Wednesday, October 29, 2014

10-29-2014 Entry: To Be or Not To Be?

Lately I’ve been finding myself wondering if this is something I really want to do (transitioning). I’m not sure if the appeal of how “easy” it would be to just stay Robert is getting to me or if I’m legitimately second guessing myself. I definitely think that just deciding to be Robert the man would be so much simpler and would certainly make most of the other people in my life happy, but would it make me happy? Could I ever be happy as a male? I know inside that I’m a female, I’ve known that for as long as I can remember, but do I really need to become one physically to be happy? I guess I’m just wondering if it’s worth all the trouble it’s bound to create for me. Perhaps the fear is creeping in through a back door and undermining my resolve.
Yesterday the desire to get out of bed and face the world was so absent that I decided to call in sick to work. I wasn’t sick, not with anything that I should have taken the day off for, yet I felt the need to be home and alone instead of out in public. I really just wanted to sleep all day, not because I was physically tired, but because I’ve been feeling emotionally wiped out. Maybe I am moving too quickly, as my wife suggested, with all of this.  A person can’t exactly reinvent themselves overnight, not without putting large amounts of stress on the system as a whole. Sigh. I think my confusion is getting worse as the days go by. Who am I? Am I Robert or am I Emma? My logical brain tells me that I’m both of them, but how can that be? Doesn’t one of them have to win out in the end? How can I be one of them without intrinsically denying the other? Robert doesn’t want to wear nail polish and makeup because he’s afraid of the consequences of those actions. Emma demands to be let out, to see the world and experience it regardless of what others think.
I’m starting to feel a bit like I have multiple personalities. I have one who wishes everything would just stay the same, and I have one that wants everything to be different. How can two energies with such differing desires exist in me at the same time? I feel like the tarot card displaying a two-horse chariot where each horse is trying to run in opposite directions while their driver stands in the middle uncertain of what to do or how to remedy the opposing forces.
I want to be a girl physically, but I also want to feel sure of myself and my place in society, in my job, and in my marriage. It seems like those two desires mutually exclude one another. I need to find a way to make the best of both desires, to find a happy medium; to find the balance between the yin and yang. I know I can have both things, I just need to find a way of looking at all of this that facilitates that, and that’s where I’m stuck.
My practice in Buddhism tells me that neither the Robert or Emma ego are real because both are conditioned results of a conditioned mind, but if neither one is real then does that mean my desire to transition is misplaced? If I’m seeking to live an enlightened life where my happiness comes from within, not without, then shouldn’t I just accept my sex and not make efforts to create happiness through external/conditional means (transtioning)?
I just want to be happy and free. More than anything else, I want to be happy and free to express myself as I see fit. Will transitioning to Emma give me either of those things? I want to say yes, but the fear compels me to second guess that answer.
Hopefully my therapist can help me work through some of these things so I don’t feel so drained, worried, and depressed.
-Emma

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