Tuesday, October 7, 2014

10-7-2014 Journal Entry: AM Regrets

I’ve decided that I’m going to try to post here as frequently as I can in order to better process what I am going through and to give a better picture of what an awakening to one’s transgender nature can be like for anyone else who might be experiencing the same.

It has been 9 days since I fully realized and accepted that I am a woman on the inside and these last 9 days have been rather interesting. I say interesting but what I probably mean is difficult or trying. At times I feel elated at my newfound freedom, especially as I bring more and more of my close friends in on this secret I’ve been holding for so long, but at other times I feel down or confused. I also feel regret, regret that I didn’t say anything sooner. I have to wonder how much grief and depression I could have avoided if I’d only just told my parents when I was younger. I know these regrets are silly, since I’m not entirely sure I even REALLY knew I was transgender until just a few days ago. Sure I always felt like a girl and often times found myself very uncomfortable and unhappy in my role as a male, but as I mentioned in the previous post I had built such wonderful denial mechanisms that it never really occurred to me that something was truly out of place. I suppose you could say that I just accepted at face value that I was a boy, because what other way could I be?

This brings me to a memory that’s been haunting me a bit over the last few days. A few years ago I think I came very close to the realization that I was transgender but my fear overpowered me into shutting this away again. It was around Halloween, circa 2011, and I was planning on going to a Halloween party dressed as a woman. I bought a witch’s wig (black with purple and green streaks in it) and some women’s clothing that I could fit into (my wife helped me pick out a black sequin skirt and a pink/purple top). She helped me pick out some skin tone appropriate makeup and even assisted as I put it on. Before long I was a full blown woman (I even shaved quite a bit of body hair so no one would be able to tell). The party was good and I was elated as person after person mistook me for a woman. Usually they eventually figured out I was a male (most likely my voice gave it away), but for those brief moments when I was “passing” as a woman, I felt a deep sense of happiness. The party ended and we went home, but I was left with a feeling I didn’t quite understand at the time.

I wanted to dress up more and when I found myself alone at home, I even would, but as looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t help but notice how unattractive I felt as a woman. This literally broke my heart in half because I wanted nothing more than to be a pretty girl. That’s how I felt on the inside, but the outside didn’t seem to agree. So, with an amount of sadness and reluctance that I cannot express into words, I decided that I could never pass as an attractive female and put my clothes, wig, and desire to be a woman away.

It is hard for me to relate this story because I did more than put that inner woman away. I locked her up and hid her deep inside my mind, in a place I thought she would never escape from. Instead of embracing her for what she was and taking the steps to allow her to come out to see the world and express who she was, I just shut the door on her and hoped she would go away. I rationalized away my desires to wear women’s clothing and to put on makeup as just a weird passing phase. I convinced myself, yet again, that it wasn’t “normal” for a guy to want to be a girl and pretended it never happened.

This is just one of many moments in my past where I think I came close to understanding why I felt so different from everyone around me, but alas, I never did. I know it isn’t good to dwell too heavily on the past, because in the end, the past is in the past and nothing can be done about it. The only thing we can do with the past is learn from it, so that’s what I’m trying to do. This time I won’t lock away the feelings I have and I won’t shut this woman inside of my head away in a dark corner. I won’t pretend she isn’t there or that we aren’t one and the same. We are the same, I am her and I always have been, and embracing her is like putting two halves of a broken heart back together again. I love her, and as afraid as it makes me to be her, I know I can’t keep running away from who I am or how I feel.

I think that is enough for today. I hope you found my words to be something worth reading and considering. I will write more when I can.

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