And such is the nature of the beast. I can go from being horribly frustrated, deflated, and depressed one day, to being chipper and happy the next day. I can go from being completely heart broken and dejected about my physical appearance to waking up and feeling particularly girly when I look at my reflection. Today my confidence is as high as it ever is, but there really is no explanation for it. Nothing about my appearance has changed since yesterday. I’m not thinner, I’m not more feminine, my hair has not grown any perceptible length, and my facial hair is still visible despite me shaving. So what gives?
I suppose I did go out last night and drink with my friends (and boy do I ever feel old today thanks to a handful of martinis) but was that enough to make everything better again? I suppose I was surrounded by people who know me as Emma and who think of me as she/her, which has a tendency to bolster the confidence a bit, so perhaps that’s why I feel better today than I did yesterday.
Regardless of the reason for my upswing in mood I’m happy that it is Friday. I’m happy that my hair is getting so much longer than it has ever been. I’m happy that my face is thinning out as I lose more and more weight. I’m happy that my wife and I haven’t been fighting much lately, although, her birthday last Saturday was probably the worst day of our marriage yet, but I don’t really feel like relating that story. Suffice it to say that we will be taking appropriate measures to deal with her mental/emotional health in the coming months.
I’m happy that my body has gotten used to the estrogen and increased spironolactone dosage. I’m happy that the fish oil pills I’ve been taking seem to actually be helping my achy joints (my knee has really been bothering me lately). I’m happy that my wife and I are still progressing towards the purchase of our first house, although, this has definitely been the most knit-picky, frustrating, and stressful thing I’ve ever done (even worse than transitioning, honestly). I’m happy that I’ve found a perfume that I just absolutely love!! (Elizabeth and James’ Nirvana Black, it’s amazing). I’m happy that I have a good stable job, and that I have found a Masters in Family and Marriage counseling program that is mostly affordable and has flexible class schedules (every class is offered every semester to facilitate working professionals to attend them with ease). I’m happy that I can use that degree to eventually become a therapist (one who specializes in LGBT issues) which will grant me the freedom to do something I truly enjoy while also getting paid more money than I make now.
Overall, today, on my two week HRT anniversary, I am just plain happy. I may post photos later tonight when I’m on my laptop and can use that camera (for some reason laptop selfie comes out much nicer than phone selfie) but we will see how I feel/look when I get home.
Well, that’s about all I have. I know I haven’t written much about trans issues lately but I just haven’t come across anything I felt compelled to write about. I’m sure it is only a matter of time.
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