Friday, October 24, 2014

10-24-2014 Entry: Coming Out to My Mother

Well the depression has kicked in full tilt this morning. Last night, after getting home from work, I made the decision to come out to my mother. As I expected, the news was both shocking and unwelcome to her. I knew going into it that she was going to have a hard time digesting the information but when she reacted just as I expected her to, it really made me rather sad. I don’t know what I would have wanted from her given that so much of the shame I’ve felt about my transgender nature was a result of her parenting. I don’t want to blame her or be mad at her because I don’t see how that will be productive towards my future, but I can’t help but feel hurt and alone by her reaction. It makes me feel sick and ashamed to be what I am when I think about how she reacted and how shocked and confused she was. I just want this to be easy, I just want to be accepted for what I am, is that so much to ask?
I’ve been priding myself lately on how I haven’t felt sad and haven’t thought about suicide at all, and now I can’t help but think about it. it would be so much easier to just give up completely than to face the mess I have ahead of me. I want to be strong and say that it doesn’t bother me what anyone else thinks, but that’s a lie, obviously. I do care what they think, especially my mother. I just don’t know what to do.
What makes all of it a million times worse is that a little after I talked to my mom my wife told me that she felt like I was moving too fast by telling my friends on facebook and by telling my mom. That was like a dagger in the heart when she said that. The only thing that was keeping me from completely losing my composure after telling my mother was the support and love my wife was giving me, and then without warning she just took it all away, leaving me feeling so alone and afraid and ashamed. I hate everyone and everything, especially myself. If only I could just make this all go away, if only I could just be a boy and be happy as that.
I want to be proud, and I want to be strong, and I want to be able to stand up to everyone and say that I’m Emma and not feel like a freak, but right now I just don’t know how to do that. All I can do right now is cry and pray to god to take all this pain away. Maybe this time he will actually answer.

(several minutes of crying later:)

No, you know what, fuck that. Fuck praying to God to take it all away. I refuse to quit, I refuse to let my mother or my wife tell me what I can or can’t be. I refuse to feel ashamed of what and who I am. They can all go to hell if they don’t like it. I am Emma and I like to wear nail polish, and makeup. I like to dress like and look like a girl. I want to be a woman and I am going to be one no matter what anyone else thinks of me. I’d rather be alone and proud than surrounded by “loved ones” feeling ashamed of myself. Fuck that, and fuck them if they don’t like it. I don’t need any of them, not really. No point in squandering an honest life for the sake of others, not when we all die alone anyways. There is only one person I can rely on 100% and that’s myself. Everyone else is either coming along with me, or getting left behind. I don’t care if that’s selfish, it’s about damn time I started caring about myself and my happiness anyways.
I am Emma, the don’t give a fuck if you like me or not transwoman extraordinaire.

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