Hello my darling readers. I hope you are well. It snowed here in Minnesota last night and as I’m looking out over my neighbors backyard covered in pristine snow, their tall, leafless tree frosted over I can’t help but feel a bit sad.
I decided to not go to work today. Why? I have no idea really, except that I couldn’t bear the thought of having to go to that place today and when I got up and saw that it had snowed my mind was made up. If I’m honest, I really want to quit my job. I really really really do. I’m just so bored by it these days. There is another job that’s popped up that I’m going to apply for today. Sadly it’s still in the legal field but somehow I feel like it will be a better job, one more suited to what I’m wanting out of the last few years of my legal career. It’s more of a secretarial role than what I do now, and although the thought of being a secretary isn’t one I really revel in, I believe it will offer me the opportunity to develop some underutilized skills. I’m honestly hopeful that it will help me stay organized when I decide to start my own therapy practice (or start a practice with some of my grad school friends).
Regardless, though, it will be a change of scenery and a change of pace. My whole life is sort of in a spiraling free-fall and I’m really having to start all over again, so why not start over in my job as well? I started my current job as Robert, so why not let that go to the grave like everything else from his life already has? Total rebirth sounds like a necessary step in the right direction.
I knew when I decided to transition that this was likely going to happen, that my life would have to be reinvented in almost every way, but I guess I wasn’t all that prepared to be doing this part by myself, at least not under these circumstances. My best friend and the person who truly supported my decision to do this, to transition to my new life as a transwoman, is gone. That’s mostly by my choice right now, although I’m not sure I was given amazing options. It was either continue to be hurt by someone whose actions contradicted their words far too often, or to be alone; so I chose to be alone.
I cannot deny that I still miss her, or that some part of me is still clinging to a misguided hope that she’ll come back, but I’ve found ways to not think about her or to shut down any thoughts of her that do crop up. I’m not always successful but my anger has helped with this ongoing effort. It’s easier to not want to talk to her, to not want to reach out, to not want to see her, and to not allow her inside when I am angry with her.
I am on the other side of the looking glass, so to speak, when it comes to this situation. I’ve spoken about it before but many years ago I did what’s been done to me to a person I loved, and even still care about/think about. I hurt her beyond belief and she has hated me ever since. I understand her hatred now. For so long I thought it was just malice, but really it was a defense mechanism. In order to survive the pain that’s been inflicted upon me I must hate the woman I love. In order to protect myself from being hurt by her any further I must think the worst of her.
It’s an awful feeling. It’s a terrible way to be or to think. I hate hating her, but in order to survive I feel that I must hate her. If I do not hate her than I will allow her inside again and the tiny amount of healing that has occurred will be undone. Nothing would give me greater relief than for her to treat me with kindness and compassion, to truly be my friend like she used to be, but she seems incapable of doing that. Her selfish actions propelled by a desire to “be happy” are more important to her than making sure the friendship we’ve cultivated over the years isn’t shattered to pieces. I want her to be happy, deep down beneath all the resentment and anger, but I also can’t be there for her, not after how unfair she’s been to me.
I recently read some more on Venus in Libra (a very important aspect of my birth chart, and personality) and it brought me so much perspective. I’ll paste what it said in a moment but Venus is the planet in a person’s birth chart that dictates relationships, especially love relationships. It reveals how you love and how you want to be loved. It shows what you value and what you cannot stand. This is mine:
“Venus in Libra people will try to impress you with their kindness, evenhandedness, and willingness to make your relationship work. They have a polished manner in love, which sometimes makes them appear insincere or superficial. They are gentle lovers who hate to be offended. They are threatened by bad manners and direct or abrasive expression of feelings. They not only prefer to choose the middle road, they seek the middle ground in their relationships. You can expect to be treated fairly, and you may be turned on by Venus in Libra's willingness to concede and adjust their lives to fully accommodate you.
Venus in Libra men and women have idealized images of their relationships, even to the point where the relationship becomes bigger than life, taking on a life of its own. They can become quietly resentful if they feel they are being taken advantage of -- and they make it easy for more aggressive types to bully them around.
Pleasing Venus in Libra involves treating them kindly and fairly. They love to share everything with you, so let them. Foreplay for them can be mental -- they love to communicate with you about the relationship. Sharing turns them on, and tactless or uncouth behavior is a turn-off. Although they seem to put up with a lot, be fair with them. Over time, imbalance in their relationship is sure to make them unhappy, and when it comes to this, they may try to even the score in subtle, roundabout ways. Don't let it come to that, and you will be rewarded with a lover who puts themselves in your shoes and treats you exactly how they would like to be treated.
My Personal Ad Bio: "I'm just a nice guy/gal -- some say I'm too nice. I'm romantic and love good conversations. I will please you. All I ask for is fairness." - http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/lovesexsecrets_venuspg2.html (with added underlining)
All I ask for is fairness… truer words have never been spoken about the way I treat relationships and love. I want it to be fair. I want to please a person and to give them everything they need, but they must treat me with fairness. I have not been treated with fairness. I have been treated about as unfairly as a spouse can be without it involving physical/sexual abuse.
Reading this excerpt, and a few others that I won’t paste, really opened my eyes to a few things. It became clear to me why I felt so hurt and why our relationship unraveled that way it did. She has Venus in Capricorn which is about as cold of a Venus placement as is possible. It basically means that she cares most about what the relationship she is in does for her, how it serves her, and how she can best utilize it for her own benefit than she does about how her partner feels. I’m not sure there could there be two perspectives more vastly different than those. My love is about fairness and pleasing my partner. Her love is about how it benefits her, how it makes her look, and how she can best exploit it.
She said to me again and again that she wasn’t a lesbian and admitted several times that she didn’t like the way people looked at us in public (she hated the staring). I never fully understood it before doing this research. A Venus in Capricorn cares so much about what other people think of their relationships, because it’s about status. She kept saying that she missed being seen as a regular hetero couple (social status 101). If the relationship is holding a Venus in Capricorn back in some way, especially social status, it will be over in a heartbeat. She was ashamed of me. Even if she supported my decision to transition and maybe legitimately wanted me to be happy, she didn’t want to tell people about us because she was ashamed to have to admit she loved a transwoman.
I was a transwoman and her association with being married to me meant that people might think less of her for being a lesbian or something else unknown. That, I’m sure was intolerable to her. So much so that she destroyed and threw away an amazing friendship because it was more important to her to be seen as straight than as something else. Add to this the fact that she was no longer financially dependent upon my income to afford to live (she got a raise the same day she cheated on me, coincidence? I think not, Watson) and it becomes so apparent why she left. In her mind, I lowered her social status and my financial stability was no longer necessary… of course she’d jump ship and run off towards the next would-be victim of her exploitative love.
And the way she did it was so evident of her Venus placement as well. Could there have been a more cold, calculated, and callous way to end a relationship? Don’t uncouple peacefully, no that would be far too fair and loving (Libra-like), instead torpedo the entire fucking thing and hope it sinks to the bottom of the ocean.
Realizing all of this makes me also realize that I am better off. In all honesty, she was rarely fair to me and rarely put in the kind of effort I needed to make me happy. She did a lot for me in the way of budget, cooking, laundry, etc. but she was always somewhat cold and distant. The only time she ever became truly affectionate or open was when she wanted something from me. Before my transition sex became a currency to be traded for my compliance to her wishes or favors she’d asked. After the transition, I no longer cared about sex the way I did before and so that currency lost its value.
If anything, all of this has shown me how important being treated with Libra-like fairness is to me and will be to me in the next relationship I engage in. I will never date a person with Venus in Capricorn again and I will never tolerate someone who ignores my needs so fully in place of their own. I’m happy to accommodate a person and to please them unendingly, but it’s got to be give and take on their end. They cannot just take, take, take, and take again until there is nothing left to give and then they move on. I have far too much to offer to be exploited anymore. What I have to give must be valued and appreciated, and reciprocated.
I have learned that being alone is not a worse fate than remaining in a horrible situation. That is the danger of a Venus in Libra placement: the fear of being alone becoming so powerful that even insufferable conditions will be accepted to avoid it.
I do not love being alone because I love to love, I love to make someone happy and to make them smile, but I do recognize that it is not the end of the world. Just because I do not have a partner does not mean I am even really alone or have to feel lonely. I have many friends and am gaining new ones week after week. I have the opportunity at an amazing new life, free of her BS. True I do not have someone to share a home with, or even a bed with, but in the immortal words of Kelly Clarkson, “the bed feels warmer sleeping here alone…”