I find myself feeling slightly down this morning. I know a good deal of it has to do with the fact that I didn’t get much sleep last night thanks to a sickly dog, but there must be more to it than that. This blog/journal was intended to chronicle my journey through transitioning, but more and more it’s becoming an avenue to vent my emotional issues. Because of the nature of suffering from Gender Dysphoria it is hard to separate what sadness pertains to my lack of physical femininity and what sadness is just general mental health issues. I have been a rather depressed person for many years. I have gone to great efforts to become a positive person and to not allow my manic depression to negatively affect my life, but such efforts can become rather exhausting to maintain. I find that meditation helps and facilitates a happier outlook on life, but meditation can only do so much to fix the issues I have.
I think my sadness right now deals with the general dissatisfaction I feel with my career as a paralegal. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my job, and I certainly make decent money, but it’s not the kind of work I want to do. I want to have a larger effect on the world than just facilitating mega-corporations obtaining legal rights over their intellectual property. I want my life to have meaning, I want it to be filled with love and be uplifting to others. Perhaps it is vain of me to think it, but I can’t help but feel that my talents are wasted in this profession. I feel like there is so much more that I could do if I only had the opportunities to exercise the large brain I have locked away in my skull. I feel like if I could make a livable wage off my writing, I could be an excellent storyteller who gave the world not only something entertaining, but something that pushes the limits of what we see as entertaining. I feel like I could be an excellent therapist who could touch the lives of countless patients by helping them understand that their thoughts create their own reality and that simple shifts in them can have profound effects on their lives. I want to show the world that there isn’t one way of looking at it, and that by changing perspective you literally warp the world to become the new perception. I even can envision myself going into politics and trying to move our country in great directions, but alas, here I sit, pushing paper by filing patent applications for billion dollar companies. Where is the honor in that? Where is the upliftment in that?
It makes me want to just run away from all of it and flee to the Buddhist temples in the east and just give up on this life I live. At least then perhaps, I would find peace of mind from the troubling thoughts I have.
Anyway, I’ll stop my bellyaching now and give an update on my transition. I have continued to see my therapist and we are delving into a lot of issues I have that are both independent from and integral to my issues with gender dysphoria. I don’t wish to delve too deeply into what those are because they are rather painful and difficult to discuss, even with her. Suffice it to say that I am one of the countless numbers of victims who suffered from sexual abuse as a child. Thankfully my abuse wasn’t violent or overly dark, but the effects are still profound on the psyche of a child, and subsequently on the adult that child grows up to be. Aside from delving in the closet of painful skeletons, I have made some decent progress with some of my issues at work and with my wife. Learning that defense mechanisms are being activated to prevent myself from feeling and processing emotions from childhood has been liberating as I’ve been able to recognize a few aspects of my life being dramatically effected by those mechanisms. Much of my anger/frustration with my wife has dissipated because of these revelations.
As far as physical changes, the only thing to report is my hair growth (since I haven’t started HRT yet). My hair is getting longer and is reaching the point where I would normally get it cut, which means I’m about to enter unexplored territory with hair care and styling. I am somewhat frustrated with my hair because it is too short to be styled in any real feminine way, but is getting too long to be manageable with my previous styling efforts. The result is that my hair looks really awkward (at least to me). It’s getting long enough that it’s starting to curl at the ends, which I don’t really know how to deal with. Because I’ve never had hair longer than what it is now, I can’t really anticipate how it’s going to want to act. My mother has naturally curly hair (she has to straighten it), and my father has wavy hair (he has had long hair down below his shoulders for a long time), so it’s hard to say which direction it’s going to go. I think I’m just going to have to accept that my hair will look like a mess for a few months until it’s long enough to really know what to do with it.
As far as coming out, I have told another of my coworkers about being TG. He is an older gay man, so he was very accepting and interested to know more. He has offered to be supportive of me when the time comes for me to officially come out at work, which is good. Now I have three people on my side who can stand by me when that time comes. I am considering telling my direct supervisor as well in the coming days/weeks. I’m not sure why but I feel a desire for her to know the truth. Since she doesn’t really have authority over my work (except to train me and review it for quality), I feel like it might be good to come out to her before the CEO and HR (not to mention everyone else). I have to think about it though, and will likely test the waters with her to find out her general feelings about LGBT things before I decide.
For now, that’s all I really have. My doubts about myself are persisting as time goes on, but whenever I imagine myself post transition, the thought makes me extremely happy, so I’m using that as an indicator that my doubts are misplaced. I am Emma and I will be a beautiful woman, doubts or not.