Monday, November 3, 2014

11-3-2014 Entry: Emma's First Birthday

So there hasn’t really been a whole lot to report the last few days. Things are going well at home. My wife and I haven’t been fighting (now, when she is angry I can usually detach from her anger without getting sucked into the whole “I must not be worthy of love” idiosyncrasy) and she’s even been really good about calling me Emma and using the pronoun “she” too. On Friday there was a pretty strong bought of depression that sent me spiraling down into a place where all I could do was go lay in bed and cry, but that was the last time I felt down. I cannot say for certain why I felt so depressed or why I got to the place of praying to God to just end my suffering, but I think a good deal of it had to do with the fact that I hadn’t spoken to my mother since the night I came out to her. I believe a good part of my depression around the subject dissipated when I spoke to her the next morning (Saturday) after she called me to sing me happy birthday. The conversation was pretty minimal and there was no further discussion about me being trans or wanting to be a female, but I was okay with that. I want my mother to have time to process things and I want her to continue to be in my life by seeing that, while I do wish to make a great many changes, I will still ultimately be the same child I’ve always been.
While I didn’t get too many presents for my birthday, I did get a good amount of cash which I used some of to buy some more makeup!! Yay Makeup!! My wife even helped me pick some of it out, which was great. It makes me really happy when she comes with me and helps me explore this part of myself. I bought some liquid foundation, which I believe is an essential component to adequately covering up 5 o’clock shadow. I also bought some near nude lip stick, some new eye shadow, and a couple more colors of nail polish (now my toes are teal instead of purple!!)
My hair is continuing to grow, which is funny that I’m noticing how fast it is growing, now that I’m actually paying attention. I’ve been giving my hair a great deal more attention lately, in fact, as I’ve tried to find better ways of taking care of it and styling it. It’s still pretty short and clearly in the “male” range of length, but every millimeter it grows brings me all the closer to finally being able to start presenting as  female. I haven’t started HRT yet, but I plan to ask my therapist during our next session about getting a letter of recommendation so I can find a doctor and get an Rx. I’m thinking that I’ll start HRT around the new year (assuming she writes me the letter). There are a few reasons that I’m wanting to delay it a bit:
  1. I want my hair to keep growing, and by time January rolls around I will have had about 4 months’ worth of growth. I want this because I’ve seen quite a few MtF transition videos and the ones who had longer hair to begin with, always ended up looking better by time they started presenting as female. In one video that I watched, the person cut their hair short after a month or two of HRT and it took a long time for them to recover (they had to wear a lot of wigs, which I don’t want to have to do).
  2. Financially speaking, we are currently trying to pay off our debt at an accelerated rate, which means the extra cost of the Rx’s would be harder to swing now. Also, I’m hopeful that I’ll get a raise and/or bonus at Christmas time that I can use towards my transition.
  3. It just seems like good timing with regards New Year’s resolutions, one that I can actually keep. I want my 2015 year to be the year I was brave enough to overcome fear and begin living a life more true to my heart.
 
Okay, well, that’s all I really have for today’s entry.
 
-Emma

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