Wednesday, August 5, 2015

8-5-2015 Entry: Surviving Our Bout of Coming Undone

Hello my darlings. I wanted to write in to let you all know I’m still alive and that I will be posting a new blog (other than this one, of course) soon. Some circumstances have changed and it may have an impact on how often I can post on here. Never fear though, I am far from done with trans-advent or blogging about my experiences and the transgender mystique. In fact, my next blog post will likely be about the mystique, but it is only about 75% done.
 
I do want to say, just for complete accountability, that Monday was a very hard day for me. I got very close to ending my own life and spent the majority of the day trying to desperately fight off the demons that were urging me to just give up. As a result of my struggle, I nearly walked out on my marriage, my home, and my life in general Monday night. I’m glad to say that my wife, saint of a woman that she is, weathered the storm of my mental unwinding (exacerbated by inconsistent dosages of my estrogen and spiro thanks to a ditzy moment where I forgot to pick up my Rx before the weekend) and was able to reel me back in and keep me from destroying everything I’ve worked so hard for over the last 6 years or so.
 
I guess I just want you all to know that even when everything on the surface might look like I have things together, it can all unwind in the span of a few hours. This transition, in my gender, the dynamics of my marriage, and my professional life, is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done and can often feel a bit like balancing on a tight rope as I walk over a tank filled with hungry sharks. (If I wasn’t dramatic I wouldn’t be any good as a writer, right?)
 
I am much happier with who I am as Emma and feel  more comfortable in my body than I ever have before. I would never trade that in to be Robert again, even when that means I have to explain to people I used to know as Robert that I am now Emma and that I hope it won’t change our relationship for the worse because I need their help. I know, I’m being really vague, and I apologize for that, but for the time being it is a necessity. More people who know me in real life are reading this blog on the regular and I must be careful what I share and don’t share. I promise to explain it all in time (in a long-winded post, of course, lol) but for now suffice it to say that I have to make some changes in my life if I’m going to avoid reaching the dead-end I arrived at on Monday night again. I can’t keep going like I have, and it’s time to take charge of portions of my life I’ve been content before now to allow to stay the same. I have had enough and that’s become rather apparent to me now.
 
We are Emma, transwoman extraordinaire, and we aren’t going out without a fight. Our demons might try to convince us we’d be better off dead but we refuse to listen to them. They don’t know us, and they can’t touch us. Thankfully we have people, who we value more than words could ever express, to keep us on the road when we start to swerve uncontrollably.
 
With love,
-Emma

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