Hello my darling readers, well it’s that time again, the HRT/picture update. It’s been 11 weeks since I started hormones and I can say for certain that I’ve noticed some changes. The initial effects of the estrogen in my system were rather pronounced, especially when it came to emotional capacity (it was dramatically increased, for those just tuning in), but those effects seemed to have leveled off over the last month or so. Whether that just means I’ve become accustomed to them as the new normal or my body is just regulating them differently after 11 weeks is difficult for me to say. My hair, which you won’t see in these pictures, is continuing to grow slowly but steadily and there are brief moments when I can see my hair as feminine looking instead of masculine. Regardless, I have taken to wearing my wig with increased frequency, as you will see below. I still have only worn it out in public two or three times now, but I’m growing more and more accustomed to seeing myself with long hair. I’m not sure my real hair will ever look quite as substantial or nice as the wig does, as the effects of my male-pattern balding have permanently reduced the amount of viable hair follicles in the crown/bangs area of my scalp, but I guess I just have to accept that. Despite being told that HRT wouldn’t reverse the effects of male pattern balding I was still hopeful that maybe I would see a difference, so the disappointment is really my own fault for setting up unrealistic expectations, but I digress.
My skin has definitely softened quite a bit over the last few weeks. I frequently find myself amazed at how soft and smooth areas of my skin are, despite my criminal lack of moisturizing. My face is continuing to change and I think I’ve noticed a marked difference in the shape of my eyes. More often than not my eyes looks more feminine than masculine to me, although it’s impossible to know how much of a bias there is in my perceptions. The facial hair is still growing at approximately the same speed as it has been, although I think the hair is starting to change some. It is starting to lighten in the areas where it was already lighter and is becoming more fine. Unfortunately the area where my goatee used to be is not seeing any such lightening and has a perpetual five o’clock shadow effect. I went to the Laser Hair removal place in town and met with one of their specialists to talk about the possibilities of LHR. Unfortunately the bill for such a procedure is quite substantial. For seven treatments on my face and neck over the span of a year, it was going to cost me a little over $3100, and that was after substaintial promotional discounts (supposedly, although I suspect there is a raise the price so you can appear to discount it factor at play, but I can’t say for sure). They offer interest free financing to help ease the blow, but the payment per month would have been about $130, which is currently a bit out of the realm of possibility for me. Needless to say, I was a bit heartbroken as I was expecting the cost to be like ¼ of that and was hoping to sign up for the treatments that day by paying for the whole thing on my credit card. Maybe I can sign up for one or two treatments instead of seven, just to reduce the hair to a certain degree, but I’ll have to look into it.
Mental/emotional state has been a bit better lately. I suspect the acquisition of the wig and some lady clothes has helped soothe a bit of my anxiety, not to mention the diminished stress from no longer having to buy a house or move, but it hasn’t stopped the depression from wreaking havoc. Last night I spent the last hour before I fell asleep crying and considering just ending it all. Again I found myself praying to god to just put me out of my misery, and started imagining ways I would take that matter into my own hands. I’m not trying to be melodramatic, it’s just the way I feel/felt. It took everything I had this morning not to call into work sick for a mental health day. I probably should have done that given my general lack of motivation to do anything right now, but I think part of me was afraid that if I stayed at home by myself, that I might have done something I couldn’t undo.
I think most of my depression spawns from my high dissatisfaction with my current job. I truly hate being a paralegal and working at a law firm. I desperately hope the graduate school application I just filed two weeks ago is accepted and I can find a way to afford going back to school so I can leave this profession for one I think I will enjoy much more. I think my greatest fear, and therefore my darkest motivation for suicide is that I won’t be accepted into the program, or worse still that I will be accepted but won’t be able to afford to go. The thought of having to stay in this job forever, or to find another equally meaningless job is just too much to bear. I’ve already failed in great part to become a self-sustained fiction writer, despite writing two books that have gotten nothing but positive reviews, and I feel like a failure of a legal professional because I settled for paralegal instead of going to law school. If I also fail to become a therapist, I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle the disappointment. No amount of HRT, wig-wearing, makeup or clothes/shoes will make up for that.
I sense this post has taken a tragic turn into bummer town, so I’ll put it to rest and assure you that despite falling to the dirt and desiring to just give up, I’ve staggered to my feet and will live to fight another day. All I can do is try to find the motivation and hope to keep going. I may be a failure, but I refuse to also be a quitter, at least, for today. Hopefully my pictures aren’t too tragic. I really like the outfit I’m wearing in these, it’s definitely one of my favorite so far.
Much love to all of you,