Thursday, October 23, 2014

10-23-2014 Entry: Making Positive Headway at Home


Setting my frustrations with work aside for the moment (God I cannot wait until the paralegal on her two week vacation gets back on Monday, I’m really sick of dealing with all the bullshit work she usually handles), I am pleased to report that things are finally going pretty well with my wife and I. Yesterday I met with my therapist for the second time and had a really good session where we actually talked at length about my wife and I’s relationship and she asked me some very poignant questions about her comfort level. I say they are poignant because they really drove the issues to a place that gave me the courage to confront my wife about them. Specifically the question was raised as to whether or not my wife would be okay living as a lesbian, a question which I posed to my wife later that day. While I didn’t get a very direct answer out of her regarding that specific question it opened up some dialogue that needed to happen such as:

What happens if we buy a house together and she decides that she can’t handle me being a woman?

Will she still be attracted to me when I have long hair, wear makeup, and talk in a feminine voice?

How comfortable or uncomfortable would she be with me having GRS/SRS?

 

While her answers to these questions are hard to summarize here, the overall feeling of the conversation was a positive and loving one (compared to the almost hostile tone we had before) where she told me that a great deal of her anxiety was a result of my anxiety about things. Because I’ve been… almost warning her about how different things will be in order to see how she feels about it (and to make sure she is okay with it), I’ve created anxiety in her, not because things will be changing but because I was projecting some sort of need to be worried about those changes. She said that were I to just make the changes as I saw fit she would make adjustments and be more okay with everything, ultimately feeling less apprehensive. Sort of how small changes in everyday things eventually just become the new “normal” in a person’s life.

While I see some dangers of denial in this approach, I’m going to try to adopt it for the time being for both of our sakes. Instead of worrying about how she will react to a proposed change, I’ll just make the adjustment on my own and let the dust settle on its own. Maybe eventually the changes will become too much and we will be back to square one, but for the time being it seems like we’ve made some headway in the right direction.

The only part that was disappointing was the topic of SRS/GRS, which was somewhat expected. She asked me if that was something I was considering and admitted (again) that she would likely feel uncomfortable with me having “new bits” down there. I’m honestly hoping that GRS/SRS is something she can eventually wrap her head around because it is something I foresee wanting to have. I’m hoping that as I move into and through HRT, and become a physical woman in all the other regards, she will warm up to the idea. As it stands now, GRS/SRS is something we cannot reasonably expect to afford for many years, so I think there is plenty of time to allow her to adjust to the idea. I did express to her that it is something I want to consider, so she at least knows that I will likely want it eventually and can begin whatever process is required for her to be okay with that change. For now, I’m just going to let sleeping dogs lie.

Moving onto the subject of coming out to my mother, I’ve been considering waiting to tell her. It makes me a little sad to think about delaying that conversation further, though (we really should have had it when I was 14 and knew there was something wrong with the way puberty was going). Perhaps that means I really feel I should tell her sooner rather than later. I just don’t know what to do in that regard. I feel like once she knows, my burden to keep this secret will be greatly alleviated and that is very appealing to me. I’ve been carrying this around for so long I just want to shout it from the rooftops so everyone finally knows. I don’t want to keep it inside anymore. I am ready to become this, I’m ready for the transformation and to stop hiding who and what I am. Maybe I will tell her sooner rather than later after all. Maybe I’ll call her this weekend and tell her. Going to have to think about that one.

-Emma

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