Monday, October 20, 2014

10-20-2014 Entry: Living the Duality


And so I’m back to the world of being Robert the man. No more eyeliner, no eye shadow, no foundation, no nail polish, and no Emma.  I mean, sure, I’m still Emma but no one except for one friend at work knows that or calls me that. Everyone else still just sees Robert, the questionably effeminate paralegal and the only “male” paralegal at that. They use my name without a single thought. They refer to me as “he” and “him” without a single thought. I can’t blame them for their mistake, I mean how could they not make it when I was the one who introduced myself to them as Robert. Still, I find myself struggling with the duality of my current life and find it increasingly grating to hear them call me by my boy name or to refer to me as he/him. I just want to tell them. I just want to march into the HR woman’s office and tell her what’s going on, but I don’t feel like I can do that yet. Perhaps I’m silly to want some sort of external validation from my new therapist that this is actually what’s going on with me, but I’m honestly afraid to tell my work the truth until I can have a mental health professional there to back me up.

 Additionally, I want to discuss this topic with said therapist so I can better flesh out the idea and/or plan for doing it, especially given the religiously conservative world view of the HR woman at my work. I don’t think it is unreasonable for me to be concerned about how this person has openly discussed, on multiple occasions, the subject of God, prayer, the bible, and the “enemy” (satan) in my presence. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to be concerned that all 4 of the named partners at my firm are men over the age of 50, none of whom probably have much understanding or openness for the GLBTQ movement. Will they understand me? Will they let me be Emma the paralegal instead of Robert the paralegal? Sure, there is a law that says they can’t discriminate against me, but what’s to stop them from finding some other reason to can me? I suppose I have some safety just by virtue of the fact that these concerns are recorded here, on this blog, prior to me coming out to them. I’m not sure if they would be admissible in a court case, but maybe they might be. I hope it never comes to that.

Anyway, despite feeling uncomfortable with the duality of Robert/Emma, I am having a relatively good day. I got free breakfast this morning and every so often I catch a whiff of my perfume, which makes me smile. I’m becoming more brave about using my more feminized voice (I practiced it over the weekend; I still have a long way to go but it’s getting progressively easier/higher every day) and I feel less worried about beginning my transition. I know it’s what I want to do and I know it will go well because I’m in a state of peace and gentle allowance. I create my own experience and my experience is going to be filled with joy and love. =)

-Emma

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