hide the fact that she did it. Instead of peacefully and amicably figuring out a way to end our relationship, she mounted a douchebag wrecking ball and smashed her way right through the life we built, destroying everything without a goddamn care in the world. She even had the nerve to tell me she didn’t regret her decision. Can you believe that? She didn’t regret all the pain and suffering she caused me or all the fallout that’s been created because of her actions. She will though, one day. Again, what goes around comes around.

I wrote on Tuesday that I didn’t have the capacity to hate her, but once again, I’m discovering something new about myself, because I do. I do hate her. I keep trying to reframe this so I can maintain the friendship we built over the years but all the reframing in the world cannot change the fact that there is a dagger with his name stuck in my back.

Even once that dagger is pulled out and I don’t have to see her anymore, there will be a scar for life. Thanks to her, I don’t know that I will ever be able to trust someone as completely as I trusted her. I know that may change but right now, I just can’t see that happening.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to be her friend, and that’s horribly sad because we were best friends, especially in recent months. If she had said that we were good friends and that’s all she could be with me, I could have accepted that reasoning and found a way to set my love aside for the sake of my best friend (I’ve done it before). But how do you stay friends with someone who has betrayed you so deeply? Friendship, like love, is about trust, and I don’t trust her. I can’t and I won’t. I will not put myself in that situation again. I refuse to risk being hurt more by her.

She wants me to be amicable and she wants this divorce to be quick and easy. I do too but our reasons are very different, and both speak to the nature of our characters. She wants it quick and easy so she doesn’t have to continue to live with the consequences of her fucked up decisions. She can’t stand to see the mess she’s made and so she just wants to run away as fast as possible and pretend like it didn’t happen. She always does this. She makes a mess and then hopes someone else will clean it up for her. She did it with her student loans, with her credit cards, and now with her marriage. She is incapable of truly facing the consequences of her decisions, and as a result probably won’t learn from them.

I want it to be quick so I can figure out a way to heal, so I can find a way to open my heart again to someone someday. I want it over so I don’t have to have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I come home. I want it over so I can learn more about myself and grow from the mistakes I made along the way. The marital problems were 50/50, and I will try to reflect on them and learn. Unlike her, I will rebuild on a more sure foundation by learning from my mistakes because I’m not afraid to face the cold truth, I’m not afraid to face the consequences of my actions. The way out, is always through.

I hate her, but it’s important to note that hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. I still love her, and likely always will. I still want her to be happy (eventually; right now I could care less). We had a great 7 years together. Sure there were difficulties and challenges and growth opportunities galore, but we had a mostly happy marriage.

I sat yesterday reflecting on those 7 years. Remembering how I knew she was the right person for me the moment I laid eyes on a particular picture on facebook. We’d been long-distance friends and affectionate for years, but when I came out of a dark period of heartbreak and reached out to her, I knew she was the one I’d marry (she did too). I loved her right away (she loved me right away too). We started talking on the phone, pretty much every day and it was amazing. She was so fun and made me so happy. She flew out to see me and we had an amazing few days together. The sex was great and the time together was great, and everything about it made so much sense. I knew then that I was going to ask her to marry me.

After she went home I missed her so much. I could hardly stand the two and a half months before I could fly out to see her. Even though we did break up for a few days after she was completely awful about a present I bought her (she was devastated about the breakup, almost as much as I was last week when she said she might want to see other people), I still went out to see her. Again the sex was amazing, and the time together was just filled with so much happiness and love. It confirmed in my mind that we were destined to be together.

The flight back to Colorado was dreadful. I wanted to stay in MN with her. I wanted to live with her, love her, and marry her. She was everything I wanted in a lover. I decided then that I’d move to MN after graduating college and we’d be together, probably forever. We saw one another a few more times before I moved and the rest is history. We lived together, we learned slowly but surely how to get along with one another. We fought and bickered, sure, but we always made up right away. We could never stay mad at one another.

 She suffered through 3 years of grad school while I tried to find my place in the world and eventually went back to school myself. I asked her to marry me while she sat on the edge of a fountain in a beautiful garden at the Biltmore house in North Carolina, and she said yes. We got married, and it was the happiest day of my life. I had a wife! One I loved more than anything!

Later we adopted a dog together. We moved again to a better place and lived there for a few years. The romance started to fade as my dysphoria got worse and worse. We gained a lot of weight, we argued more, we had sex less, and we went through all the typical things a couple goes through in their 5th year together. I was tempted by infidelity and even sought it out at one point, but I could never do it. I could never hurt her like that. Even when we didn’t get along and she wasn’t interested in sex, I still couldn’t do that to her because it would be awful to do so.

Then I had my dream, this all started, and now here we are. In between those sentences there was a lot of love and happiness; a lot of adventures and new experiences. We learned so much about one another and ourselves. Ultimately, I believe, we found a way to become true best friends, even if the hot and heavy romance was gone. And that was enough for me. I have a Gemini moon, so what I really need out of life is a twin. A best friend for life satisfied my greatest need, so it was enough for me. Clearly, however, it was not enough for her.

And so now I am left here, in this dreadful place standing on the bridge between grieving the love we had, hating her for the pain she has caused me, and moving on to the truly new life ahead of me. This bridge is littered with obstacles and some of them have been so hard that they have knocked the very wind out of my soul, but I can see the other shore ahead of me. I can see that once I can get past this, once I can make my way through the pain, sadness, hatred, anger, regret, and fear that I’m feeling right now, I will find happiness. I will continue to make my place in this world and I will find love again.

This time it will be with someone who actually deserves all the things I have to offer. Someone who wants to be with a woman/transwoman and who won’t break my heart and stab me in the back with infidelity. She will be beautiful, and smart, and caring, and funny, and affectionate, and compassionate, and she will love me as much as I love her. She will also want a friend for life and we will make a life together that doesn’t breakdown after 7 years, that doesn’t get thrown into the fires of infidelity and perish in the flames. I will not make the same mistakes I made before and I won’t settle for less than I deserve as I so frequently have in the past.

I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be cared about. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be with someone who loves me for who I am and who is willing to help mend my broken and bruised heart. I am intelligent, and funny, and loving, and kind, and compassionate, and beautiful. Whoever I let into my heart next will be truly lucky to have me in their life. I am Emma, transwoman extraordinaire, and I’m okay with not being okay right now. I am stronger than my hatred and my despair. I am stronger than the pain she has and continues to cause me. I will be okay. No, more than just okay, I will be happy. I will find happiness again, because everything else in life is going the right way. This betrayal will not destroy me, I refuse to let it, I won’t give her the satisfaction of thinking she was irreplaceable. If I can survive this, I believe that I can survive anything.

This isn’t over yet, but the sun is peeking through the dark clouds that have taken over the sky of my life. I feel the warmth of its beams penetrating the villainous vapor that surrounds me. I can finally see my next couple steps across this bridge I am standing on, and I can see my final destination in the distance. I hope you will all come along with me, and I hope that anyone out there reading this is learning that it is never okay to sleep with a married person or to cheat on your partner. It ruins lives, creates hurts so deep that they never fully heal, and brings only despair. It might be fun and naughty and exciting, but it’s those things because you are playing with fire. More than just fire, you are playing with matches in a powder-keg storage depot and one misstep will make everything will blow up in your face.

Don’t cheat. Don’t do it. If you want to cheat then talk to your partner/spouse about those feelings. Tell them you want to cheat and have a grown up fucking conversation about the future of your relationship. They may be sad that you want to leave but that sadness is nothing compared to the pain they will feel after your betrayal. Don’t make false promises to stick around for 6 months and then go fuck someone 24 hours later, either. If you are thinking you are going to do that 24 hours after you make such a promise then you need to go home and tell your spouse/partner things are over and wait to fuck that person at a later time. There is a right order to things, and my ex-wife has shown me why that order exists. I hope she has also shown all of you why it’s never okay to cheat.

Anyways, I will write again soon, so stay tuned. I’m positive the melodrama (and the excitement, but more on that later) is far from over. I still have no less than 10 days to live with her before I can finally be alone and start over.


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