Sunday, January 18, 2015

1-18-2015 Entry: New Headband and the Dream State Self

So I decided to take an extra long weekend (5 days) since the law firm I work for is closed tomorrow on MLK day. As such i have engaged in what one may only call rest and relaxation. There has been much sleeping, much video gaming, and much disappointing football gaming (damn Packers breaking my heart in that tragic loss to the sea-ducks)

In addition to the extra rest and relaxation I have also painted my fingernails a lovely shade of Pink, which I've had the lovely privilege to wear for three days straight already. I can only imagine the sadness I'll feel when I return to work and have to take the color off again. Even better than my fabulously pink nails is the new headband I bought yesterday!! 

So, long story short, I watched a YouTube video from one of my favoritest people ever, PricessJoules, where she talked about things to do during the early parts of transition. One of her recommendations for someone starting out with shorter hair (like me) was to use female hair accessories to give the hair a more feminine appearance. I, of course, made a point to browse the hair accessory section at target at my first opportunity and found this absolutely darling purple headband inlaid with clear crystals. Yes, it kind of looks like a tiara, but can you blame a girl for wanting a tiara, I mean really? If it helps you judge me less my wife helped me pick it out so I wasn't flying solo on that shopping trip.

Anyways PrincessJoules was absolutely right that even something as simple as a cute headband can give a very masculine hair cut a feminine appearance. Were I not still too self-conscious about my overly masculine appearance I would share a picture of said headband and how cute it makes my hair, but I hope you'll forgive me keeping that image private. The last thing I need right now is for my dysphoria to multiply a hundred fold by bringing it out for everyone on the internet to see. You will just have to trust me when I say that the headband has done more than a good job of making me appear more feminine.

But hair accessories aside, there have been some interesting developments on the psychological end of things. As most who have been following this blog know, my decision to transition began with a dream, one where I was a physical female. The corresponding emotions that accompanied that dream were enough to finally shake me from my denials about my gender and to break through the walls of my indirect dysphoria in such a way that I finally understood what had been wrong all these long years. That dream was enough to finally confirm in my mind that the distress I'd been feeling for nearly two decades was a result of the mismatch of my gender with my physical body.

 Well, as you might imagine, that dream was not the only one I've had where I got to experience being physically female. In fact, almost every single night I now have a dream where I am physically female and not only is the frequency of those dreams increasing but the vividness has increased as well. The dreams are so vivid, so real that when I finally awaken in the morning and realize that the female version of me isn't there anymore I become deeply sad. More than just being sad the experience of spending the equivalent of hours in the dream state as a female and returning to the waking state as a male is an extremely jarring experience. 

I wish I could adequately describe what this sensation is like but I think even my own mastery of the written word falls appallingly short of being able to enable another person to experience it vicariously. It's like closing your eyes at night, spending the entire night in a place of love and harmony, only to be ripped from that harmony and thrown into a crushing experience of wrongness. Imagine what it would be like to wake up tomorrow morning and be a dog instead of a human. You would feel pretty damn shocked, confused, and possibly depressed wouldn't you? I mean, unless you find a way to be excited that you'll never have to work a day in your life, you are probably going to feel pretty scared and/or upset at your sudden transition to the dog-state. Imagine then that everyone just believes you are a dog, and despite your attempts to correct them or to explain your true human nature, they still just see you as a dog.

That's about as close as I can equate the experience I have each morning when I awaken to this male form after spending the night romping around in my oh-so-right female body. The hardest part of that morning realization is the additional realization of how far away from that female body I still am. It will be at least a year from now before I could possibly start living and presenting as Emma, and right now, that feels like a very long time. I know it will go fast and be here before I know it, but such logical conclusions do little to settle the anxiety I feel upon waking to the physical form of Robert.

My only real comfort comes from the understanding that the reason I am having an increasing number of dreams where I'm physically female is because my sub-conscious mind is finally acknowledging the dysfunction that has been plaguing it for many years. It is one thing to think of yourself and envision yourself as female during the waking hours, but for the sub-conscious mind to also be assembling this self-image tells me that I'm finally coming to terms with my gender identity. Instead of allowing fear to rule the day and prevent me from seeing myself for who I really am, I am lovingly embracing my that deeper nature. Such freedom cannot be underestimated.

Well, that's all I really have for this update, other than to say that after many months of writer's block I've finally found my stride again in working on my novels. It's amazing what having an identity crisis (that's really what it was, if we are being brutally honest) can do to plug up the creative pipes and prevent you from being able to access the more artistic portions. Thankfully that seems to be passing and I'm finding myself better able to brainstorm, outline, and write compared to the last 4 months.

Anyways, may we all celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day and remember that it was only through non-violent resistance and the dreams born out of love that equality was won. Things still aren't perfect and much work is to be done, but tomorrow we remember when the American people did the right thing. Let's hope that it inspires us to keep doing the right things and to always foster environments for love and compassion for our fellow humans. We are all the same, just brothers and sisters in one big family, so let's try to remember that always.

-Emma


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