Thursday, November 19, 2015

11-19-2015 Entry: Well, That Was Unexpected...

Good morning my darlings! I hope you you’ve been well. I have certainly been all over the place over the last few weeks but this morning I feel a definite shift.

I am going to torture you some and keep what I’m about to discuss very vague and in the abstract because I’m not sure I’m ready to fully divulge what happened last night when I went out to the bar with my friends. Believe me, it will be as hard for me to keep this abstract as it likely will be for you to read. Just bear in mind that nothing I’m about to discuss is negative or bad. I’m not positive it is good either, but for now I’m content being in the middle between good and bad.

After my ex made the decisions that she made over the last 3 weeks I have to tell you that I honestly felt like I was worthless. The person I loved and cared for more than any other, the person I had devoted my life to and had done everything in my power to make happy had cast me aside like I meant nothing. Her continued cutting me out of her life and past only furthered this feeling of worthlessness.

I have never really been very good at feeling worthy and have certainly struggled over the years to believe that I was worthy of love. There were some serious issues in my childhood (abandonment, sexual abuse, etc.) that made it very difficult for me to accept love from others or at the very least to not doubt their love entirely. My ex was the first person I managed to overcome that hurdle with. I found that I did trust her love and that I did deserve her love. That was an enormous thing for me, one that I doubt she ever fully grasped.

When she cast me aside like I meant nothing to her, that shaky foundation upon which I built the infant belief that I was worthy of love and that I deserved to be loved was left in a smoldering heap on the ground. I was certain that I had just been mistaken, that perhaps I had been right all along that I wasn’t worthy of love; that I didn’t deserve to be loved. Who could ever love a wretch like me?

So, imagine my surprise when after only a few weeks I have found someone who has begun the restoration of that destroyed foundation. Imagine how truly unexpected it was to find someone like that when I was so down and broken, and for them to come from the most unlikely of places.

This person is kind and caring. They are sweet and they treat me like a lady or a princess of some kind. They do things for me and try to take care of me when I’ve had too much to drink or I’m feeling overly shy. They compliment me and they flirt with me. They make me feel cared for and cared about. They seem to really genuinely care for me and their affection has been a soothing balm on this scalded heart of mine.

I’ve only known them for a short while, but in that time I have felt myself growing more and more fond of them with each new interaction. At first I thought it was just a blossoming friendship as this person wasn’t exactly my type, but something shifted last night. I don’t know if it was just the rum or the fact that I was incredibly vulnerable after several days of my ex systematically removing me from her life/past, but I started to feel something more than just friendship for this person. They saw me as Emma and I’m 99% sure they are attracted to me as Emma (they’ve certainly flirted enough with me to give me that impression). It’s so weird to be seen as a woman and to be found attractive as a woman.

I still can’t quite put my finger on the exact emotion this person has elicited from me, but it took me by surprise, to say the least. There was a warmth there… and tiny little spark of affection. I started to wonder if I could actually see myself with them. They are so unlike anyone I’ve ever been attracted to, yet I found myself wanting more from them. I envisioned kissing them and being with them. I left the bar and drove home with them on my mind. I thought about them while I was in the shower and then again when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I awoke this morning with them on my mind, and obviously I’m still thinking about them. For the first time in three weeks, I had someone else consistently on my mind besides my ex.

I don’t know if it’s just because of how sweet they have been to me, or if it’s because I may actually like them that way but I am left with more questions right now than answers. I really don’t know what to do. I did not expect this and I don’t know if I want to do anything about it. I want to be better than my ex and not become involved with someone immediately after our divorce. I don’t want to try to fill a gaping hole in my heart with someone else’s affection when really what I need to do is heal that hole myself.

All I can do is take things one day at a time. Maybe this feeling will subside. Maybe it will intensify as I continue to see them on a regular basis. Either way, I cannot predict what’s ahead of me and I’m not going to try. For now, I will be content knowing that despite the damage my ex has caused me, I am still worthy of love. I do deserve to be treated with kindness and affection, and to be found attractive and sexy. I’m a fucking catch and she was a damn fool to have given me up. If she can’t see that, others will, and some already have.


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