Monday, November 16, 2015

11-16-2015 Entry: The Other Side of Karma and the Beginning of a New Chapter


Hello my darlings. I hope life is treating you well. I hope you are finding happiness and love at every corner. I hope that if you are struggling with difficult times or situations that relief will come your way and you will have the strength to endure the hardship. I honestly believe that all of us are some much stronger and more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

I can honestly tell you that I didn’t think I’d survive this situation I find myself in. Although I am not fully out of it, I think the worst part is over, although, hell if I can predict the future. Clearly if I could have I would have made some changes in recent months that I believe might have stayed this divorce or at least allowed it to play out in a way that wasn’t completely gut-wrenching, trust-breaking, and so, so painful.

I would have stopped playing WoW when she told me that she felt lonely or that I wasn’t really there with her. I would have gone to pick her up a couple weeks before this incident when she asked me to instead of insisting that I stay home (to play WoW). I would have insisted that we have the birthday party so she didn’t stay at the happy hour long enough to decide to make such an enormous mistake. I could have done so many things differently in the past couple months, but I didn’t.

I took her for granted. I assumed she was there with me until the end because I knew I was there until the end, and so I let things slip. I stopped spending time with her, stopped taking care of her the way she wanted/needed, and I stopped trying work on our sex life. There had been a brief moment where she’d felt excited and eager, and I let it slip through my fingers. I got too wrapped up in my own issues to recognize that there was a spark that could have turned into something transformational. Instead, I didn’t go there with her. I didn’t have the capacity to go there with her, and so that spark fizzled out, forever.

I think the part of her infidelity that hurts me the most is that the experience she likely had, with the chemical rush of attraction, the excitement, the drunken tossing of inhibition and the passionate connection were all the things I had wanted with her for so long. In many ways her infidelity felt like the experience we were supposed to have together with that passionate, exciting, fun, and sexy encounter was stolen from me. I don’t know how to really explain that except to say that that experience with her, was supposed to be mine. She and I were the ones who were supposed to have that overcome-with-passion sex. We’d had it before many times, and it was the thing we needed again to transform our sex life, but instead of it happening with me, it happened with him…

I know that she was not my property or anything gross and patriarchal like that, but we made vows to one another. We opted to be committed to one another and no one else for the rest of our lives, so the fact that she went out and broke that commitment with someone else (who she didn’t even really know) felt like a dagger to the heart. It felt like all those years of love and devotion, as imperfect as they were, were thrown away on a whim like some useless piece of garbage. I felt thrown away. I felt useless. I felt unimportant and uncared for. I felt betrayed and hurt and angry and so, so sad.

I kept going over it in my head, trying to figure out when this started. I wanted to connect the dots so I could see where I went wrong, what I did wrong or didn’t do that I should have. I kept digging and digging for the source of this betrayal, trying to understand how I could have prevented it. And then the most disheartening thought came to me: maybe it was doomed all along and nothing I could have done would have stopped this from happening.

Despite that thought and its emotional ramifications, I still believe I could have done so much more than I did. I now have to live with those mistakes, with those short comings, and with those missed opportunities. I now have to know that I took the person I loved more than anyone in the world for granted.

All I can do now is try to learn from my mistakes and failures. The infidelity, itself, is her mistake and failure, so she will have to deal with mentally unpacking that failure and her disappointment in herself. She will have to deal with the karmic ramifications of betraying someone who was so devoted to her rather than just ending things like an adult. She made her choice and now she will have to live with the consequences.

I truly wish her luck in that regard. I have seen the other side of karma with this infidelity and divorce, and it sucks. It’s a learning opportunity, for sure, but it sucks and hurts and rocks your entire world. In the Wiccan/witchcraft world there is a principle known as the rule of three. Basically it says that whatever you put out there, will be returned to you three times over, and that rule is absolutely correct.

I put some really bad things out there when I was younger. I was this coworker of hers who willingly took a married woman to bed, knowing that she was deliberately cheating on her husband. I didn’t care and didn’t respect the sanctity of their marriage. A decent person would have told her no, but I was too interested in sex to tell her no. As a result of our affair, her marriage ended and her life was left in pieces. The worst part, I didn’t stick around to help her fix what she’d broken. I ended the relationship because I couldn’t handle the complications.

I also cheated on a girl I loved quite a bit, although at the time I would have asserted that it wasn’t cheating because we hadn’t said we were exclusive (yeah, I was kind of a heartbreaker/player back in the day… oops ). She gave me her virginity when I was already sexually involved with another woman in a friends with benefits relationship and a week later I had sex with that other woman again. I never told this girl I loved what really happened. I lied and said we’d only kissed. I can only imagine how heartbroken she would have been had she known the truth, even if that FWB sex I had showed me the difference between just sex and making love.

The point is, while this decision to cheat was my wife’s decision and hers alone, I believe it was also my karma coming back to me three times over. I helped wreck a long-standing marriage and I was a lying cheater myself, and now I have experienced all of those things from the other side in such a devastating way. I have been lied to, cheated on, and I have had my (seemingly happy) marriage wrecked by my wife and some random guy. I have been left by that same cheating woman (who still loves me, which is a killer) and have only a silent house to soothe my broken heart and emotional wounds.

I have learned my lesson. I will never cheat or help cheat again. I will never do this to someone again. I got my threefold karma back and I am not about to go asking for it again. I truly pity my wife, because when this comes back to her, it is going to be terrible. I wish I could spare her from it, but I know that there is nothing I can do to stop it. The gods will have their pound of flesh, one way or another. Saturn is the planet of karma, and when it returns to its natal position, it brings karmic lessons with it. This is my Saturn return. Her Saturn return is in approximately one year, and honey, I don’t think she’s prepared for it. I sure as the hell wasn’t prepared for this shit. Most people aren’t prepared for it, that’s why it is such a huge deal in the astrology world.

So, what to do? Here I am in this new life that’s been thrust upon me. The divorce paperwork was filed with the courts this morning. She has moved out, likely to never return. I am alone. I am single and I am at a crossroads. My path ahead is of my own choosing, so what will I do with that choice? Which direction will I go?

I hold no obligations to anyone anymore. My life has become unbelievably simple, seemingly overnight. I can leave when I want, do what I want, interact with whomever I want, buy whatever I want, and return whenever I want. I find myself with previously unexperienced freedom. Sure, I lived alone and was single in the past, but I was also really broke too. Now I’m not broke. Now I make enough money to have a pretty good life alone. Without her financial burdens to take care of, I will be pretty well off, all things considered.

This truly could be a new beginning for me, in so many different ways. I could quit my job if I wanted to. I could find a new, more meaningful job. I could start dating again if I wanted to. I might meet someone really amazing who actually treats me with the respect and kindness I deserve. Maybe they might even be someone who actually enjoys and seeks physical affection and isn’t constantly upset by the most random and seemingly insignificant details of day-to-day life. Maybe they’d even want to play WoW with me or go see totally stupid movies with me!

Maybe I will find someone who does give me that passionate, heat-of-the-moment sex on a long term basis, one that actually finds me as Emma, transwoman extraordinaire, sexy instead of constantly rejecting my attempts to initiate sex. I have had amazing sexual relationships in the past where I could get them hot and bothered with nothing but a look, so why couldn’t I have that again?

As I said, I used to be a heartbreaker in my younger years, and that’s when I was an unconfident boy. Now I’m a confident, good-looking, and charming woman, so why couldn’t I regain that heartbreaker status again? I am a catch, honestly, (and super humble too! Lol) and whoever decides to take a chance on me will be damned lucky to have me in their life.

So, I guess we will see. There are many blank pages left in the story of my life as Emma and a new chapter has begun. The last chapter ended with heartbreak and betrayal, but this chapter doesn’t have to end that way. This chapter can be a truly happy and fulfilling one… or it could even be a bit naughty and 18+ only. >;)

Only time will tell, and fear not, you will know what is going on. I have much to already talk about with regards to the dating scene and the bar scene tucked in my back pocket for an upcoming entry. For now, however, we will have to be finished so I can go about living my life as a single lady.

Much love to all of you, especially those who’ve written in to me to let me know you were concerned about me. I appreciate that you care about me as much as I care about all of you. Okay, stay fabulous!

-Emma

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