Well it’s another day and with it comes a whole new set of interesting experiences and emotions. I’m finding myself having a hard time reconciling my strong desire to immediately begin the transition process and my need to keep things kind of slow for the sake of my marriage. I don’t feel like my wife is holding me back, but I do feel a bit like I’m holding myself back on her account… if that makes any sense. I’m starting to wish that I was just alone so that I could explore this part of myself without any concern about what she will think or feel about it, but I don’t really want to end my marriage. I am, however, having a hard time seeing how this is going to go or even really envisioning us staying together through all of this. I can’t foresee her really being okay with me being a full blown woman, not when I know she is attracted to men, so it’s hard for me to envision her being attracted to me as a woman. I want to believe that she can do it but part of me almost hopes that she can’t so that I can be free to be myself without needing to hold back for her.
I honestly don’t want to have these feelings or thoughts. I don’t want this to be complicated and difficult, I want to just be me and not have to worry about anything. Isn’t that what we all want? To just be ourselves without anyone being there to tell us we are wrong or not okay? It’s not like I’m killing anyone or breaking a law, I just want to eat, sleep, breath, and be the woman I’ve always been. I’ve been holding this back for so long on the account of others and what they expected of me/wanted from me, that I almost can’t stomach doing it anymore, not even for my wife.
I don’t want to torment her by being completely insensitive to her feelings, but does it even matter what I do or try to do to spare her when I’m certain she’s going to have a problem no matter what? I just want to be Emma. I want to walk like Emma, talk like Emma, and look like Emma. I want to start the transition like tomorrow and begin the long process of making the change. I want to explore this new identity and find out what she’s like. Sure, I’ll still be me for the most part, but so much of what “me” has consisted of over the last decade was a lie or a façade that I don’t want to continue anymore.
I just don’t know what to do or how to feel right now other than vent on here and feel deep frustration.
Switching subjects a bit, one of my coworkers noticed and remarked on the changes I’ve made to my hairstyle, which really threw me for a loop. I’ve been deliberately styling my hair in a more feminine way (as feminine as one can get while having a man’s haircut) in order to get used to having longer hair (I still have a long way to go), so when she asked me about it I didn’t really know how to react. The only person I’ve come out to at work was next to me and noticed my stammering/confused response to the question and interjected that she thought it was because I was growing my hair out (which is true). I’m both flattered and also concerned that this coworker noticed the change. I’m flattered because she complimented how good it looked on me, but I’m concerned because if people are ALREADY noticing that I’m making changes, it’s going to be a lot harder for me to keep myself “closeted” in the future. I’m worried that people are going to start gossiping sooner than expected about me and my efforts to grow my hair out or to raise my natural voice range. Perhaps it will be a good thing in the long run, but for now it’s a bit worrisome.
Well I suppose I’d better cut this lunch break off and return to my job. Until later.