Monday, November 23, 2015

11-23-2015 Entry: Am I coming, or Am I Going?


Good morning my lovely readers. I hope this Monday morning is a little less blue for you than it is for me. I think I have to sadly report that my understanding of the mutual attraction between Butterflies (a person I’ve mentioned a few times) and I was possibly a mistake. I think that there is a degree of attraction there but it seems as though I was more interested in the interaction than they were. After spending the evening with my friends, which includes Butterflies, it became somewhat obvious that the flirtation was really only going one direction most of the time. Yes, there was a scrap coming here or there but it is quite possible I was reading into things that I shouldn’t have been.

I left the pseudo-party feeling really… disappointed, honestly. I had considered not even going out because of the difficult time I’d had the night before at the gay bar but I decided that because I’d have greater opportunity to interact with Butterflies that it was worth taking another shot at it. In many ways I wish I’d just stayed home. I think lying on the couch and snoozing to the Vikings losing to my Packers would have been a preferable experience. I certainly would have spent less money and used less gas driving all over town.

I am left, yet again, feeling hopelessly lonely. My best friend is gone. The person I did everything with, who meant the entire world to me and was really the only person I ever wanted to hang out with on a regular basis isn’t really part of my life anymore, and she doesn’t really want to be. I miss her. I know I said I would try to talk about her less but the sadness is too great to keep bottled up. I miss my wife. There are no two ways about it.

It doesn’t matter how many other people come into my life that are interesting or flirtatious, at the end of every day I miss her. At the end of every day, no matter how good or bad it has been, I want her and only her. I’d give all of this new life and these new experiences back if it meant that she would come back, and the part that kills me is that she won’t come back. She never will. Either because she doesn’t love me anymore or because she is too proud to admit that she made a mistake.

I think that maybe I was trying too hard to move forward when what I really need is to just be alone and sad for a while. I know that sounds disheartening but I don’t think I’m ready for anything besides that. My interactions with Butterflies have only shown me how raw everything still is and how much even the slightest perceived rejection can hurt and can send me flying into depression.

I think that I’ve decided I’m going to stop trying to be social. I’m going to stop going out to the bar unless I’m specifically invited and I’m going to stop actively trying to meet new people. I’ve already decided that I’m going to stop trying to capture the interest of Butterflies and I may very well stop surfing around OKCupid as often as I have been. I won’t stop that completely because I paid for a membership and that would be a huge waste of money, but I think I’m just going to let people come to me. That likely means I’ll be lonely for some time, but perhaps that is for the best.

I think that I’ll just go to work, go to class, and just go straight to bed when I get home. I don’t want to be out and about anymore. I don’t want to get dolled up for the bar and end up sitting on a barstool by myself, not talking to anyone, feeling sad because everyone else is having fun when I’m not. I don’t want to go to pseudo-parties with the hopes of getting quality time with my pseudo-crush only to end up leaving feeling disappointed and somewhat rejected.

If everything I try to do results in me just feeling sad and alone, then why not just embrace the sadness and loneliness for a while? Why keep trying to force something to happen when clearly I’m meant to be alone right now.

There is only one person I want to be with right now and they don’t want to be with me anymore, so I guess I’ll just be alone. I know how defeatist that sounds, and I know that these are just my defense mechanisms telling me to shut down in order to avoid further pain, but I’m inclined to listen to them. They are there for a reason, and right now they are pretty persuasive. Rather than risk being hurt further when we still need to do so much healing, it sounds better to take no risk at all until the wounds mend a bit, so that’s what I’m thinking I’ll do.

This is all such a roller coaster ride, so god only knows how I’ll feel in a couple hours but for now I’m content just being sad and alone.

I do suppose, however, that if I’m giving up my aspirations of cultivating some sort of non-committal relationship with Butterflies that I might as well reveal the big mystery. Hopefully you recall that I said this person came from the most unexpected of places, and I’m guessing that it hasn’t been lost on everyone that I have been using they/them when I refer to them (see did it again). The reason I’ve been so reluctant to reveal too much information about this person is because I wasn’t entirely sure I could trust my feelings about them.

You see, I have a type that I’m attracted to. I have a certain idea of the kind of person I want to be with either physically or emotionally. That type has changed somewhat since I start HRT but for the most part it’s rather consistent. I like femme women. Sure, I’ve started to notice myself being attracted to women who were a bit more masculine or androgynous in their appearance, but for the most part I preferred femme women (If I had to pick a lesbian category that I fit into, it would be a lipstick lesbian).

Butterflies, however, isn’t femme at all. In fact, Butterflies is a trans man. Yep, that’s right, Emma lesbian transwoman extraordinaire found herself suddenly and surprisingly attracted to a trans man. Can you imagine my surprise when this happened? It was so unexpected, so unanticipated, and so, so confusing.

WTF? I like a trans man? But I’m not attracted to men at all…..……………. There just were no words. It was like I’d been thrown off a horse and the whole world went topsy-turvy.

Was this real? Was I dreaming? Sure, I was at the end of my second rum and coke, but surely these feelings weren’t just the alcohol talking. I was legitimately getting butterflies over a trans man? I went home that night in a fog of confusion and excitement. I took a shower and kept wondering if I was suffering from a temporary bought of insanity or if it was time to re-examine my self-concepts about my sexuality.

I have always been attracted to women. I have always believed that I was a lesbian, even when I was still living as a man. I have always envisioned myself with a typical female. Being attracted to a trans man was never something I thought I’d be okay with or even excited about. I did not envision this. Two weeks ago my therapist (She’s queer and is married to a trans man) asked me if I’d ever consider dating a trans man and at the time I was fairly confident with my “probably not” answer. Now I don’t know what the fuck the answer is.

So, in the midst of me writing this “I’m just going to be alone and sad because Butterflies isn’t as interested in me as I thought and maybe that’s for the best” entry it would figure that I’d start a text conversation with Butterflies. One that is not only super flirty, but kind of sexual in nature.

Jesus, my friends, my life is a hot mess. Am I coming or am I going? I cannot tell. Just when I think I hit solid ground and I can stand surefooted for a moment, it falls out from under me again.

Am I resolute in being alone or do I want to try to see this person? Am I a lesbian, or do I need to start thinking of myself as queer instead? Am I attracted to trans men or is it just this on in particular? WTF?

My friends, I’m just not certain about anything anymore. I thought I had life all figured out and under my control and now I don’t know WTF is happening. I thought my gender issues were difficult to figure out, now I get to start questioning my sexuality too? /SIGH

I guess only time will tell where I end up with all of this craziness. I guess you should stay tuned if you are as curious to know where this goes as I am. I honestly cannot predict what tomorrow will bring. I just have to ride the waves of this rushing river called my life and see where it takes me.

-Emma

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