Hello my darling readers! I’m so glad you stopped by again to take another tour through Emma town. Unfortunately for today’s tour we will have to be battling these pesky black anxiety storm clouds that keep threatening to rain all over us. I hope you brought your umbrellas along with you because depending on how the wind blows today we could get drenched!
Okay, jesting and cheesy tour guide intro aside, today is a very nerve wracking day for me. I was informed a few weeks ago that the University I applied to for their M.A. in Family and Marriage Counseling would be setting up interviews with the first wave of candidates. I was informed that the candidates lucky enough to pass through the first round of rejections would receive a phone call by the “end of May” to set up the interview, which you might note is most likely today. True, the last day of May is Sunday, but I hardly expect a university admissions office to be working on the weekend (having been a University employee for a number of years myself I know schools pretty much shut down on the weekend). As of writing this on my lunch break on Friday May 29th, I have not yet received a phone call. One of only a couple explanations seem to exist for why this might be.
- I did not make it past the first round of eliminations and won’t receive an interview invitation.
- I did receive a phone call during the last week when my phone was constantly dying on me but they didn’t leave me a message, or worse, they DID leave a message and my voicemail isn’t functioning/didn’t save the voicemail (I have reason to suspect this but I won’t bore you with the details).
- They are behind schedule (again I have reason to suspect the possibility) and aren’t setting up the interviews yet or haven’t finished picking candidates.
- I will receive a phone call later today.
My only recourse in this time of high anxiety of trying to understand what reason exists for me not receiving a phone call is to:
- Completely freak out, assume the worst, and allow the tears that are just dying to get out to start coming
- Email the program director to find out WTF is going on.
- Call the program director like an overly attached girlfriend and be all like “why you no love me???”
- Drink myself into a stupor.
As of now, I have elected to go with option “b” because I don’t want to assume the worst and I don’t want to come off overly attached, but I reserve the right to elect any of the other three options should I receive no response back from the director. I think I will likely call him if I don’t receive a response by about 130pm as that would have given him over 3 hours to respond and he typically is pretty responsive. Knowing my damn luck he will probably have taken the day off and won’t get my email until Monday.
As you might imagine, I am nothing but a ball of stress and potential tears right now. I probably didn’t write about this here because I haven’t been posting as frequently over the last couple weeks, but I had a really bad night not so long ago where I made a plan/decision that if I didn’t get accepted to grad school that I was going to go through with suicide. I know that sounds so stupidly over-dramatic but I’m not kidding. I even told my best friend that I was going to do it.
I can’t say either way how I feel about that decision right now. I don’t think that I still feel that way, but I can’t say with 100% certainty that I won’t warm up to the idea should I be denied. I know what you are thinking, “Emma, you can just apply again next year! You can try a different school! You don’t have to give up!” and I know that you are right, but I’m ready to do this NOW with this program. I cannot keep working as a paralegal. I just can’t keep doing it, not without something giving me hope that it won’t be a permanent job.
I know, I’m probably tragically revealing my relative young age with all of this but I’m 5 months away from my 30th birthday, and if I don’t start moving in the right direction now, I’m afraid I’ll never have the chance. One day I will die, and I refuse to look back on my life and see nothing but years and years of doing what other people tell me to do for the profits of private companies that may or may not benefit or improve the human condition. I want to look back and see a life filled with actively engaging and helping people. I want to look back and see that I made a difference in people’s lives, not a billion dollar companies quarterly profits.
I love writing to the people who email me with their questions, fears, worries, and concerns about their gender identity. I love hearing their stories and having the opportunity to connect with them and, hopefully, help alleviate their suffering. I want to do that for a living. I want to devote my life to that work! But I can’t do that fully unless I go back to school in a program like this.
I know the urgency maybe doesn’t make sense to all of you out there, but I’m not getting any younger and someday soon, my wife and I may have children who suck up all of my free time and money. I don’t want to put school off until it’s too late. I don’t want to wait until I’m 50 before I have time again without kids at home to hit the books and make an impact in the world. I want to do it now, today, not next year or the year after that. I want to graduate with a master’s degree before I’m 35 and maybe also be licensed by then too. If I got accepted to this program and started in the fall, I could feasibly do that.
Okay, I know this post has almost nothing to do with being transgender or living as a transwoman, but I just had to write about these feelings. I can’t keep all of this inside of me, not when it’s threatening to wash over me and send me spiraling off into the deep end. I just can’t even function right now without knowing what they are going to decide. Even if they deny me, I just want to know!! I hate this limbo they have me trapped in. It’s like I’m suspended in space and I’m swimming as hard as I can but no matter what I do, I just end up spinning around in the same spot, going nowhere. I’ve tried being content. I’ve tried being positive. I’ve tried accepting the fact that there is nothing I can do except wait for an answer, but it still isn’t helping soothe this anxiety. I don’t know where my life is heading right now because I cannot see the path ahead of me. All I can do is wander around in the dark until the sun rises again, either in its magnificent glory to illuminate the world around me and show me the dew-covered trees with their green leaves and the chirping birds, or to slightly brighten a dark storm covered sky. Which dawn awaits me remains a mystery but all I can do is keep walking, hoping for the best.
I’ll write again soon. I have loads to tell you about new experiences and new clothes, but I just can’t do it right now, not with this hanging over me. I promise, for now, that I won’t kill myself.