Tuesday, October 7, 2014

10-7-2014 afternoon entry: 1 million questions


I’m not sure I really intended to post more than one in the same day but in order to continue to process this journey I feel the need to write some more. It has been several hours since the last post and while most of my day has been dedicated to work, I haven’t been able to keep my mind from wandering to other things. Right now I’m feeling a bit down about things, probably more out of a hint of jealousy than anything else.

You see, I’ve recently come across another transwoman who is much further along on her journey to realizing her true gender (outwardly that is). She runs a youtube channel and a tumblr blog and updates rather frequently. Her earliest videos begin while she is only just barely beginning her transition all the way to the most recent updates about how she is recovering from her very recent bottom surgery.

Overall, my thoughts are very happy for her and when I see her pictures (and can see just how pretty she’s become compared to where she began) I feel inspired about the potentials of HRT. I can’t lie that her youtube video documenting (in pictures) the gradual changes that occurred over 91 weeks of HRT was in no small part the reason I decided that my previously held reservations about how attractive I could be as a woman were silly and shouldn’t stop me from pursuing the very deep desire to make the transition. With that being said, as I look at her most recent picture and gaze upon her very feminine beauty, I can’t help but feel sad about myself and my own lack of femininity. I look in the mirror and see a man’s face lined with facial hair staring back at me and can’t help but wish I could just pull a I dream of Jeannie moment and fold my arms, bow my head and magically transform into a beautiful woman like her.

Additionally, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever have as much luck as her given the fact that she began her hormones around the age of 19 and I’m already 10 years further along this male path than she was. I know that a lot of money and procedures are ahead of me if I decide to make the same transition that she did, and thinking about all the things I would have to do (laser hair removal, voice augmentation procedures, etc.) makes me feel uncertain about my future.

I wish that I could confide more in my wife about these things, but this has already been hard on her as it is and because of the sensitive nature of the subject, I’m trying hard not to overwhelm her with what will ultimately be an enormous change for her as well. I have signed up with therapist who I can talk to, but I don’t get to meet her until next Wednesday and I already have more thoughts/emotions than I know what to do with.

To give a picture of the kinds of thoughts that I’m having I’ll just list out all the questions buzzing through my mind so that anyone out there feeling something similar will know that they are not alone (sorry for the random order):

How am I going to tell my job that I want to become a woman? What will my coworkers think about me? How will they treat me? Will they accept me or will I be the joke of the office? I know that they can’t legally fire me for being transgender, but what if they do anyway? What kind of hairstyle will I be able to have? What if my hair grows out and I look really stupid instead of like a girl? How am I ever going to find women’s shoes that are going to fit my enormous man-feet? I know that it will be easier to pass as a female if I continue to lose weight, but how long should I wait to seriously consider going on HRT? Is my wife going to decide she can’t handle being with a woman and leave me even though she says she won’t? If she doesn’t, how will our relationship work once I’ve made the transition? What happens if I actually decide that I want to have GRS/SRS? How will our sex life change, or will it just end? What is my mother going to say? Will she understand? What about my father? What about my in-laws? What will I do if any of them disown me or stop talking to me? What if my in-laws take out their outrage on my wife too? Can I really ask her to go through that with me? What if at the end of it all, I’m not an attractive woman at all and just look like an effeminate dude? Will I regret my decision? Will I be able to afford everything that I need in order to transition? Should I start shaving my legs already? Will I have a “bulge” when I wear a skirt?

 

Lol, okay, sorry that last question made me giggle a little. Well, I’m feeling better than when I first started this post so I guess there is something to say for that. For any out there who might read this and feel similarly, please know you aren’t alone in what you are going through. We are all just humans, and we all worry more than we should.

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