Monday, November 24, 2014

11-24-2014 Entry: Thoughts About Mom Coming to Visit

Okay, so today is sort of a big deal for me. As of 6:45pm tonight, my mother will be in Minnesota and will be seeing me for the first time since I came out to her over the phone. Under partial direction from my therapist I elected to come out to my mother before she came to visit me (as opposed to coming out to her in person once she arrived) so that she could have some time to digest what I told her. We have spoken twice since that painful and difficult conversation, but things haven’t been quite the same. I think for the most part my mother is probably in denial about all of it because she has yet to mention it at all to me. Because I want for her to acknowledge my decision to transition and not live in denial (out of sight out of mind, right?) I have elected to leave my toenail polish on. Perhaps this seems silly or trivial to some but I believe it sends a subtle and non-aggressive message that things are going to be different. I can guarantee that she will notice the nail polish and I can also guarantee that she will likely say something about it. While this terrifies me to no end (I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it right now) I know it’s something I have to do because it will spurn conversation that needs to be had.
My mother’s unwillingness to discuss my decision to transition up to this point has been somewhat concerning for me. It feels like there’s an elephant in the room every time we speak and that is a completely new experience for me. We have always been rather close and pretty open with one another, never really fighting or having many disagreements. By leaving the toenail polish on I’m hoping it will prompt her to broach the subject so that I don’t have to. Additionally I hope that it excites whatever her thoughts are about the situation enough that when I ask if she’d like to accompany me to my therapy session tomorrow morning, she will agree to come.
Overall, I have to say that I’m quite worried about how the next 8 days are going to go. Never before has she come to visit me under such circumstances and I fear that things may get a bit ugly between us. I have no intention to start a confrontation with her about my decision to come out as trans, but I’m not going to back down either. I suspect she will either try to convince me that I’m making a mistake or won’t take me seriously, and both of those possibilities are rather frightening, especially considering the fact that we will be stuck in close proximity with one another for 8 long days. If things get off to a bad start how will we come back from that? How will I stand tall and be strong if the woman I’ve known, loved, and depended on for my entire life decides she cannot accept me as her daughter instead of her son? What if she tries to convince me that I’m wrong or making a mistake? Can I really handle that?
I wish I had the answers but only time will provide those for me. I don’t really have anything else to add right now because I’m feeling rather overwhelmed at the moment. I pray that I have the strength and resolve to survive what the next few days holds for me. Maybe it will go really well, right? One can only hope.
 
-Emma

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