Wednesday, May 20, 2015

5-20-2015 Entry: New Developments


Just a quick check in. Not much has changed since my novel-length post on Monday except for three very exciting things. The first is that my wife has finally decided it is time for her to start applying to other jobs! I know that probably doesn’t sound all that exciting but I am so relieved that she’s finally come to this decision. I have been urging her to do it for months because she has been downright miserable with her job, but for some reason she just kept holding on to it. You should see the difference in her demeanor, just having made the decision to apply to a couple places. It’s like all of the resistance she has been accumulating over the last 18 months or so has finally been released. She’s back to being the happy, wonderful, beautiful, and amazing person I knew she was inside. It’s amazing to see how much of a difference a decision as simple as looking for a new job can change a person’s attitude.

I am very eager for her to find a new job, ideally one she likes more than the one she currently has because I suspect our marriage will start to function better. If she manages to find work she is more in tune with AND she starts to make even more money, things can only get better. She can go back to being the happy easy going lovable person she is capable of being instead of this tense ball of anger, frustration, and depression. I won’t lie, it has been hard to be around her in recent months, simply because of her drained state of being. As a natural empath, I tend to absorb other people’s emotions and can easily be pulled into their dysfunction if care isn’t taken on my part to avoid it, so if she is operating at a higher, more content level it will be easier for me to stay in that range myself.

I’m just over the moon about this, if you couldn’t tell. She needed to get out of there, and to see her finally progress to the point where she is ready to leave it behind is very fulfilling for me. In many ways I can identify with her position because after about 2 years at my first professional level job I was the same ball of stress that she has been and it took a lot for me finally walk away from that job, so I know how big of a growth step this is for her. The mark of true love in a relationship, at least to me, is wanting to help your partner grow and achieve their potential. So, my dear readers, let’s all keep our fingers crossed that she finds a good job that she will like more, making more money!! =)

The second bit of news is that I finally worked up the courage to come out to one of the male attorneys that I work with on a daily basis. Since my HR person has informed me that I’m responsible for talking to the attorneys I paralegal for (all men), I decided that it was important for me to try to talk to these people well in advance of my upcoming on-the-job transition (the end of June). I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy and it took about a week of working up my courage to do it, but I am so happy that I did it! His reaction was amazing. He asked me if it was appropriate to tell me congratulations, which I found rather funny, but I told him that it was perfectly appropriate. It takes a lot of courage to do what I’m doing, so why not congratulate me on my decision? =P::

He went on to say that he would do his best to never be insensitive or to say the wrong thing, and told me that if there ever was anyone who gave me a difficult time about it that I could talk to him about it (he is a partner). He continued by saying that he would be very disappointed if I had any problems with my coworkers and that he would make sure it didn’t happen again if I did. It was just awesome and has given me the courage to talk to the second of three attorneys, either today or tomorrow. The third attorney will have to wait until next week because he isn’t real impressed with me given some recent issues at work. Nothing too bad, so don’t worry, Emma won’t be unemployed, just sort of on the shit list for a few days. He always has a shit list, but it seems to only have one or two spots on it and also has a high turnover rate, so it won’t be long before I’m not on it anymore. The upcoming three day weekend will help him forget, I’m sure.

The third bit of news is that I have officially started my memoire. A big reason I created this blog was to provide me with at-the-time material for this memoire so I can very accurately describe my experience. I’m not completely sure why I’ve started it but I felt an overwhelming urge to begin it two nights ago and I’ve already written the first chapter. I think the ensuing chapters will have to unfold as I make my transition at work and as my life continues to change but I suspect I will complete it within perhaps a year (or two at the most). All the memoires I’ve come across are written well after transition and I want mine to be written from the perspective of before, during, and after transitioning to female full time. I think that might give readers a different kind of perspective than the long after the fact memoires on the market now.

I haven’t decided if I will self-publish this the way I self-published both of my fiction novels or if I’ll try to get it traditionally published. I have definitely seen both the positives and negatives to self-publishing as compared to traditional publishing, so there is a lot to consider. If I had to guess, I’ll probably try traditional publishing this time around before resorting to self-publishing. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I may or may not post excerpts of the memoire here, but we will have to see how things go and how quickly I end up writing it.

Well that’s all I have for today. Thanks for checking in. I do plan to write a follow up post to my deconstruction of passing, because I don’t feel that the conversation on that subject has been exhausted yet. The next post, however, will likely require a bit more research than the last one, so I don’t know when it will be ready.

Much love for all of you here, and remember, if you ever feel like reaching out to me for any reason, you can email me at rtedwins@gmail.com (haters need not email)

-Emma

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