And again there is a huge shift from one day to the next. Again I find myself in a much better mood than the day before with very little explanation as to why today is better than yesterday was. I suppose I did have some discussion with my wife about how overwhelmed I was feeling, how my needs weren’t being met, and what I wanted her to do to help me with that. I believe that my discussion with her was rather fruitful and reminded her, yet again, that things between us are going to require a great deal of attention and emotional investment as I continue through the changes inherent in HRT transition. I suppose I’ve always had the tendency to allow pressures to build up inside of me until they become almost insufferable before I say something, which is something I’m trying to work on (with the help of my therapist, of course). I think that the emotional impacts of estrogen on my system have made it such that pressure builds much more quickly and I become overwhelmed with greater ease than in times past.
I don’t want to give too much credence to the stereotype that women are overly emotional, because I’m not sure that’s fair to say (not to mention dangerous to say), but I will admit that female hormones seem to open the door to an even greater spectrum of emotional experiences than male hormones do, and it is taking a degree of getting used to in order to learn to control those emotions. I suspect that in time, once I’ve become accustomed to these changes, I’ll learn how to temper those emotions and will hopefully not suffer from such amazing mood swings. I’ve always suspected that I was bipolar to some degree, because I do seem to swing back and forth from mania to manic quite frequently. The hormones, I believe, have just exacerbated that underlying mental/emotional issue I’ve always lived with and will take some time to get used to. I had found ways to minimize the drastic mood swings before HRT (meditation, focusing on positive aspects, learning methods of non-resistance, smiling for several minutes to release serotonin, assuming power positions to lower cortisol/boost testosterone) so I suspect I will achieve that again in time.
I do have good news, however. In light of the conversations I had with my wife yesterday I’ve finally come to a decision about bottom surgery. For those who weren’t necessarily aware, I’ve been debating for many months now whether or not SRS was something I actually wanted to do or not. I knew that it would be many years before I could afford to have it, so it wasn’t an urgent decision, but the more I’ve thought about it and the more I’ve watched vlogs from other post-op transwomen I decided that I needed to make a decision sooner than later. Since my wife and I are buying a house and taking our commitment to one another to even higher degree, I felt that it was important for me to be 100% open with her about my intentions. I didn’t want her to buy a house with me thinking that I never wanted SRS If I actually did.
So, long story short, yes, I have decided that I will eventually have Sex Reassignment Surgery and I have confided this decision in my wife, who was surprisingly supportive of it. Every day she finds new ways to amaze me and this was no exception. While she did express some concerns about the idea of me no longer having boy parts, her concerns were actually almost exclusively about me and my enjoyment of sex. I don’t want to get too TMI so I’ll leave it at that but needless to say I was pretty shocked that she didn’t even really seem concerned about her own needs being met in that regard.
Overall I can say that I have been pretty elated since that conversation because SRS has been something I’ve really been struggling over. A huge reason I was reluctant to realistically consider it was because I was afraid my wife wouldn’t be able to handle being with someone who was 100% physically female (well as close as one can be without being born with XX chromosomes) . I’ve kind of been having these mini “eeeee!!!” moments every time I think about her acquiescence to my desire for SRS and have been so excited to finally be able to be a “real girl” without any fear or worry (aside from the fears/worries inherent in such a major surgery).
Okay, well that’s really all I have for today. I’m hoping this great mood I’m finding myself in lasts longer than the last one did and that I don’t find myself in some pit of despair again tomorrow or the next day. Much love to all of you wonderful readers.
Transwoman extraordinaire!! >;)