Two days from now will be Transgender Day of Remembrance, which I am sad to say that before this year, I knew nothing about. I just finished scrolling through the memorial page on http://tdor.info/about-2/ and I have to say my heart sinks for all of those transgender people who were killed because of who they were. I cannot lie that part of me is afraid to transition for this very reason. Why there would be people in this world who would purposely murder someone who didn’t fit the social norm of gender is beyond me and makes me sick to my stomach. I expect that before my life is over I may encounter someone like that, someone so filled with hatred and bigotry that they wish to do me harm because of my willingness to live as Emma. I have even considered obtaining a conceal and carry permit for when I finally start presenting as Emma 100% of the time, just to make sure that I have the capacity to defend myself should I be put into a situation like so many of the others who’ve been killed.
Yet, I find myself wanting to be open about who I am even more now. Fear tells me that I’m putting myself at risk or danger by being so openly transgender, but there is an anger inside of me that says I have to do it. I have to stand up and be Emma for the sake of all those who’ve died and all those who are too afraid to come out.
Our world needs to evolve faster, and the only way that is going to happen is if more of us are visible and more of us are willing to pull back the curtain for others to see what it’s really like. This requires a level of vulnerability that most are afraid of, and I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t among them, but I and refusing to let my fear get the best of me. I want the world, or at least as many people as I can touch, to understand what it’s like on this side of the fence. I want them to see the pain and worry and sorrow that can come with this gift. I call it a gift because that is what it is. I have been blessed with a gift that allows me to move beyond gender, to explore new levels of consciousness and identity that most cisgender people never get to.
I started writing this blog because I felt a need for therapeutic release of my emotions, thoughts, and worries, but now I’m beginning to think that this blog could be more than that. This blog could be a place where week after week, day after day I get to pull back the curtain to show the world what’s it’s like inside the heart and mind of a transgender person. To show them that we are all still humans, with fears, worries, hopes and dreams. I can show them that we aren’t freaks of nature that deserve to be berated, abused, and killed for who we are, but that we are a new stepping stone in the evolution of the human species and consciousness. Being transgender doesn’t have to be a malady, or a shame, or a crime against nature; It should be heralded as a gift, a blessing, an expansion of human evolution. We are moving beyond binary as a species and that can only mean greater exploration of unforeseen potentials. What could we do as a species if we weren’t so tied to this idea that a penis means you are a boy and that you have to do boy things? What could we accomplish if a vagina didn’t mean you were a girl and had to do girl things? Why not push the limits of gender and explore the potentials that live there?
I vow to stand up and be proud to be a transwoman. I vow to be strong for those who are weak and to stand in the light of day for those who are still in hiding. I vow to try to pave the way for others to be themselves so that they may find the joy and freedom that I have.
I am Emma, transwoman extraordinaire, and I’ll do my damnedest to make this world a better place for people like me.