So I don’t normally feel compelled to blog three days in a row, but things have been a bit rough lately for me and I’m not exactly sure what the root of my suffering is. I’m kind of hoping that if I write it here that maybe I’ll feel like I’ve gotten it off my chest and maybe have come to a realization about what I need. I certainly haven’t had the ability to really do that lately. My appointment with my therapist last week was almost exclusively dominated by conversation about my wife’s birthday meltdown (which was just an awful experience) and all the time since then I haven’t really had anyone to talk to. One would think that under such circumstances that I might find myself in isolation or solitude, but the exact opposite has been the case. I cannot remember the last time I actually got to spend some quality time just with myself. As a relatively introverted person I really have a need to be alone from time to time to decompress and process my feelings, yet I find myself either in the presence of my wife (never further than maybe a 100 yards away and that’s only when I’m taking the dog for a walk) or I’m at work, surrounded by coworkers and the need to maintain a composed demeanor.
The only semblance of solitude I’ve managed to find has come in the late hours of the night after my wife has fallen asleep and I’m left alone with nothing but my thoughts (AKA sleep deprivation); thoughts which have been rather grim as of late. I’m not sure if it’s the pressures that come from buying a house or if the changes in hormones are really having a huge mental/emotional consequence, but I feel like I’m on the verge of having a full blown meltdown. And when I say meltdown I mean like, leaving my wife, abandoning the plan to buy a house, moving out on my own, and possibly quitting my job, kind of meltdown (total deconstruction of my life back to zero kind of meltdown). I just don’t even know what to do. It’s like I’m constantly surrounded with obligations to other people and am never left with any energy, money, or time to do anything for myself… all the while I’m reeling from the changes I’m experiencing and desperately need someone to just hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
I wish I could say that my wife was that person but she seems so inundated with her own bullshit that she can’t even see that I’m suffering and that I need her. She’s so fucking worried about her own petty goddamn problems that she can’t see how desperate I am for some sense of stability, any sense of stability, and I don’t mean doing the same thing we always do, day after day because we have no money to afford any sort of fun, kind of stability. I mean the kind of stability that comes from a person genuinely being interested in what’s going on with me and offering support when I’m in need of it. I do exactly that for her, constantly, incessantly, and yet she rarely does anything of the sort for me. You know, I cannot remember the last time she asked me how my day was. I cannot remember the last time she expressed any interest in what’s happening with me and my work (I ask her how her day is and listen to her complain and complain about her work every single day, as an FYI). Did you know that she has never once expressed any interest in reading this blog? She probably has no idea that I’ve written 67 posts on here since October of last year.
But how do I get her to be interested? I sure as hell can’t just expect her to show any interest by her own volition. I don’t feel comfortable trying to guilt her into caring because then what’s the point if she’s only doing it out of guilt? I’m just tired. I’m tired of giving and giving and giving, and then not having my needs met. I’ve over extended myself and don’t know how to bring it back in, except by completely disengaging, which is what I’ve been forced to resort to. The sad thing about disengaging, however, is it doesn’t solve the problem; it doesn’t meet the need that’s creating all of these feelings and issues.
I know that I’m probably being horribly selfish, but in my defense, transition is just about the most selfish thing a person can do. It’s a process that 100% about the me, myself, and I, and unfortunately that’s the way it has to be. I cannot always take on the needs of others over my own and successfully take the steps towards change that I need. I cannot completely replace my hormones, completely redefine who and what I am, completely change every expectation I had about how my life is going to be and yet still put the needs of others before my own 100% of the time. Right now I need it to be about me. I need it to be about my desires, my feelings, and my needs, and lately it has been all about everyone else’s needs, feelings, and desires. Whether it’s my wife, my dog, my coworkers, my friends, my goddamn mortgage banker, my real estate agent, my apartment leasing company (they’ve been showing our apartment, which we’ve been to repeatedly forced to clean for) or the sellers of the house we are buying, I’m being pulled in 500 different directions.
I just want someone to ask me how I’m doing and legitimately want to know without me having to pay them money to allot me a single hour a week to be interested. Evidently that seems to be too much to ask, because any time I put my needs before others, I get fucking guilt tripped about how I should have cared about them more than myself. I just want to be alone so I can take care of myself and not have to worry about anyone else for a while, is that so much to ask? I just don’t know how to achieve that without throwing everything else away and starting over. Do I really want to do that? I’m not so sure…
I guess I do feel somewhat better now, although, I think that all I’ve done is temporarily release some of the tension that’s been building. Unless I can find a way to solve the actual problem, I know I’m just going to be here again in a few days, wishing I could just burn it all to the ground and warm my hands by the fire. I need help but I don’t know where to find it. Please keep me in your thoughts and envision me finding some solitude and comfort, will you? I desperately need it.