Hello my darlings! So, I know many of you have been eagerly awaiting a picture post to see how my HRT is progressing. I honestly can’t believe it’s been about 6 weeks since my last picture entry, which means that I have more-or-less been on HRT for four months!!! Wow has four months flown by! And so much has changed since then, both physically and in my life situation.
One of my emailers, a person I just absolutely adore, wrote me a while ago and actually linked one of my old blog posts in their email as something they really identified with. Well, I’ve been a major slacker in responding timely to these emails so I read through the correspondence yesterday and actually clicked the link to the post and reread what I’d written back in December of 2014 (so like 6 months ago). It’s the post entitled “I Walk Alone” and oh my goodness it was a blast from the past, and not necessarily in a good way, either. I was so depressed when I wrote that post. I remember feeling so helplessly alone and unsure of the road ahead of me. I was convinced that my marriage would crumble under the weight of my decision to transition and I was feeling the pain of my mother’s difficulty accepting me as a daughter instead of a son. I believed then that there would be no hope for me to experience a joyful life, that I’d never get to the place I wanted to be. And yet, not 6 months later, I’m more happy that I’ve ever been before! My life has done nothing but change for the better, honestly, which I think illustrates an important point about gender dysphoria and depression.
The thoughts I had then; the crushing loneliness and the lack of hope for the future all felt extremely real and poignant but really they were just delusions. Negative delusions, I’ll grant you, but delusions nonetheless. What do I mean by delusions? I mean that these thoughts that told me that my life would never realistically get better were, in actuality, the unrealistic things. I had unrealistic pessimism about my future. My brain tried so hard to convince me that the road ahead of me was impossible and that I’d never survive the trip, but that’s obviously not been the truth.
I bring this up because I want anyone out there who is suffering from depression and dysphoria to understand that even if you feel 100% convinced that things will never get better, that you will never get to transition the way you want, or you will never get to live the life you desire, there is a good chance you are dead wrong. I don’t say that so you feel worse about your situation, but that you might take hold of something firm and remind yourself that even when your mind tries to convince you that something is impossible, your mind isn’t the boss of you. True, it may be a reflection of the way you are feeling, and those feelings might be so overwhelming as to make you believe that you cannot succeed, but deep inside you know that they are lies (that’s why it hurts so bad to think those thoughts, they contradict the truth you know in your heart). My depression and dysphoria was a lie, a lie that my mind tried to convince me of. It tried to convince me I’d never be pretty, that I’d never look the way I wanted, that I’d never get to transcend the gender binary to live as I wanted, that I would never be accepted as a transwoman, but they were lies. I have, of course, the benefit of hindsight to confirm that these thoughts and depressive inclinations were lies, but even if you don’t have that luxury, I wish to encourage you to have faith that you will survive this! I wish to encourage you to have faith to move just a little in the direction of what you are wanting, even if it is the smallest of steps.
Think of it this way: when you are at the bottom of the mountain you are wanting to climb, it can seem so huge and so impossible. When you finally start going up the mountain and maybe you have a setback or two, that feeling of impossible worsens. If you choose to not give up (please never give up!!) then you keep climbing even though it may feel fruitless. If you can keep scaling, one foot at a time, never thinking about all that’s left to do, but to instead focusing all your energy upon the current step you are taking , then the journey begins to transform into an exercise in zen-like repetition and before you know it, you stop to look back on your progress and marvel at how much you’ve achieved. That’s what I get to do today. I’m stopping, 17 weeks into my ascent up the mountain of gender transition and I’m marveling at how far I’ve come.
The pictures below are so vastly different from the first ones I posted. They are pictures I’m actually proud to call my own. Maybe I’m not exactly the way I want to be, and I don’t look exactly the way I want to look, but I don’t see these pictures and cringe like I used to. I don’t look at them and think, “OMG, I look so tragic! How can that be how I look?” I look at them and think, “I can’t believe how different I look and how much I like that difference! I feel proud of who I’ve become!”
I actually like seeing my reflection these days. It makes me smile. It never used to do that. My reflection was always something I tried to avoid at all costs. I didn’t care to look at it too closely because it always made me feel sad inside. That doesn’t happen anymore, because now when I look at myself, I feel happy. I feel pretty.
So, as an explanation of the pictures below, you will notice that some of them are with my wig on and with my wig off. I did that on purpose because I wanted to demonstrate how long my hair is getting (hence the finger holding it against my cheek). It’s even long enough that I can actually hold the longest strands between my lips (probably a weird benchmark but I found it an amusing exercise). I’m not wearing a bra, and although you cannot really tell with my black shirt on, I do have the beginnings of breasts!!!
When I stand in front of the mirror with no shirt on now, my chest is truly beginning to look like I have regular breasts (instead of man-fat-boobs). They are not huge, and definitely have a long way to go before they actually fill my B-cup bra, but it’s been exciting to see them grown and change. My body is starting to look more and more feminine. I just love it!
Anyways, without further delay:
Well, my darlings I hope you enjoyed the picture show. I’ll try to be better about not waiting another 6 weeks before I post more of them. Until the next entry, au revoir mon petite chou!