Wednesday, November 18, 2015

11-18-2015 Entry: Moving Right Along...

Hello my darling readers. I hope you are doing well. I’m overcoming a touch of food poisoning, as if my life wasn’t tragic enough or I wasn’t lacking enough in the caloric intake department. I have lost quite a bit of weight already because of the past few weeks, which is probably the only really positive aspect of this divorce. I definitely enjoy my slimmer figure and I’m hoping I can continue this trend for a bit longer. I’ve been losing weight for about 2 years and now I’m closing in on 100 pounds lost thanks to the recent nosedive in appetite and some half-wit cook at Noodles & Co. putting beef in my order when I specifically asked for them not to (I might be a bit bitter).

I have decided, however, that for my own mental health I am going to try to reduce the amount of time I spend on here talking about my ex or her affair. It is ever on my mind and I am still struggling with the grief of the life I’ve lost because of her callous choices, but I no longer wish to publicly exorcise all the thoughts that torment me on a daily basis. She is off living her new life, dating this new guy, scrubbing her history of our time together, and being someone I do not really know or understand.  I think it no coincidence that very shortly after she revamps her public persona on Facebook by removing just about any hints of our life together, she suddenly becomes friends with the co-worker she’s been sleeping with. I’m guessing she didn’t want her history of being married to a transwoman to turn him off.

Regardless, I am finished lamenting publicly about her, or the pain she has caused me. I have turned to more private methods of exorcising my anger and sadness. For me, it means that I will process my feelings alone and with my therapist. For her it means that she will no longer be allowed to see inside my heart or thoughts. For the rest of you, it means fewer depressing as fuck blog entries and more interesting entries about dating and sex!

Yep, that’s right, Emma is out on the market! Lesbians better watch out!

Okay, maybe not quite so much. Dating is something I am so out of practice with that I hardly know where to begin, let alone how to navigate it as openly trans*. Also, before you get too up in a tizzy, i am not looking for anything too serious or long term. I really just want to have some fun and to remember how good I am at seduction (I used to be a pro).

Now is the age of internet dating, though, so I have begun to dabble a bit in that realm (more on this later). I have one particularly promising lead, but only time will tell if it goes anywhere. She is something, my darlings. I will not divulge too much information about her as that would likely be catastrophic, but let’s just say that she is gorgeous, sexy, mysterious, and kind. She has kind eyes that are easily turned provocative when she wants them to. She can be cute or she can be downright alluring depending on her mood. She has tattoos and piercings that are really quite a turn on, if I’m honest.

I guess Emma finds herself almost wanting that alluring yet, kind of dangerous thing. I spent 7 years married to someone who, despite how much I cared for her, was kind of boring and rather ordinary. I guess back then I just wanted to find someone I could settle down with and have some kids with some day. I wanted someone relatively stable, not too crazy or dramatic, and who was going places like an adult. I wanted predictable, and boy did I get predictable. Our marriage was nothing if not predictable and the sex was no exception.

If I’m honest, and I don’t see why I shouldn’t be given the circumstances, my ex was probably the second to worst I had ever been with. Sure, the first couple times when we were doing the long distance thing were pretty hot, but after I moved, it was just plain boring. She lacked imagination and that was compounded by a lack of motivation to be creative in the bedroom. As I’ve established previously, when I was in my early 20’s living as a man, I was a heartbreaker. I had quite a few sexual partners, and I won’t lie, I had some crazy and exciting sex… and a lot of it. I had a knack for attracting the girls who were totally crazy in bed. Usually they were crazy in the head too, but that’s another story.

When I decided I wanted to find the love of my life, however, I settled with someone who wasn’t crazy in bed. Sure, she was hot and we had fun most of the time, but the crazy, screaming, doing it in the public bathroom kind of sport fucking wasn’t what I wanted anymore, so I was okay with the rather boring sex life. It was predictable and it was pretty easy. Crazy in bed is rarely predictable and is almost always harder in the long run than you’d think.

I guess eventually I sort of gave up on the idea that she and I could have as good of sex as I’d had with several people before her, and so I likely stopped trying. She was also awful about not being in the mood and was constantly rejecting my attempts to turn her on. She just wasn’t really into it, and I don’t know why. I never could figure it out. The people I’d been with before could be completely aroused by me with a simple look, yet she was always so… unapproachable.

Regardless, I have decided that I want that exciting and crazy sex again. I’m done with boring and conventional; it turned out pretty awful in the end anyways, so why not have some more fun along the way if it’s doomed to fail no matter what? This new person offers me that excitement and passion that was missing from my marriage. She is everything I want right now. She is dangerous and intense and sexy and mysterious all at the same time. She is nothing at all like my ex, and that is truly appealing.

Anyways, I’ve likely said too much already so I’ll cut it off for now. Maybe later I can divulge more but for now I don’t want to kiss and tell.

I will say, however, that I met this person on what I’ve found is a great place for Queer, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and trans* people to meet others for friendship and more. I’m sure many of you have heard of the site OKCupid. It’s been really interesting and I have talked with several women. There are really so many more lesbian/queer/bisexual women out there than I expected, and so many of them are both interesting and attractive. Some of them, including this one, are so attractive and interesting that it’s difficult to believe they’d even need a dating website, but I guess I’m on there so I can’t say much because I’m totally interesting and attractive! =p:::

I have also tried match.com, but I’ve had a lot less luck with that one. I’m not sure why but I think that most of the women on there are strictly lesbians who want ciswomen. I actually kind of regret signing up for that one because it’s been such an enormous bust so far. If only I had found Autostraddle.com sooner and could have seen that OKCupid was the way to go, I might have saved myself some time and some money. I guess we will see (just watch, the person I end up with will totally be from match.com because the gods have a cruel sense of humor… /shakes fist at ceiling)
Online dating aside, it has been very interesting to go out to the gay bars, and when I was out on Sunday, I totally got hit on by this woman. Sadly she was nowhere near my type, despite being relatively attractive. I definitely have had some interesting encounters with other women and I suspect I will have many stories to tell in future entries. I’m about to get ready to go out tonight, so perhaps I’ll have something juicy in the morning to tell you.

Well, that’s all I have for now. I hope to spruce things up a bit around here so it’s not such a monumental drag to come to trans-advent anymore. I’m certainly still a hot mess, but I’ll try to keep the mess contained a bit more for both of our sakes.

-Emma

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