Friday, November 20, 2015

11-20-2015 Entry: Emma’s Hot Mess of a Life, Episode 1

Hello my darling readers! I hope you are well. I hope you are all finding happiness and love, and maybe even some good sex these days! Unless you are a minor, then maybe the sex part should wait a bit, it does truly complicate things children /wags finger.

Anyways, obligatory wait-to-have-sex disclaimers aside, things have been going pretty well for me, all things considered. As I wrote yesterday there is a new “romantic” interest that’s popped into my life very unexpectedly and from the most unlikely of places. I’m still not going to share too many details at this point because, again, I don’t kiss and tell. Well at least not until there has been enough kissing that it’s no longer any huge secret that it’s happening.

My suspicions yesterday that this person was interested in me that way were definitely confirmed last night, and all I’m going to admit to for now is that quite a bit of flirting ensued. It was nice, really, to have someone actually want to give me attention. To actually have someone interested in me and getting to know me. I guess the drawback to marriage is that eventually you may get bored with “getting to know” your significant other. I definitely was still interested in learning how my ex was growing and having new experiences and becoming a more rounded adult as she progressed in her career and hobbies, but alas, my interest in that has started to fade out of necessity. I’m sure it’s pretty mutual, if not more so on her end than mine.

Regardless, this new person is sweet and kind and funny and fun to be around. They make me smile and in a way I never would have imagined. It’s hard to explain but with the ex, I was never really adored as a woman. Sure, she appreciated my increase in personal upkeep and presentation, and even told me I looked pretty a handful of times, but she was never really in to it the way this person is. This person sees me as a woman and is attracted to that. Instead of just tolerating it and complimenting it sometimes, they are actively engaged and compliment it quite a bit.

I don’t remember the last time my ex actually showed that she found me sexy. It might have been a few years, honestly. By the end sex had become more a marital obligation than something that happened organically, especially after I went on HRT. There were no more knowing looks from across the room or the unspoken body-language agreement that we were going to get down and dirty at the first opportunity. There just wasn’t really that chemistry or connection anymore. Not because I didn’t want there to be, I absolutely did, but it takes two to tango, and she either forgot or purposely left her dancing shoes at home.

Now, however, I have that again. There is that flirtatious, body-language connection. There is that, Joey Tribbiani “how you doin?” aspect to the dynamic.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not love this person. I am not interested in loving this person or entering some sort of committed relationship with them, and from what we’ve discussed they aren’t into that right now either. All this is/going to be is a non-committal flirtatious and physical relationship. Perhaps some of you are out there judging me, but if I’m ever going to succeed in this world as Emma, I have to experience sex as Emma. I have to understand how sex in the Trans* world works and functions. I have plenty of practice in the hetero-cis realm, but that doesn’t really apply to me anymore. Not only am I not a man anymore, but I’m not very comfortable assuming the male role in a sexual encounter (if you accept that such a thing even exists).

Besides, if the ex is out there getting some action, why shouldn’t I be getting some too? I’m the one who was cheated on and left behind, if anyone deserves a non-committal fuck-buddy it’s me. Back when I was actively considering having an affair I wanted an NSA FWB (no strings attached, friends with benefits) situation. I wasn’t looking for someone to fall in love with; I just wanted that mind-blowing sex that I’d been missing at home. Now, I can have that without the guilt of hurting someone I'm committed to.

I was so afraid when the ex left that I’d never find someone who was attracted to a transwoman, let alone someone who was attracted to me and me to them in return (trust me, there have been plenty of people interested that I was NOT uninterested in). I was terrified that I’d be alone for many years, if not forever, because I thought no one would come anywhere near a girl who had boy parts, even one as passable and attractive/charming as I am. I knew I’d always been a lady-killer in my younger years, but those were with straight women. How would I ever manage that same level of suave in the trans* lesbian/queer/bisexual world?

I suppose I cannot claim total victory yet, but I’m off to a promising start. I’m heading in a direction of entirely new and exciting sexual experiences, and they are going to look nothing like the ones I’ve had before. While I hold no illusions that this new romp into the realm of trans* sexuality will cure my broken heart or erase the scars left by my ex, it will, at the very least, help reinforce my somewhat damaged confidence. It has already started to. I might be a hot mess on the inside, but I’m a sexy devil on the outside, and for now, that will have to be good enough.

I know, you probably hate me a little right now with all this teasing and vague-blogging, but I really don’t want to risk jeopardizing what’s happening so early in the process. Trust me, my darlings, you will know most if not all of what’s happening in time. You’ll just have to be patient. I expect the next few weeks will have quite a few new developments in them, so stay tuned.

Well, that’s all I have for today’s episode of Emma’s Hot Mess of a Life, tune in next time to find out if this mystery “romance” gets any hotter. >;)


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