Hello my lovelies! I hope the weekend is treating you all very well. I, personally, have been having a rather interesting weekend and it is only Saturday afternoon.
First, I finished binging on Sense8 (Netflix show that is a must watch, IMHO) and I have to say that I am only further enamored with Jamie Clayton and her character Nomi than I was before. I think the fact that she took the time to actually read my tweet to her and favorite it, has made her a life-long lesbian heartthrob for this transwoman. I’m not sure what her orientation is but honey, I’d take Amanita’s place in a minute!
Anyway, fan-girling aside, the show was really, really good. It’s just so… multi-faceted. Whether you looking at the cultural diversity, the sexual diversity, or the gender diversity the show just has a lot to offer. Add to it the fact that there is a lot of suspense, action, and high drama, and it’s a dead winner for me. I’ve pretty much loved every Wachowski movie I’ve seen, so it’s not really a surprise that I’d love this show. I think my hands down favorite part is (**spoiler alert**) when Lito goes to rescue Daniela from her psycho abusive drug cartel boyfriend and rolls up on them by first, power sliding his Audi into the driveway, second stepping out all slow-motion badass with a cigarette between his lips and awesome shades on, and third, attempts to use potted flowers as a weapon. Even my wife was truly impressed at this amazing spectacle.
Oh, and enough cannot be said about the love dynamics in the show. None of the characters are single faceted (see, even the characters are multifaceted), nor are their relationships with one another. Their love stories are both believable and truly complicated. Never in my life have I been so touched by two gay men being so madly in love with one another (probably because I steered clear of LGBT television/stories as a denial mechanism to prevent me from questioning my gender/sexuality too much). I actually got misty-eyed several times during the show over the Lito-Hernando relationship.
Obviously the Nomi Amanita (Nomanita as they are calling it) relationship appeals to me on a great many levels because of my trans-lesbian proclivities, so of course I’ve found their relationship very interesting. I’m not sure I have ever seen anything like it anywhere before, which makes it all the more amazing to me. I’m not saying that such relationships don’t exist in other works of fiction, but this is my first exposure to them. I love every second of their scenes together or apart. Not just because of my current raging fangirl crush on Jamie Clayton, but because their relationship inspires me to find that same kind of love. Whether that is a result of my relationship with my wife growing into that kind of closeness and love, or whether I must find it in another person, I want to experience that. I want that trans-lesbian love connection and closeness, not to mention, of course, the sex. ;)
(Somewhat related, I found this post and loved it http://www.themarysue.com/why-sense8s-nomi-and-amanita-are-everything-to-me/ so check it out if you want)
It is probably easy to see why I’m really sad that there are no more episodes for me to watch, given my vocal adoration of this show. I’m left only with the typical longing for more. Bravo Wachoswkis, you’ve done it again. I cannot wait for the next installment.
But Sense8 binging and fan-girling about the beautiful and talented Jamie Clayton aside, something else quite extraordinary has happened. I have never hidden the fact that I had high hopes for this blog or really for my desire to touch the lives of others, either by helping them see that trans is beautiful or by inspiring them to live more authentic lives. It seems, although I am reluctant to enthuse too greatly about this should it not pan out, that my hopes might be coming true, in the least expected way possible.
I do not want to give too many details because I do not want this opportunity to vanish because of my over-excitement about it, but I’ve been contacted by someone in the news industry that might want to share my story in a rather significant way. I don’t know many details at this point and as I said, I don’t want to botch this by talking about it too much, but I’m just so blown away. This literally came out of nowhere! How this person found me or what about my blog inspired them to reach out to me, I’ll likely never know, but this could really be a big thing for me.
My greatest aspiration in life right now is to become an icon for the transgender community. I want to inspire others like me to live as their authentic selves. I want to systematically break down the barriers that have kept those who are like me in the prison of cisgender normalcy. I want to stand tall and proud, and shout from the rooftops that I refuse to be limited by society’s approved labels. I want to bring non-binary into the conversation as much as possible so more and more people will understand that the human spirit is far too intricate, complex, and beautiful to be diminished into an either-or category of expression.
When I was a teenager, struggling through the deep fog of depression and confusion about who I was or where I belonged, I could lose myself in my writings. I dreamt of one day becoming a writer. I dreamt of creating stories that others would be interested in reading; that would have meaning to them and would touch their minds and hearts. I eventually became an author of two fiction novels which I truly enjoyed writing, but I have since found that my writing has touched many more minds and hearts of others when the story I was telling was my own.
How funny it seems to me now to know that the thing I feared more than anything else was actually the doorway to the life I dreamt of living. Because of my transition, I get to be a writer that touches the minds and hearts of others. Because I stopped trying to hide who I was, I get to be someone that others reach out to for love, kindness, and help when they don’t know where else to turn. Because I stopped shaming myself for my desires to be a girl, I now get to do the thing I always wanted to do: use my talent with words to make the world a better, more loving, more accepting place for those who “don’t fit in”.
I feel truly overwhelmed when I consider the possibilities that this opportunity might present me with, should it work out. I have vowed from day one that were I ever given the chance to really make a difference in the world, that I would sieze it and use that opportunity to help others. I want nothing more than for my name, Emma Edwins (I’ve decided that’s the name I’m going to change to when I get the court order for a name/gender change) to represent just how beautiful, loving, and limitless transgender can be.
I want my story to be shared, not because I seek fame or adoration from the masses, but because I want it to inspire others to pursue authentic lives. I want to help others find the kind of peace of mind and happiness I’ve started to discover through my transition to Emma. And, God willing, should I ever become wealthy enough to realize this desire, I want to start a foundation that helps transgender individuals not only find access to trans-friendly therapy and community resources, but to also afford the gender confirming procedures that most American insurance currently refuses to cover.
Nothing is more frustrating to me right now than the fact that I cannot currently and may never be able to afford bottom surgery because my insurance (and most insurance in America) refuses to acknowledge the procedure as “necessary” for the treatment of gender dysphoria. I want nothing more than to be given the opportunity to create such an organization and to be a spokesperson for its work and efforts.
Most people want money so that they can buy big houses, fast cars, and fancy clothes (and I cannot blame them for that) but I want money so that I can use it to improve the lives of those in need. I wish I was a rich girl because then I could spend my time contributing to the wellness of others, rather than sitting in a cube filing patent applications for billion dollar companies.
This opportunity, for all that it is completely unconfirmed and may disappear at a moment’s notice, gives me hope that my dreams will not go unrealized. It inspires in me a renewed vigor to keep writing, to keep talking about my experience and the experiences of others. It reminds me that my efforts are not in vain and that they are being noticed. It tells me that I am still on the right path, even if I cannot see the road ahead of me, and that there is still so much to be done. I still have so much more to accomplish, so much more to say, and so much more to write. My transition has truly only just begun and there are so many more chapters left in my story.
I hope you will come with me as they unfold, because I think the ride ahead is going to be so much more fun than it has been up to now. As I’ve said before, I don’t want to change the world, I want to rock it!