Thursday, October 16, 2014

10-16-2014 Entry: Struggling to Keep it Together


Today has been pretty bad, which is tragic considering how good yesterday was. Yesterday I met the therapist I’ve signed up to see for the first time and it was a really good experience. She seemed like someone I’d feel quite comfortable talking with and even seems to share many of the understandings about how the mind works that I have. It felt good to talk to someone who would be able to help me deal with all the many emotions and thoughts I’ve been having lately.

This morning, however, was a completely different story. For reasons that seem indiscernible to me, my wife decided to start our morning off with an argument over something that seems so trivial and stupid to me. I’m inclined to believe it was just the tip of some unknown iceberg because I honestly can’t believe we are so at odds with one another that a phone charger/battery could really cause the two of us to descend into complete disarray. I’m beginning to wonder if this isn’t the beginning of the end for us. it’s never been as bad as it has been lately and I’m starting to wonder if my life wouldn’t be easier without her in the picture.

I say that but the truth is my life would become so much more complicated without her. I wouldn’t even begin to know where I’d stay because I’m certain she wouldn’t be willing to move out of our apartment (even though she has close family just a few minutes away). I wouldn’t want to move back to Colorado either, not when I have such a good thing going at my job and with my new friends. I feel stuck. I just want to be happy and it’s so much easier to be happy when I’m alone or with friends/coworkers than it is when I’m around her. She’s so angry all the time that it’s almost impossible to be around her without getting sucked into her terrible attitude. I just want us to get along and be happy together, but more and more it seems like that can’t be.

Sigh, I don’t know what to do.

-Emma

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